Katie Makkai - Pretty

"“You will be pretty intelligent, pretty creative, pretty amazing. But you, will never be merely 'pretty'.” "

Powerful, honest and true.

List 22: Things I'm Grateful For This Week [Thanksgiving Special]

So I know I kind of stopped this list for a while when things got crazy but it's Thanksgiving today (my first one!) and I thought there was no better time that to do this:

1. My family, especially because we're scattered around the world. There are members in Singapore, Australia, London, America; we've been to Hong Kong, Scotland, India... I miss my family!


2. My friends, old and new.


3. Health


4. Wealth


5. Safety


6. Comfort


7. The chance to study in America for a year


8. And I'm thankful for being alive

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving spent with family. If you didn't get to spend it with your family, I hope you spent it with friends and good company. If you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, I hope you still had a wonderful day anyway. Be thankful everyday and any day.

Let me know what you're thankful for!

Crazy and Not Crazy

Today in our To Write Love On Her Arms IC meeting we shared a couple of stories and experiences. One of the stories that was shared was how one of the members of our group got called crazy in her freshman year by her roommate because she was dealing with issues like anxiety, depression and self-abuse. Her roommate didn't understand and just couldn't grasp (or maybe didn't want to) what it meant to hurt and suffer that way and so just lumped it down to her being "crazy". The gasp and shocked expressions that took over all of our faces when we heard that was incredible. I don't think there was a single one of us who hadn't heard that story before who felt shocked, enraged and maybe even a little pitiful for the person who had said that.

Just because you deal with issues like that doesn't make you crazy. It means you're normal (whatever that means!). You're human, you feel, you think. We all go through different lengths and depths of "craziness" but that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

We were discussing deconstruction last week in my one of my English classes and one of the things that we talked about was how Derrida argues that we tend to think and express our thoughts in terms of opposites. For example, something is tall and so not short, masculine and therefore not feminine, conscious and therefore not unconscious, and so on.

In that sense then, what is "crazy"? After some super pro Googling, I found on good ol' thesaurus.com that some antonyms for "crazy" are "realistic", "sane" and "sensible". Someone answered this same question on answers.com, saying that: "A word meaning the opposite of crazy is sane. Some people might equate "sane" with being mellow, indifferent, or not easily rattled" (the bold is an addition). And, this is my favourite, the "best answer" to the opposite word of crazy on Yahoo! Answers is "boring and closed minded". (I know that answers.com and Yahoo! Answers aren't exactly credible sources but I put them in for lols. Everyone needs some lolness in their life)

Do these "opposite" meanings of "crazy" not seem... dull to you? Yes, being realistic is good, it keeps you grounded. But having dreams are even better. They give you something to reach towards and something to focus on.

If, according the above person's definition, "sane" can equate to "indifferent", well then I definitely don't want to be sane. Being indifferent and not caring about anything is such a waste of a life. We were put on this planet for a reason. If we were put on this planet and given this life to be indifferent, why were we put here at all? What would you wake up in the morning for?

And of course, no one wants to be boring and closed minded. That's not fun for anyone.

So if those are the opposites of being crazy, why is it such a bad thing to be crazy? Being crazy sounds a lot more fun than being not crazy, but maybe that's just me. And I guess that makes me crazy.

As the Cheshire Cat says to Alice, "We're all mad here."

But if being crazy scares you, don't worry. You're gonna get better soon. Not not-crazy but something that transcends the awesomeness of being crazy. You're going to be incredible :).


Matchbox Twenty - by Warner-Music

Fears vs Dreams: Thoughts from Applefest

The weekend just gone was Ithaca's annual Applefest, which is the town's apple harvest festival. The Ithaca College To Write Love On Her Arms UChapter (University Chapter) had a table there and I was helping out. Despite the freezing cold and dismal rain, it was one of the happiest days I'd had in a very long time.

So for those who have never heard of To Write Love On Her Arms, TWLOHA is a non-profit movement devoted to reaching out and helping people suffering from depression, addiction and self-injury, and investing directly into treatment and recovery. We believe in conversation and community. We believe - no, we know that you're not alone in your hurt and fear. We believe that your best and brightest days are ahead. We believe that you are loved more than you can ever comprehend, even if it's sometimes hard to believe.

I started the day not knowing any of the people I was going to be spending the day with but I didn't care. The whole weekend was scheduled to be freezing, windy and rainy but I didn't care. I had an 8-10 page assignment due on Monday and three plays to read but I didn't care. I was involved with TWLOHA and I was spreading the word. That's all that mattered.

We had a bunch of stuff available at our TWLOHA table; we were doing henna 'love' tattoos in different languages, selling TWLOHA merch, we had contact information for local and national hotlines, selling silver ribbons but what I was most excited about was the Fears vs Dreams project that we decided to take part in.

The Fears vs Dreams project started as a road trip where TWLOHA founder Jamie Tworkowski and photographer Jeremy Cowart travelled around collecting people's fears and dreams. They would get people to write down a fear and a dream and take a photo of it. You might think it sounds silly and pointless - "I'm not afraid of anything." - but it's not. Sometimes it's easier to admit these things in forms that aren't verbal, I know it's like that for me, and some times you need to admit these things, to voice them. What you might find is that you're not alone in your fears and insecurities or your dreams and ambitions.

I sure thought I was in mine. I spent about half an hour trying to work up the courage to write down one of my fears and dreams and when I finally managed to pen "Fear: To be alone and unloved. Dream: To be genuinely happy with who I am", the girl next to me read it and went, "that's my fear and dream too". I thought I was the only one who had those insecurities. It's so easy to look at someone surrounded by people and think that they don't have to worry about having no one. But that's not what it means to not be alone. You can be in a room filled with people you've known your whole life and still feel alone.

What I discovered at Applefest was that so many of us share the same fears and dreams. We fear living a life alone and unfulfilled and dream of making an impact and living a life filled with love and happiness. But yet, we don't talk about it.

People are scared to admit their fears, and even their dreams. They're afraid others will laugh at them, look down on them, think less of them. Well, they probably share the some of the fears and dreams you have and maybe they react that way because they're scared to admit it to themselves.

You don't have to be. To have fear is absolutely normal. It's so human, it's boring. But that's what makes it great. Maybe we don't all share the exact same fears but some of us do and it's a comfort to know that you're not alone. Fearing doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're alive. It means you feel. It means that when you get past what you're afraid of (and you will), you're going to be wiser and stronger than you were before.

And dreams. Dreams give us something to wake up for everyday. They give us hope and motivation in a life that's so short and uncertain. They give us a future.

Maybe your dreams are what your fear. That's totally okay. That's more than okay, it's good. Get past those fears and shoot for your goals. Take that uncertainty and turn it in to motivation. It might take some time and it might be slow but when you get there, it'll be all the more worth it.


Photo courtesy of Karalyn Marks.

If you'd like, share some of your fears and dreams with me.

Learn more about To Write Love On Her Arms here.

Learn more about Fears vs Dreams here.

See more photos from Applefest here and here.

Now.

Life is short.

Take lots of photos.
Sing at the top of your lungs.
Dance in the street.
Give everybody hugs.
Cry when you need to.
Laugh when you don't.
Go on roadtrips.
Travel.
Watch the sun set.
Watch the sun rise.
Take chances.

Love yourself.

List 21: Things I'm Grateful For This Week

1. Family. Ohana.


2. Slacking around?

That's pretty much all I've been doing. Spending time with family and doing nothing. What are you grateful for this week?

List 20: Things I'm Grateful For This Week

1. Friends that matter (special shoutout goes to Michelle, Jack and Jasmine for coming to the airport).


2. Family (HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEANNE AND UNCLE ONG!)


3. My dance family.


4. Transformers: robots in disguise. Transformers 3 was pretty good. Lots of explosions and guns and running and screaming. Oh yeah.


5. MY EPIC FOUR LAYER CAKE!


6. People who are nice enough to offer their help even if I've never met them before.


7. Arriving safely in Singapore.


8. Skyping with the bestie :).

It's boiling in Singapore (to me at least) and I just want my winter back!! But I'm chilling with family before I leave on my little adventure so it's okay. What are you grateful for this week?

List 19: Things I'm Grateful For This Week

1. Family.
2. Meals and coffee with friends.
3. Maccas breakfast... yummm...
4. Spending time with the adorable Sophie.
5. Lazing around on Saturday mornings with family, having (an awesome) breakfast, watching ABC4Kids (while the actual kid was sleeping) and getting massages. Brilliant.
6. TV show marathons.

Packing and TV show marathons have taken over my life this week. I started and finished the first season of Buffy and boy, is Angel fiiiiiiiiine! I'll be going to the same college David Boreanaz went to which I'm squealing about on the inside. I'm also currently rewatching Roswell. Oh boy, do I love that show. I hardly rewatch TV series (Doctor Who, Alias and now Roswell are the only ones I've seen more than once, I think) so if I'm rewatching them, you know I do love them.
What things are you grateful for this week?

Clearing and boxing up my room is good. Purging the crap in my room is like getting rid of the shit in my life. How symbolic.

Just leaving, on the other hand, is more blantant and blunt.

And I'm doing both.

List 18: Things I'm Grateful For This Week

1. Leaving.


2. Finalising flights away.


3. My heater.


4. Cold weather.


5. Tea.


6. Saying goodbye. Time to ditch this place and the people that I don't need in my life. The ones that matter are the ones that will stay and only time will tell.

Let's hope what you're grateful for this week is better than mine.

List 17: Things I'm Grateful For This Week... plus two extra days :)

1. Dinner with the best friend and school dad!


2. Organising my room... sort of...


3. Little things that make my laugh.


4. BOOKS!

It's a small list this week because I actually can't remember what I did slash I probably didn't do much productive stuff.
What are you grateful for?

List 16: Things I'm Grateful For This Week

1. Lots and lots of books and reading


2. Inspiration and writing


3. Lazing around the house


4. Online orders arriving! Meaning: Eclipse DVD (I cringe when I watch it but I still love it) and BEAR GRYLLS AUTOBIOGRAPHY (among other things)!!!! So excited :D.


5. Family friends we haven't seen in a while


6. The rain (yes, even though my house may have leaked, I still love the rain)

I just realised it's 26 days until I leave. O. M. F. G.
What are you grateful for this week?

Sepia

Image courtesy of Chris Button here

The overwhelming colour of orange attacked my irises as I walked along the bridge. Orange from the sinking ball of fire, tinting the sky a dirty shade of copper as it refracted off the dust in the air. The yellow-orange from the headlights of cars passing by bathed me in a spotlight of over-exposed sepia as they drove past, their car horns cutting through the music from my headphones at irregular intervals.

The air was warm and violent as the cars raced by, providing my locks with an excuse for its bad hair day. I inhaled, noting the mixture of salt, sea breeze, exhaust and heated steel, a smell I was familiar with. It reminded me of grandpa who used to work as a maintenance man for the bridge. He always used to smell of grease, exhaust from all the cars that went by and the salty harbour that the bridge crossed.

I’d come here often and watch as the sky turned from blue to pink to purple to black. But today the sky was gold. Like grandpa’s work and sun beaten hands and his favourite colour; a burnt ochre that reminded him of the red desert. I would come here often and forget about the cars speeding past, the light fading fast and just take in the smells. I’d come here often because it smelt like grandpa.

List 15: Things I'm Grateful For This Week

1. Friends and cake.


2. Being able to still buy clothing from the children's section. Yeah.


3. My dance family <3.


4. Hot tea to make things just a little bit better.


5. Live acoustic music in a room filled with candles, rugs and friends on a rainy night. Pure love.


6. Discovering and supporting beautiful local music.


7. Surviving the week despite my insane lack of sleep.


8. My dad - Happy Father's Day (in everywhere else but Australia)!

What are you grateful for?

Doing What You Love

Tonight was the Stu Larsen: Ryeford gig. It was organised by Hopeful Productions and I volunteer with them.

I got asked a couple of times tonight if I worked for Hopeful Productions to which I replied with no, I was just volunteering. Later on, I was talking to one half of one of the support acts (see Alex and Ross Conradie) and I, again, got asked if I worked for Hopeful Productions. I said no and mentioned how the things I do for free are the things I love doing and the things I get paid to do are the things I find meh.

Examples: Graphic design work for Skye and volunteering for Hopeful. Previously, all the design work I'd done for Skye had been free of charge and I had absolutely no problem with that (only this year did she pay me for the work I did for PLC, after she'd left WBC). I was totally fine with working on the designs instead of studying for my exams and only getting a boquet of flowers in return (if even). My sister asked me how I liked what I did for Hopeful and honestly, I love it. I really, really enjoy helping them and it doesn't matter that I do it for free. I could not care less about that.

I think part of the reason that I like doing what I mentioned above is because I'm helping them. I realised a long time ago that I just want to help people. I want to intern at To Write Love On Her Arms because I want to help people when they most need someone, I want to be able to give them the support and comfort that I never got. I want to go on mission trips and help those in need. I remember when the Haiti earthquakes happened, all I wanted to do was go over and help. They showed all those images of those poor children who had been abandoned (not just specifically with the Haiti earthquakes but anything - Hurricane Katrina, Japan and New Zealand earthquakes) and all I can think of is how those poor children shouldn't have to be in that position. They're children and they shouldn't have to go through that. I just wanted to help them and hug them. But I digress majorly. My brain isn't functioning properly right now.

Find me a job where I can help others and I will be happy with it. That's what I love doing - helping others. Whether it's just being there when someone needs somebody to listen or helping run an event or going over choreography with someone; I just want to give to the community. It's not even a "give back" to the community, it's just a give. I don't want to do something in return, I just want to do something. Change the world, make it better.

I'm so sorry if this post makes zilch sense (I'm reading it back and it makes hardly any sense to me), I've just been thinking about it since I said it and I had to get it off my chest. I have gotten little to no sleep in the last few days (try 2 and 4am on consecutive nights and it's also currently 2:30am), I guess I'm back to being a partial insomniac again.

Bottom line: I want to help people. I am happy when I help people. I want to make others happy by helping them. I feel useful and worthy when I help people. I feel like I'm making a difference, even if it's just a small one. I want to change the world and make it better place for others.

Please check out Hopeful Productions at http://hopefulproductions.tumblr.com/ and support them.

Thanks and goodnight.

List 14: Things I'm Grateful For This Week

1. The funds to buy what I want even though I don't have a job (how that is possible, I don't know).


2. UFC on free-to-air. You don't know how thankful I am for that, even though they show the fights not in order and The Ultimate Fighter is about a billion seasons behind.


3. Open Till Midnight quoting Robert Frost. My heart fell in love.


4. Doctor Who. OMFGWTFBBQ. That's all I can say.

To be perfectly honest, it's getting harder and harder to put blog posts up and keep this up each week. I'm just getting so lazy and uninspired. And now that uni's over I just want to sit around reading and stretching all day. Yeah, stretch... I miss being flexible.

That and because I'm getting ready to leave, all I can think about is my trip and the posts I'm going to do for my other blog. Okay, rant over. We'll see how this goes.

List 13: Things I'm Grateful For This Week

1. END OF SEMESTER AND NO MORE EXAMS!


2. Getting through the semester (and that horrid unit) in basically one piece.


3. New haircut! It was time for a change and I was due for a haircut anyway. My hair looks quite different to what it used to; people actually had trouble recognising me today (people being my godsister... yeah, my godsister whom I see every week). I love my hairdresser, Max. I'm still trying to get used to my new look; I still get a bit shocked when I look at my reflection :P. At least most people seem to like it... or do they...?


4. Finally getting time to read City of Fallen Angels by Cassandra Clare.


5. DOCTOR WHO. OMGWTFBBQ! I thought The Almost People episode was alright... until the very end! LE GASP! Shock horror! I spent pretty much the last 15 to 20 minutes of the episode crying and in shock with my mouth hanging open. I was actually having trouble breathing. I am a MASSIVE and proud Whovian, if you hadn't already guessed.


6. A FANTASTIC mark on my final monologue assessment. As mentioned in List 10, I was stressing and still trying to memorise my lines 10 minutes before I performed. Despite all that, I got an 8/10 HD mark. I was SO happy when I got Jeremy's email with my mark! I had been having a tough day so when I got that result, it made everything better. I read his email and comments (on my monologue and journal) so many times because I couldn't believe the mark or feedback he had given me.

Tomorrow's a public holiday here in Perth so I hope you have a good day (and week for that matter!), whether you have it off or not. Let me know what you're grateful for!

List 12: Things I'm Grateful For This Week

1. The end of semester (sort of).


2. Seeing Ben Folds (and Kate Miller-Heidke) live with the best friend :). Twas such a fantastic concert.


3. Pre-departure session for exchange. Meeting other people going on exchange to different places and going through some stuff for exchange calmed me down a little.


4. Getting my assignment done and handed in juuuuuuuuuuuuust in time (like, 10 minutes before it was due)!


5. Dinner, deserts and catch ups with friends.


6. Cute little kids that make me smile and laugh.

What are you grateful for this week? Hope it was great for you :).

List 11: Things That Are Important

1. Family.


2. Friends.


3. Love.


4. God.


5. Breathing.


6. Music.


7. Dance.


8. Books.


9. Words.


10. Sleep.


11. Faith and Trust.


12. Hope.


13. Finishing assignments on time :).

It has finally hit me...

So today on the way back from my pre-departure session, I cried for the first time about going on exchange. Talking to people and discussing going away and what we're expecting and excited/afraid of just made everything more real. And then I was listening to Ben Folds as I was driving back and Still Fighting It came on and everything was fine until the part that goes "one day you'll fly away from me" and boom, turn on the waterworks.

This is the first time I'll be away from my family and, besides from one week last month, the first time I'll be living by myself. And I'm going away for a year. Yeah, you can bet I'm scared.

I hadn't cried about going away until today. Everything just became so heightened and it finally dawned on me that I was leaving my parents for the first time. For one whole year.

Time for me to grow up. Wish me all the best.

List 10: Things I'm Grateful For This Week

1. My mum and dad. Why? Because without them I would not be here and I would not have celebrated my 19th birthday on Wednesday nor would I have had even half of the great party I had on Friday. So THANK YOU for EVERYTHING! I LOVE YOU BOTH!


2. My friends. I have the greatest friends and family in the world. Thank you for making that night the best :).


3. God. For getting me through the last 19 years. Alive.


4. Uni class are finally over and I only have one exam! (I'd rather have none but 1 is better than 4, like some of my friends)


5. A successful monologue performance on Tuesday. I was still trying to memorise my lines 10 minutes before I went on. Hah! Thank you, Jesus! Serge (my academic chair) even said it was an excellent performance which made me feel warm and fuzzy :). But I performed 'Blots' by Michael Frayn from Listen to This and I think it's a great monologue. It's funny and it's a crazy character, a lot of fun to play and experiment with.


6. My American visa was approved and it arrived! YAY!

This week was surprisingly good, albeit busy. The weekend has also been full on but fun (two parties, a family dinner and a family lunch). I love my family and friends. What did you get up to this week? What are you grateful for?

List 9: Things I'm Grateful For This Week

1. My mum. Happy birthday! (Yes, her birthday is exactly one week after my dad's)



2. Making plans of my dream house and location.



3. Beautiful dancing and dancers and videos (see here).



4. Party planning (even though I hate it).



5. Geeky things that make me smile and love being a geek!



6. Yellowcard. Amazing music, seemingly great guys and Ryan Key is an absolute geek! I want to marry him and have awesomely geeky cool babies.



7. Friends that I can count on.

What are you grateful for?

Thought Of You

So beautiful and amazing and heartbraking in its simplicity.

Thought of You from Ryan J Woodward on Vimeo.

List 8: Things I'm Grateful For This Week

1. My dad. Happy birthday!


2. My mum. Happy Mother's Day!


3. Homemade pizzas and eating until I feel sick.


4. Last minute presents.


5. HD+ on last minute assignments.


6. Picnics in class.

I hope you and your family (especially your mum!) had a wonderful Mother's Day and Sunday. Let me know what you're grateful for :).

I Heart My Old Teachers

So apparently this week is Teacher Appreciation Week and in honor of Teacher Appreciation Week, I just wanted to give a shout out to some of the most awesome teachers I've had (I know I've already done a post like this but let's just have another run through of the list seeing as it fits the week).

Skye (Miss Hegarty) - Oh Skye, what would I have done without Skye? She was one of the best teachers I have ever had. Inspiring, encouraging, understanding and more like a big sister than a teacher. She brought a group of girls who had hardly talked to each other (some of us barely liked each other) before year 12 together and now we're this little dance family unit. Granted, I haven't seen a lot of the girls in a long time but without her, we would not even have talked. Now I love my dance family and I miss dancing with them so much. I could go on and on about Skye but it would take forever. She is amazing.

Mr Altraide - My school dad! He always managed to make me smile and laugh every day and he was so committed to helping his students do their best, even if that included sacrificing his free time to tutor us, spending money on providing food and drink for us during tutoring sessions, getting maccas for his mentorees and just always supporting us. I remember once when I was so stressed about WAAPA and I went to talk to him (because he was my mentor) and he was so cute about it. He was so awkward because I'd started crying and he was trying to calm me down with tissues, food and advice. And he was all, "can I pray for you? Trust God. It's okay". So sweet. Not to mention the NUMEROUS times I bitched to him about how much I hated physics and was so bad at it. He was my physics teacher. Now I kind of miss doing physics. Haha.

Mrs Gostelow - Brilliance. I probably would not be doing half of what I'm doing at uni or doing it as well as I am (I got a HD+ for an essay in a unit that I hate and hardly put any work in). I loved my lit classes with her and my lit family. Eating cake and biscuits and drinking tea while talking about poetry and plays and novels was pretty much the best. Studying lit at uni just isn't the same when I don't have my lit family with me. Probably one of the best things happened after I'd graduated. I took an Intro to Lit unit last year and when our first essay came around, my tutor told us to forget about everything we learned in high school because it wasn't right for uni or something (I don't quite remember right now). Anyway, for our second essay I decided to do the question on poetry (TS Eliot's 'The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock'). Pretty much all of the notes I had was from when I'd studied 'Prufrock' in year 12. So basically everything for that essay was stuff from year 12 (I didn't really change the style in which I wrote my essays and my notes were as I mentioned earlier) and what did I get for that essay? A HD :). Thank you, Gosty, for equipping me with such skills. I miss our ponies!

Madam Henri - Ma mere de francais! Tiny and adorable! She was the one teacher who taught me all through my high school years and we spent so many awesome times together with our French family. She was so supportive and I miss French so much. She's one of the teachers I go to see first whenever I visit my old high school.

[Dr] Crombie - Where do I even start with Crombie? I've done a post on him too but he was such a story and testimony, such an inspiration. He was taken too early but I know he's in a better place and that I'll see him in good time. Rest in Paradise, Crombie. I miss him. We miss him. You can read the post about Crombie here.

Of course there are many other teachers that have made me smile, laugh, cheered me up and encouraged me. Too many to list but I hope they know who and how great they are. Take a moment this week to appreciate your teachers. Be nice to them, be thankful and grateful for them. They just want you learn, grow and for you to do your best, even if sometimes they seem like the worst teachers. And sometimes they are (trust me - I've had my fair share of horrid teachers, some of which I haven't been the nicest too either) but they're people too and everyone has feelings. Just smile at them this week, maybe.

On a side note - Happy International Star Wars Day! May the Fourth be with you :P.

Woah, what? New look?!
Yes, it was time for a name change and with that came a new blog look.

Hello, My Name Is Liquid Courage

I adjusted my position on the couch, trying to keep as much of my modesty intact. Julia, Meg, Chelsea and I had come to Thailand for a holiday retreat and the hotel was throwing a New Year’s Eve beach party. Of course, Meg, Chelsea and Julia had insisted we go. I didn’t party but I figured since we were on holiday, I’d give it a go. They had dolled me up in the prettiest but littlest dress they could find and we were now sitting on one of the couches the hotel had set up on the beach. The flame torches dotted around the place provided hardly any light and the music was so loud, I could barely hear anything.

“Anyone else want another round? I’m gonna get another round,” Chelsea announced.

I watched as Julia and Meg immediately downed the rest of their drinks and enthusiastically agreed for another.

“Lisa?”Chelsea asked.

“Um, no, I’m good thanks. I’m not quite done with my drink yet,” I told her, taking another sip from my cocktail.

“Jules, come with me! There’re only so many drinks I can hold while walking in a relatively straight line,” Chelsea said, dragging Julia up with her.

“Lisa!” Meg suddenly burst, “Have you ever had a shot?”

“A what? Was it one of your drinks that I tried?”

“A shot! A shot of vodka!” I shook my head and she gasped. “Have mine,” she said, passing me a tiny glass with clear liquid in it.

“Oh, the glass is so cute!”

“Just down it in one go, really quickly,” Meg commanded. I looked at her and then to the glass before deciding to just give it go... and wow, did it burn. I could hear Meg laughing, probably at the expression on my face.

“Okay, I’m gonna go get another one,” she giggled, getting up. I picked up my glass, trying to wash away the burning sensation of the vodka with the sweetness of my cocktail.

“Can I get you a drink?” I heard from behind.

I turned around and came face to... chest. A very nice, broad chest followed by a set of amazing abs and... his face which did not follow but was further up. I felt my cheeks burn and I hoped he hadn’t noticed.

“I... uh...”

“Hi,” he cut me off. He smiled and all I could see was blond hair, blue eyes and white teeth. I took a long sip from my glass. Liquid courage, kick in now.

“Hi,” I said but it came out more of a hiccup.

“Can I get you a drink?” he asked again.

I took in the strong jaw and tanned, toned torso. Oh right, Hot Guy had asked me a question.

“Oh, no, that’s alright. I already have one. But thanks for offering!” I held up my drink to show him.

“Where are you from?” he asked casually, sitting down and draping his arm over my shoulder. How friendly!

“Australia,” I shouted over the music just to make sure he heard.

“Aren’t people from Australia usually really tanned? Cause you get a lot of sun there and all.”

“Yeah but I try to stay out of the sun cause it’s bad for your skin and all,” I giggled, “Too much exposure can lead to cancer which no one wants. I always wear sunscreen and a hat, sometimes even a long sleeved top, you know, just to be on the safe side. What about you?” I took a long sip of drink. Talking made me thirsty!

Hot Guy was silent for a moment. He must’ve not heard me properly over the music so I began to repeat myself.

“Um, yeah... I think my friend’s calling me so... I’ll be right back,” he suddenly said as he got up and left. It must have been something urgent since he left in such a hurry. Taking another sip of my drink, I realised my glass was empty. Damn, where was Chelsea? I wanted more liquid courage before Hot Guy got back.

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This piece is quite different to the ones I usually write. It's funny and light-hearted. Not something sad, depressing or angry. It was part of an assignment that I had to hand in about a month ago where we had to hand in two pieces. One was this and the other was Hourglass (the previous story I posted). Hourglass was pretty depressing and sad and I wanted to have something upbeat and fun to counter it so that I didn't seem like I could only write dark, moody pieces. I was a bit apprehensive about handing it in but my tutor seemed to like it so here it is :).

Hope it made you smile.

List 7: Things I'm Grateful For This Week

1. Alias marathons.


2. Doctor Who marathons and smores. And then not being able to sleep after that :P.


3. Hopeful Productions and volunteering.


4. My family and friends.


5. GPS systems and getting to where I need to (eventually).


6. Surviving and being alive given the lack of sleep I get and the way I drive.


7. THE NEW SEASON OF DOCTOR WHO! *GASP*!

Let me know what you're grateful for.

List 6: Things I'm Grateful For This Week

1. Jesus and Easter!


2. Friends and family.


3. Fun times in Acting & Production I.


4. Public holidays.


5. The arrival of Yellowcard's When You're Through Thinking, Say Yes [FIIIINALLY]! Listening to it is like coming home and getting a massive bear hug. I have missed those boys so much.


6. My teddy bear and childhood cartoons. Thank you for making me feel a little bit better this week.


7. Discovering new and amazing bands.

So this week has been an up and down week. But it is Easter weekend and I have next week off from uni and God is good and taking care of me when I'm all by myself.

Let me know what you're grateful for :).

Direction

Have you ever felt directionless? I've been feeling quite directionless lately. Not just in regards to my future but to everything. I'm not quite sure why.

People have been asking me what I plan to do after my degree or what I can do with it and to be honest, I'm not quite sure. I know what I want to do, what I want to be, but not what I'm going to do or end up being. I see my friends who are at WAAPA and I can't help but feel really sad whenever I do. Jealousy is probably partly there somewhere in the mix but I mostly just feel sad and disappointed in myself that I'm not there; that I wasn't good enough. I'm still dancing, which is great, but it's not quite the same.

What can you do with an English degree? What can you do with an English and Creative Arts degree? Don't say teaching, that's so obvious. And like they say: those who can't do, teach. I want to be able to do because I know I can. I think I can? I just don't want to be a failure and disappointment to myself.

Mix in a huge dose of loneliness and you've got yourself an unhealthy serving of self-loathing and hatred. Why is life so hard? Why am I so bitter to myself? I don't want to be. I want to be happy with myself and who I am. To not have to worry about what size I am or what my face shape is or how smooth and even my complexion is or what people think of me. I just want to be content. I feel like a hypocrite sometimes. I want to help people but I can't even help myself?

I just don't know where to go or what to do.

I found this band yesterday. They're called Adventure Land and they're from Brisbane, Australia. They're an awesome band and they have this one song called The Eastern Sky that I've been listening to all day (I found it yesterday and I pretty much know all the lyrics to that song already). It's an amazing song with amazing lyrics but probably the lines (of many in the song) that gets to me is the part that goes "this couldn't hold you down, you know you're stronger than you think. So get yourself off the floor and grab hold of all your dreams".

I wish I had more faith and trust. But I realised that I don't trust easily. I don't forgive easily and I never forget either.

I wish I knew what I was doing. I wish I knew what God was doing with me.

List 5: Things I'm Grateful For This Week

1. Birthdays and birthday parties!! Happy birthday to Adele and Amy!


2. Friends who take care of you when you can't (SO grateful for them).


3. Hilarious (albeit extremely tiring) day at uni on Tuesday.


4. Time spent with friends I haven't seen or talked to in a long time.


5. Finding old assignments on novels that I'm studying again to use for my presentation.


6. Yellowcard announcing that they're coming on the Soundwave: Revolution tour (it seems like every week, there is at least one thing involving Yellowcard).

This week was a fairly good week. What are you grateful for this week?

List 4: Things I'm Grateful For This Week

1. THE RAIN AND COOLER WEATHER! In the second half of the week, at least.


2. Finally getting my acceptance package to Ithaca College :).


3. Donating blood with Mel (her first time!) and managing to fill up a whole bag.


4. A good ballet class on Thursday.


5. Yellowcard's music video for Hang You Up was released and I actually really like it.


6. Spending time with family.

This week's been a bit of a tough week but I managed to find some small things that made me smile. What are you grateful for?

Hourglass

Streaks staining threads. Dirt dusting soles. I watch as she plays in the sandbox. Building sandcastles and knocking them down. Up, down, up, down. She chuckles as she knocks them over, laughs as she builds them again; never giving up in rebuilding her fortress. But now she is digging. Digging and searching for something only she knows. Or maybe she is burying something, hiding a toy she will later find as buried treasure. She lives in her world of saturated colours and cuddles, paying no attention to the outside.

There is no room for sleep or bath time in her doll house. No time to waste in braiding hair at her tea parties. There are new friends to meet, new things to learn. She lets me tuck her in at night only so that the next day will come quicker.

Streaks staining threads. Dirt dusting soles. She drags herself home, painfully aware of the outside. Saturated colours melt into grey as days pass into weeks into months into years. I watch as she grows older, no longer lost in her own world but lost in herself. There is now time for sleep but no room in her mind for rest. Time for baths but no hope of being clean. She collapses each night so that the day will end and fights the morning so the day doesn’t have to start.

Every sunrise that comes brings a moment of remembrance. Crimson, navy, indigo and ochre covering a canvas of beige. Ebony and slate washing out minutes of hours of days.

I see her toeing the sandbox where she used to play and upsets the sand. Pink pops out. It is her doll; doe-eyed and rosy. A reminder of her saturated colours and cuddles but covered in dirt and sand. She picks her doll up, smooths out her ringlets and her doll gazes back at her. Her doll has not aged in years and she thinks that ignorance pays for immortality. She lets go and her dolly falls down, down back to the ground where other left over toys and half-built sandcastles lie.

Streaks staining threads. Dirt dusting soles. I watch her as she turns away, not bothering to rebuild her crumbling sandcastle.

List 3: Things I'm Grateful For This Week

1. Getting accepted into Ithaca College!


2. Hearing that Matthew Leone is going to return to the stage soon.


3. Finding old David Tennant Doctor Who episodes that I hadn't seen before.


4. Taking a legit Harry Potter quiz (in an attempt to procrastinate and in relation to something my friend and I were talking about) and finding out that I'm supposedly in Slytherin (yessssss!). Just like I'd thought (I was either going to be in Slytherin or Ravenclaw.


5. My sister introducing me to Audrey Assad. Such a beautiful singer.

What are you grateful for?

LXD at TED

I love TED.
I love The LXD.
The LXD + TED = happiness, excitement, epicness, inspiration

Everyone should watch this and be awe-inspired. TED does some amazing things, watch a few of their other presenters and guest speakers doing their thang.

After all this time you've managed to slowly weasle your way back into my head. So slowly that I didn't even see it coming.

Do you know how annoying that is? Very.

List 2: Things I'm Grateful For This Week

1. Yellowcard's new album When You're Through Thinking, Say Yes was released this week. YELLOWCARD IS BACK! Anyone who knows me well will know that Yellowcard is my favourite band of all time. They have gotten me through so much in the last eight years and I all but cried when they announced their indefinite hiatus. But now they're back and are as strong as ever!
2. My uni study break (please don't end!)
3. My family and friends who are alive
4. My mum's Thermomix cookbook coming out
5. Getting Epic Espresso coffee

It's the little things in life that count :).

a Heap of mellow jello

It's waaaay past midnight (the time of publishing is 3:42am) and I've been in one of those mellow big-sigh moods. I was really in the mood to listen to something chill but not sleepy but, having a great amount of stuff on my iPod, I couldn't quite pinpoint what exactly I felt like listening to off the top of my head. So, scrolling through all the artists I have, I came across Imogen Heap. Bingo.

Imogen Heap is brilliant. I always respected her as an amazing musician and singer. She was interesting and different and unique but never have I really listened to her words until tonight. She is such a good songwriter, in my opinion. I'm a sucker for good lyrics and I get sad sometimes when a song has nice lyrics or a really good meaning but is paired with a terrible singer or melody. Some examples include: Firework by Katy Perry (I actually really like this song and it's fun to sing but I really do not like Katy Perry. Really, really. At all) and The Climb by Miley Cyrus (okay, so maybe I have some Miley songs on my iPod but she is annoyingly catchy. I like The Climb but not necessarily Miss Cyrus) among others. There are some things about lyrics that can really impact me, among which are these main things - how much the song relates to me at that moment, the message and the imagery used to convey it. Some of the imagery Imogen Heap uses is wonderful. While, at this present moment, the songs might not exactly relate to me, the imagery she has is incredible.



Half Life was my favourite song off Ellipse. At first it was because it sounded nice and the chorus painted an interesting picture for me:

It's a half life

With you as my quarterback

A daft life

I'm not American and I don't really know much about gridiron football but from what I understand, a quarterback is one of the most important roles in the team; the one that has most of the responisbilities and the one that handles (most, if not all) the touches (scores the points. Pretty much who the team relies on). This juxtaposition between an unfulfilled life and the role of the quarterback was interesting to me. It's almost like she's saying she can't depend on him but yet has no choice but to do so (or no willpower to do so, rather). On the flip side though, a quarterback also has to depend on his team to have his back. That, with the rest of the song, makes it seem like he might rely on her but not in the same way she relies on him. It paints a really unhealthy relationship to me. She depends on him, she idolises him (are quarterbacks not always portrayed as being the guy all the girls want and all the guys want to be? In movies at least) but yet she's obviously not recieving the same, or at least adequet, attention. Not right now but once upon a time, there was someone who pretty much recieved that much of my attention but I never recieved any of it back. Not in the way I wanted at least and that took up two years of my emotional life. In other words - I relate. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I just wanted to show you that I liked Half Life and why but until tonight, I didn't realise the amazingness (yes, it's a word now) that it possessed.

[Note: the song (to me) is pretty much what I said above. A girl who has feelings for someone but who doesn't exactly return them and she knows that they never will yet she still waits and tries.]

Be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then

the perfect heart's length away

"The perfect heart's length away". I love that image. It creates such a wonderful scene of wanting to be detached but yet not really being able to because your heart is still involved.

My self-worth measured in text back tempo

it's been two days eight minutes too slow

We are so dependent on technology. It's horrible. I should know. Trying to stay cool while waiting anxiously and uncertainly for that text or Facebook or chat reply, counting every single second it takes them to do so and over-analysing every single word, puncuation and emoticon used. We've all been there, we all know how it feels.

And now for my favourite lines in the whole song:

Will you ever slow down? Will I ever come first?

The universe contracts to sigh.

Wow. I can actually just picture her getting left behind as he continues on with his life, oblivious to what he's doing to her, oblivious to all her attempts at getting to him and everyone else watching on. "The universe contracts to a sigh" is my favouritest line. Contracts. What a word; what a movement. It's like a seizure, a collapse. But less severe, less important. She doesn't matter; what's one girl's sad love life to the universe? And the way Imogen Heap sings that line. It's a breath, literally a sigh. It sounds so defeated and accepted. She knows she's fighting a loosing battle with that relationship but yet she can't give up.

The song is gorgeous and while I said I didn't want to listen to a mellow-sleepy song, once you start listening to Imogen Heap, you can't stop.

Some other images and lines I found that really impacted me in some of her other songs include:

"You say, "too late to start, got your heart in a headlock" - Headlock. A headlock. The age-old battle between your heart and your head but without saying it.

"The dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet" - Hide and Seek. I don't know why but I like it. And I love this song too, not that Jason Derulo abomination. Sigh.

"The urge to feel your face and blood rushing to paint my handprint" - First Train Home. "Blood rushing to paint my handprint" is just amazing. Blood and handprints. Things that last in one way or another. And also just a great way to say that she's blushing and excited at the thought of seeing him and returning home.

"Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed" - Wait It Out. I'm not even going to touch this wonderful image with an analysis. Fun fact: Imogen Heap performed this song at the 2009 TED conference.

Another fun fact: Imogen Heap is now recording her fourth studio album with the help of her fans in a fan-collaboration project. I think that is mighty cool and a great way to show your appreciation for your fans :). Go to her official website http://www.imogenheap.com/ for more information.

List 1: Things I Miss Doing

1. Singing with my sisters
2. Dancing with my dance family
3. Losing myself in an awesome book
4. Curling up in a warm bed when it's freezing outside (bring me winter!)

The Sun Never Says

Even
after
all this time
the sun never says to the earth,

“You owe me.”

Look
what happens
with a love like that–

it lights
the whole world.

– Hafiz

You don't get to pick your family...

Dear Family,

Thank you for calling me fat tonight. Twice.

Sincerely,
Yours Truly.

Friend Detox

I haven't blogged in a while.
I also haven't cried in a while.

[Just a warning and a sorry in advance - this is going a be a personal, emotional ramble. Good luck if you continue on.]

I feel like a need to cry but I can't.
I'm hating life right now and some friends too. For no apparent reason that I can think of.
I feel like just going on a friend detox. No contact with anyone, no texting, no calling, no Facebooking.

This is something that's been weighing down on me lately and I'm not one to talk about how I'm feeling so this is actually really hard for me.

Maybe I'm just being absolutely stupid but lately I've been having issues discerning if I have any "proper" friends (whatever that may mean). A while ago I sort of unofficially stopped being friends with one of my (I thought) best friends. A look back on our friendship made me realise that I was always the one initiating our communication. I was always the one who would suggest and organise that we catch up, I was always the one asking her to come along to places with me, I was the one who called her when I needed someone to talk to. I got so tired of always putting in the work to keep our friendship going that I eventually decided to stop. There were other reasons but I'm not going to talk about that; this was one of the major reasons that effected not only my friendship with this girl but also my relationship with other people. I realised that I was always the one who was making all the effort to catch up, stay in touch, keep the friendship going. I was always the one hanging on so tightly.

So I just decided to let go. And we haven't talked since unless circumstances have forced us to.

It was actually good for a while too. I just stopped caring and stopped talking to people unless they talked to me. I wasn't worried or upset when I wasn't invited to a certain thing or I wasn't included. I mean, I don't really blame people for not inviting me to some things because I'm a homebody. I don't really like going out clubbing or partying or drinking all the time. So I just stopped caring and stopped making the effort. I stopped hoping for a certain situation or outcome so I stopped being disappointed. I think I need to do that again.

A friend people detox is what I need.

Maybe I'm needy, insecure, am too loyal to friends and expect too much and I have issues but having friends who I can't talk to, no matter how hard I want to, isn't helping. My friends can say that I can talk to them, but can I really? I just feel like I'm bothering them. I feel like I can't talk to anybody and I feel like I don't have anyone. I know what some of them will say.

One of them will call my silly, give me a huge hug, tell me she loves me, reassures me that I can always talk to her. And I'm grateful because lately she's been the only person I could really call a friend, you know? For some strange reason though, I just can't talk to her about how I feel about things. I might be able to talk about some things but not all. And the things that I do talk about just seem so stupid and inane when said out loud. Although, she is possibly the only one who when I'm with, I don't feel like I'm being judged.

Another one will laugh it off, tell me that I'm being silly and that she's my friend but when it comes to her, I can't tell if she's pretending or being genuine. That is if I do tell her things like this which I don't. Sometimes I feel like she just humours me and spends time with me because we've known each other since high school and we have to see each other every week at uni.

Someone else that I know told me that he considered me one of his best friends. Doesn't seem that way anymore. I haven't talked to him in the longest time and when we do (hardly) talk, it's like we have nothing to talk about anymore.

Is it horrible of me to want to go on my uni exchange program so badly so that I can get away from everyone here and try again somewhere else? Even if it's just for a year. Sometimes I feel like I want to die just so I can see who really cared.

I also realised something the other day - I push people away a lot. Especially guys. I don't really have much to say about that except for that I don't know why. I really don't.

I'm going to stop caring. I'm going to be this hardened being who doesn't give a shit about what people are doing with or without her. I'm going to stop feeling that little bit rejected and guilty when I see the people I know I've pushed away.

We'll see how long it lasts.