I never thought Talib Kweli would be the one to remind me what I was doing with my life.

“You have to have hope for the future to be an artist.” – Talib Kweli

I took this winter class over my break, Watching Race in US Media (by Dr Paula Ioanide) and it had a very big impact on me. The winter class was a truncated version of Dr Paula's full semester course, but even in those two short weeks, I learned a lot. It unlocked another way of thinking and an ability to analyze that I had never really put much effort or thought into previously, but more than that it taught me a lot about things I hadn’t really thought about in depth before. Our class was focused on race in US media but through that it exposed me more to the social injustice that’s happened and still continues to happen in this country. And being a minority in this country, it definitely was applicable to me.

My mind, my eyes and my knowledge had been broadened and I questioned what I was doing with my life. We don’t really have gen eds at Murdoch University the same way we do here so I kind of jumped straight into my theatre degree, and as I’ve progressed through it, things inevitably got more and more specific to what we’re studying. Taking Dr Paula’s class made me think and feel like I had missed out on learning so much and made me question my decision to study performing arts. I guess one of my biggest goals in life is to help people and when I thought about why I was doing theatre and how it related to helping people, it didn’t quite match up in my head. I was doing dance and theatre because I loved it. It provided this outlet of expression with the things I had troubling saying; it made me feel less alone; and it brought me into this world where I didn’t really care what other people thought of me. Maybe I'm not the best dancer and maybe after, I do care about what people think of me, but in that exact moment when I’m dancing, when my body, the music, and my heart take over, I could not care less what anyone else thought of me. Even three days ago, I had this idea in my head of leaving school to take dance classes and auditions in LA or New York City. I’m not sorry that sounds so cliché. There is absolutely nothing wrong with those reasons, but I was very concerned that it seemed selfish and I wasn’t exactly sure what that said as a reflection of me or how it aligned with my goal of helping people.

I remember feeling really lost after our final Watching Race in US Media class and almost being in tears because I was feeling so conflicted.

But after participating in the staged reading of Dream Acts* and attending the Talib Kweli event tonight, I know that dance and theatre is definitely what I want to do. We'd had one rehearsal for our staged reading of Dream Acts and already at that level, it was impacting and the questions and discussions that followed after our performance was proof of that. People were learning things and asking questions – conversations were happening, knowledge was being gained and awareness was being raised. I sat at the Talib Kweli event tonight and I looked at all of these kids, students and community members that were there. A group of bros sat behind me and before the event started, all they were talking about was things like, “Yo, I wonder if he’ll rap for us”. I wasn’t sure if they really knew what he had come to Ithaca for. I wasn’t even exactly clear on what he was going to talk about, what he stood for. And I didn’t know how many other people in that room did. But one thing was really clear – they were all there to see Talib Kweli because they admired him. Maybe they didn't really know what he was there for, maybe they did; but they came and they listened, and they asked questions. As Macklemore raps in his song Otherside:  “Us as rappers underestimate the power and the effects that we have on these kids”. And it's true.

I guess I got lost for a moment, but once again, I’m seeing theatre, music, dance – performing arts – impacting and educating people, spreading knowledge, raising awareness, being voices for people who can’t speak up, beacons of hope for those who don’t know what to do.

This is what we’re here for. To start conversations, to enlighten and to make people ask questions. To be the voice to the voiceless, and the hope for the hopeless.

I feel very privileged to have been a part of Dream Acts and to have sat in the same room as Talib Kweli and listened to him speak about social justice and activism.

I never thought it’d be a rapper that would indirectly remind and reassure me that art, in its myriad of forms, is indeed what I want to do with my life and the medium through which I can help people.

------

Dream Acts is fictional play about five DREAM (Development, Relief and Education for Alien Minors) act eligible youths and the challenges they face trying to live ordinary lives while being undocumented. This bill has been in review in Congress since 2009. As of the end of 2012, 8 states have implemented their own versions of the DREAM act. Find out more information here and here.

Welcome to Midnight

Photo courtesy of To Write Love On Her Arms

10

The countdown begins. From months to weeks to days to hours to minutes and, finally, to seconds.

9

2012 was a year. Big decisions were made; lives were relocated, new members of the family were welcomed; multiple goodbyes to multiple people were said; many laughs were shared; a lot more tears were shed; growing up and wising up was done.

8

I never really understood the need for all of the celebrations and fireworks, but then again I’ve never been a New Year’s person; never really celebrated it much. To me, it was just another day. The clock striking midnight has never been a moment of significance or change for me. It was just the transition from another day that I had lasted through into another day that I would hopefully survive.

7

I never make resolutions because I know I’ll never keep them. I’m never able to hold the promises that I make to myself.

6

New Year’s has always come with a sense of poignancy and nostalgia for me. Midnight comes with remembrance for everything that has happened in the year just passed, and relief with the fact that I’ve survived it once more. Midnight comes with the uncertainty of what the next year will bring, and a vague sense of hope that maybe it will be better, if only just a little bit.

5

I am not going to make any resolutions or promises of improvement for next year. I already know that it will be challenging in many ways. And why should one day be dedicated to making the decision to change and be healthier, happier, wealthier, better…

4

Maybe it’s in that one moment. A moment of thrill, excitement, adrenaline, anticipation, trepidation… The expectation and hope for something else. Something better. The moment when an old year becomes a new year. When an old you can maybe become a new you. I know it’s not easy. Change is scary and it takes time. Acceptance, healing, recovery, forgiveness… Wounds heal but scars stay and is it all worth it?

3

I am scared – no, terrified – of what 2013 will bring. But right now, if only for a moment, I will welcome midnight.

2

Happy New Year.

1

#welcometomidnight

Walk Away

Here I stand.

With my heart and everything that I am

In my hands.

In front of you,

Bare.

Shadows and scars for you to judge. And I’ll just leave it all

At your feet, all that’s left of me.

A bag of bones and an aching heart,

And I’ll leave that too because what use is it to me now.

And I’ll walk away, walk away.        

With nothing left of me

I’ll walk away, walk away now and I won’t

Look back at what I used to be.

What you have of me.

You have all of me.

I won’t call, won’t ask how you’re doing.

And I hope you won’t too.

Because I already know if you do,

I won’t lie like I used to.

You have all of me now. I won’t ask for it back.

I’ll just pray that you’ll be gentle with it as I walk away.

I'll just pray that you'll know how sorry I am as I walk away.

I’ll walk away, leave you be, and I’ll try not to look back.

The Realness of TWLOHA.

Dear Blog,

Today I met Jamie Tworkowski! He was so nice and dreamy and he called me Beth by accident and now it's a big joke between us and we're biffles now!

- as dictated by Meg Rindfleisch

Fangirlness aside, it was a really amazing night. Jamie Tworkowski is the founder of To Write Love On Her Arms and he spoke at Cornell University on the 22nd of February. I would never have gotten such an opportunity like this back home (at least not for a long time) and I am so grateful to be alive and to be here in Ithaca to experience it.

I didn't know what to expect for tonight except honesty and conversation. Music is an important part of TWLOHA and so as usual, Jamie had a support act. He had Anthony Raneri from Bayside with him on tour this time and it was great. Jamie just shared the story of Renee and the beginning of TWLOHA and what they've been doing lately. It wasn't really anything that I didn't already know but that's not what made the night and the whole experience so wonderful and worthwhile. For me, it was being able to spend time with the other TWLOHA-ICers that I don't usually spend time with in the meetings, to talk to them and get to know them and to spend more time with the ones that I did. Community and conversation is such an integral part of TWLOHA and I was so glad to be able to just spend time with them; members old and new, and now friends.

It wasn't even just about me spending time with the other people in the group. It was about the bigger community coming together with the common goal to reach out to people struggling and to let them know that they're not alone. Apart from us and the people from Cornell, there were kids from one of the local high schools and even someone from Cortland who had driven in. Some people hadn't even heard of TWLOHA before but they understood how it feels to hurt and to be alone or how important having a community and support is.

And yes, we did get to meet Jamie after the event. We got to talk to him and take pictures and thank him for everything he's done for us through TWLOHA. And yes, he did rename me Beth after I had said I was from Perth (how he ended up at Beth from Perth is beyond me).

Tonight was unbelievable. It was honest, open, comforting and loving. So thank you to Renee, Jamie, To Write Love On Her Arms and my TWLOHA-Ithaca College family for existing. I haven't been so honestly and truly happy in almost ten years as I have been here and as cheesy as it sounds (and hey, we love our cheese!), for the first time, I feel like I have people I can actually turn to and talk to without feeling like a burden.

Photo courtesy of Karalyn Mark.

St Valentine's Day

Today is the 13th of February. I went to my classes, did my work, saw my friends; nothing out of the ordinary.

Tomorrow is the 14th of February. I will go to my classes and meetings, do my work, see my friends, and do nothing out of the ordinary.

Except for a lot of people, tomorrow the 14th of February is one that they'd rather not face. Tomorrow might remind them of broken relationships, lost loved ones. It might make them feel even more alone in a sea of people than they already do. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day wasn't always what it is now - a day that's become primarily about Hallmark cards and letting other people and material gifts determine your place and value in the world. It was originally St Valentine's Day, a day honoring the Christian martyrs, Saint Valentine (there were at least three of them), at least one of which had been martyred on the 14th. It wasn't until poet Geoffrey Chaucer penned:

For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.

["For this was Saint Valentine's Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate."]

that the romantic traditions started occurring. The day had originally started out as a day to honor a saint and his good works. Years later, it was removed from the General Roman Calendar but yet it still continues as a day where one would send letters, cards, flowers, chocolates, candy and stuffed toys (often in varying shades of pink and red) to loved ones. Or potential loved ones. And what happens when you don't receive any letters, cards, flowers, chocolates, candy or stuffed toys?

It took one poet and his one line to turn St Valentine's Day into what it is now, and somewhere along the way, we've just accepted what we've been fed. We've bought into this idea of Valentine's Day - that you're not loved if you're alone on this day. That you're not cared for if you don't get anything. That you're not worth it if you've been left behind.

But it's not true. Love isn't something you can materialise. It's not something tangible that can be represented through chocolates and flowers and cute teddy bears. I've never been in love, but I understand what it's like to feel alone. It's not a flaw to be lonely, and it's not wrong either. It's natural and it's inevitable when you open your heart up to someone. Love and loneliness, we cannot have one without the other.

I have every reason to hate Valentine's Day this year. Broken hearts and promises, stomped on feelings and confusing mind games in the last year have given me every reason to despise it this year. But I don't. Because I'm really not alone on this day, and neither are you. I have friends and family and I'm not about to let one day in the year and the absence of a person decide how I see myself. I hope you don't either.

This year, don't let Valentine's Day be entirely about someone else. Let it be about learning to appreciate yourself first before being able to appreciate others. I know it's difficult and even I'm learning as I go, but I know that the end will be much more fulfilling and purposeful.

And anyway, we shouldn't need a designated day to show the people we love that we care about them and appreciate them. We should always show them that.

To Write Love On Hejr Arms is holding their annual Valentine's Day Doesn't Have to Suck chat on absolutepunk.net. If you're feeling alone this year, I encourage you to join in. You're not the only one.

Happy Valentine's Day :).

Source: thenotebookdoodles.com via Desiree on Pinterest

Crazy and Not Crazy

Today in our To Write Love On Her Arms IC meeting we shared a couple of stories and experiences. One of the stories that was shared was how one of the members of our group got called crazy in her freshman year by her roommate because she was dealing with issues like anxiety, depression and self-abuse. Her roommate didn't understand and just couldn't grasp (or maybe didn't want to) what it meant to hurt and suffer that way and so just lumped it down to her being "crazy". The gasp and shocked expressions that took over all of our faces when we heard that was incredible. I don't think there was a single one of us who hadn't heard that story before who felt shocked, enraged and maybe even a little pitiful for the person who had said that.

Just because you deal with issues like that doesn't make you crazy. It means you're normal (whatever that means!). You're human, you feel, you think. We all go through different lengths and depths of "craziness" but that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

We were discussing deconstruction last week in my one of my English classes and one of the things that we talked about was how Derrida argues that we tend to think and express our thoughts in terms of opposites. For example, something is tall and so not short, masculine and therefore not feminine, conscious and therefore not unconscious, and so on.

In that sense then, what is "crazy"? After some super pro Googling, I found on good ol' thesaurus.com that some antonyms for "crazy" are "realistic", "sane" and "sensible". Someone answered this same question on answers.com, saying that: "A word meaning the opposite of crazy is sane. Some people might equate "sane" with being mellow, indifferent, or not easily rattled" (the bold is an addition). And, this is my favourite, the "best answer" to the opposite word of crazy on Yahoo! Answers is "boring and closed minded". (I know that answers.com and Yahoo! Answers aren't exactly credible sources but I put them in for lols. Everyone needs some lolness in their life)

Do these "opposite" meanings of "crazy" not seem... dull to you? Yes, being realistic is good, it keeps you grounded. But having dreams are even better. They give you something to reach towards and something to focus on.

If, according the above person's definition, "sane" can equate to "indifferent", well then I definitely don't want to be sane. Being indifferent and not caring about anything is such a waste of a life. We were put on this planet for a reason. If we were put on this planet and given this life to be indifferent, why were we put here at all? What would you wake up in the morning for?

And of course, no one wants to be boring and closed minded. That's not fun for anyone.

So if those are the opposites of being crazy, why is it such a bad thing to be crazy? Being crazy sounds a lot more fun than being not crazy, but maybe that's just me. And I guess that makes me crazy.

As the Cheshire Cat says to Alice, "We're all mad here."

But if being crazy scares you, don't worry. You're gonna get better soon. Not not-crazy but something that transcends the awesomeness of being crazy. You're going to be incredible :).


Matchbox Twenty - by Warner-Music

Fears vs Dreams: Thoughts from Applefest

The weekend just gone was Ithaca's annual Applefest, which is the town's apple harvest festival. The Ithaca College To Write Love On Her Arms UChapter (University Chapter) had a table there and I was helping out. Despite the freezing cold and dismal rain, it was one of the happiest days I'd had in a very long time.

So for those who have never heard of To Write Love On Her Arms, TWLOHA is a non-profit movement devoted to reaching out and helping people suffering from depression, addiction and self-injury, and investing directly into treatment and recovery. We believe in conversation and community. We believe - no, we know that you're not alone in your hurt and fear. We believe that your best and brightest days are ahead. We believe that you are loved more than you can ever comprehend, even if it's sometimes hard to believe.

I started the day not knowing any of the people I was going to be spending the day with but I didn't care. The whole weekend was scheduled to be freezing, windy and rainy but I didn't care. I had an 8-10 page assignment due on Monday and three plays to read but I didn't care. I was involved with TWLOHA and I was spreading the word. That's all that mattered.

We had a bunch of stuff available at our TWLOHA table; we were doing henna 'love' tattoos in different languages, selling TWLOHA merch, we had contact information for local and national hotlines, selling silver ribbons but what I was most excited about was the Fears vs Dreams project that we decided to take part in.

The Fears vs Dreams project started as a road trip where TWLOHA founder Jamie Tworkowski and photographer Jeremy Cowart travelled around collecting people's fears and dreams. They would get people to write down a fear and a dream and take a photo of it. You might think it sounds silly and pointless - "I'm not afraid of anything." - but it's not. Sometimes it's easier to admit these things in forms that aren't verbal, I know it's like that for me, and some times you need to admit these things, to voice them. What you might find is that you're not alone in your fears and insecurities or your dreams and ambitions.

I sure thought I was in mine. I spent about half an hour trying to work up the courage to write down one of my fears and dreams and when I finally managed to pen "Fear: To be alone and unloved. Dream: To be genuinely happy with who I am", the girl next to me read it and went, "that's my fear and dream too". I thought I was the only one who had those insecurities. It's so easy to look at someone surrounded by people and think that they don't have to worry about having no one. But that's not what it means to not be alone. You can be in a room filled with people you've known your whole life and still feel alone.

What I discovered at Applefest was that so many of us share the same fears and dreams. We fear living a life alone and unfulfilled and dream of making an impact and living a life filled with love and happiness. But yet, we don't talk about it.

People are scared to admit their fears, and even their dreams. They're afraid others will laugh at them, look down on them, think less of them. Well, they probably share the some of the fears and dreams you have and maybe they react that way because they're scared to admit it to themselves.

You don't have to be. To have fear is absolutely normal. It's so human, it's boring. But that's what makes it great. Maybe we don't all share the exact same fears but some of us do and it's a comfort to know that you're not alone. Fearing doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're alive. It means you feel. It means that when you get past what you're afraid of (and you will), you're going to be wiser and stronger than you were before.

And dreams. Dreams give us something to wake up for everyday. They give us hope and motivation in a life that's so short and uncertain. They give us a future.

Maybe your dreams are what your fear. That's totally okay. That's more than okay, it's good. Get past those fears and shoot for your goals. Take that uncertainty and turn it in to motivation. It might take some time and it might be slow but when you get there, it'll be all the more worth it.


Photo courtesy of Karalyn Marks.

If you'd like, share some of your fears and dreams with me.

Learn more about To Write Love On Her Arms here.

Learn more about Fears vs Dreams here.

See more photos from Applefest here and here.

Now.

Life is short.

Take lots of photos.
Sing at the top of your lungs.
Dance in the street.
Give everybody hugs.
Cry when you need to.
Laugh when you don't.
Go on roadtrips.
Travel.
Watch the sun set.
Watch the sun rise.
Take chances.

Love yourself.

Doing What You Love

Tonight was the Stu Larsen: Ryeford gig. It was organised by Hopeful Productions and I volunteer with them.

I got asked a couple of times tonight if I worked for Hopeful Productions to which I replied with no, I was just volunteering. Later on, I was talking to one half of one of the support acts (see Alex and Ross Conradie) and I, again, got asked if I worked for Hopeful Productions. I said no and mentioned how the things I do for free are the things I love doing and the things I get paid to do are the things I find meh.

Examples: Graphic design work for Skye and volunteering for Hopeful. Previously, all the design work I'd done for Skye had been free of charge and I had absolutely no problem with that (only this year did she pay me for the work I did for PLC, after she'd left WBC). I was totally fine with working on the designs instead of studying for my exams and only getting a boquet of flowers in return (if even). My sister asked me how I liked what I did for Hopeful and honestly, I love it. I really, really enjoy helping them and it doesn't matter that I do it for free. I could not care less about that.

I think part of the reason that I like doing what I mentioned above is because I'm helping them. I realised a long time ago that I just want to help people. I want to intern at To Write Love On Her Arms because I want to help people when they most need someone, I want to be able to give them the support and comfort that I never got. I want to go on mission trips and help those in need. I remember when the Haiti earthquakes happened, all I wanted to do was go over and help. They showed all those images of those poor children who had been abandoned (not just specifically with the Haiti earthquakes but anything - Hurricane Katrina, Japan and New Zealand earthquakes) and all I can think of is how those poor children shouldn't have to be in that position. They're children and they shouldn't have to go through that. I just wanted to help them and hug them. But I digress majorly. My brain isn't functioning properly right now.

Find me a job where I can help others and I will be happy with it. That's what I love doing - helping others. Whether it's just being there when someone needs somebody to listen or helping run an event or going over choreography with someone; I just want to give to the community. It's not even a "give back" to the community, it's just a give. I don't want to do something in return, I just want to do something. Change the world, make it better.

I'm so sorry if this post makes zilch sense (I'm reading it back and it makes hardly any sense to me), I've just been thinking about it since I said it and I had to get it off my chest. I have gotten little to no sleep in the last few days (try 2 and 4am on consecutive nights and it's also currently 2:30am), I guess I'm back to being a partial insomniac again.

Bottom line: I want to help people. I am happy when I help people. I want to make others happy by helping them. I feel useful and worthy when I help people. I feel like I'm making a difference, even if it's just a small one. I want to change the world and make it better place for others.

Please check out Hopeful Productions at http://hopefulproductions.tumblr.com/ and support them.

Thanks and goodnight.

It has finally hit me...

So today on the way back from my pre-departure session, I cried for the first time about going on exchange. Talking to people and discussing going away and what we're expecting and excited/afraid of just made everything more real. And then I was listening to Ben Folds as I was driving back and Still Fighting It came on and everything was fine until the part that goes "one day you'll fly away from me" and boom, turn on the waterworks.

This is the first time I'll be away from my family and, besides from one week last month, the first time I'll be living by myself. And I'm going away for a year. Yeah, you can bet I'm scared.

I hadn't cried about going away until today. Everything just became so heightened and it finally dawned on me that I was leaving my parents for the first time. For one whole year.

Time for me to grow up. Wish me all the best.

I Heart My Old Teachers

So apparently this week is Teacher Appreciation Week and in honor of Teacher Appreciation Week, I just wanted to give a shout out to some of the most awesome teachers I've had (I know I've already done a post like this but let's just have another run through of the list seeing as it fits the week).

Skye (Miss Hegarty) - Oh Skye, what would I have done without Skye? She was one of the best teachers I have ever had. Inspiring, encouraging, understanding and more like a big sister than a teacher. She brought a group of girls who had hardly talked to each other (some of us barely liked each other) before year 12 together and now we're this little dance family unit. Granted, I haven't seen a lot of the girls in a long time but without her, we would not even have talked. Now I love my dance family and I miss dancing with them so much. I could go on and on about Skye but it would take forever. She is amazing.

Mr Altraide - My school dad! He always managed to make me smile and laugh every day and he was so committed to helping his students do their best, even if that included sacrificing his free time to tutor us, spending money on providing food and drink for us during tutoring sessions, getting maccas for his mentorees and just always supporting us. I remember once when I was so stressed about WAAPA and I went to talk to him (because he was my mentor) and he was so cute about it. He was so awkward because I'd started crying and he was trying to calm me down with tissues, food and advice. And he was all, "can I pray for you? Trust God. It's okay". So sweet. Not to mention the NUMEROUS times I bitched to him about how much I hated physics and was so bad at it. He was my physics teacher. Now I kind of miss doing physics. Haha.

Mrs Gostelow - Brilliance. I probably would not be doing half of what I'm doing at uni or doing it as well as I am (I got a HD+ for an essay in a unit that I hate and hardly put any work in). I loved my lit classes with her and my lit family. Eating cake and biscuits and drinking tea while talking about poetry and plays and novels was pretty much the best. Studying lit at uni just isn't the same when I don't have my lit family with me. Probably one of the best things happened after I'd graduated. I took an Intro to Lit unit last year and when our first essay came around, my tutor told us to forget about everything we learned in high school because it wasn't right for uni or something (I don't quite remember right now). Anyway, for our second essay I decided to do the question on poetry (TS Eliot's 'The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock'). Pretty much all of the notes I had was from when I'd studied 'Prufrock' in year 12. So basically everything for that essay was stuff from year 12 (I didn't really change the style in which I wrote my essays and my notes were as I mentioned earlier) and what did I get for that essay? A HD :). Thank you, Gosty, for equipping me with such skills. I miss our ponies!

Madam Henri - Ma mere de francais! Tiny and adorable! She was the one teacher who taught me all through my high school years and we spent so many awesome times together with our French family. She was so supportive and I miss French so much. She's one of the teachers I go to see first whenever I visit my old high school.

[Dr] Crombie - Where do I even start with Crombie? I've done a post on him too but he was such a story and testimony, such an inspiration. He was taken too early but I know he's in a better place and that I'll see him in good time. Rest in Paradise, Crombie. I miss him. We miss him. You can read the post about Crombie here.

Of course there are many other teachers that have made me smile, laugh, cheered me up and encouraged me. Too many to list but I hope they know who and how great they are. Take a moment this week to appreciate your teachers. Be nice to them, be thankful and grateful for them. They just want you learn, grow and for you to do your best, even if sometimes they seem like the worst teachers. And sometimes they are (trust me - I've had my fair share of horrid teachers, some of which I haven't been the nicest too either) but they're people too and everyone has feelings. Just smile at them this week, maybe.

On a side note - Happy International Star Wars Day! May the Fourth be with you :P.

Direction

Have you ever felt directionless? I've been feeling quite directionless lately. Not just in regards to my future but to everything. I'm not quite sure why.

People have been asking me what I plan to do after my degree or what I can do with it and to be honest, I'm not quite sure. I know what I want to do, what I want to be, but not what I'm going to do or end up being. I see my friends who are at WAAPA and I can't help but feel really sad whenever I do. Jealousy is probably partly there somewhere in the mix but I mostly just feel sad and disappointed in myself that I'm not there; that I wasn't good enough. I'm still dancing, which is great, but it's not quite the same.

What can you do with an English degree? What can you do with an English and Creative Arts degree? Don't say teaching, that's so obvious. And like they say: those who can't do, teach. I want to be able to do because I know I can. I think I can? I just don't want to be a failure and disappointment to myself.

Mix in a huge dose of loneliness and you've got yourself an unhealthy serving of self-loathing and hatred. Why is life so hard? Why am I so bitter to myself? I don't want to be. I want to be happy with myself and who I am. To not have to worry about what size I am or what my face shape is or how smooth and even my complexion is or what people think of me. I just want to be content. I feel like a hypocrite sometimes. I want to help people but I can't even help myself?

I just don't know where to go or what to do.

I found this band yesterday. They're called Adventure Land and they're from Brisbane, Australia. They're an awesome band and they have this one song called The Eastern Sky that I've been listening to all day (I found it yesterday and I pretty much know all the lyrics to that song already). It's an amazing song with amazing lyrics but probably the lines (of many in the song) that gets to me is the part that goes "this couldn't hold you down, you know you're stronger than you think. So get yourself off the floor and grab hold of all your dreams".

I wish I had more faith and trust. But I realised that I don't trust easily. I don't forgive easily and I never forget either.

I wish I knew what I was doing. I wish I knew what God was doing with me.

LXD at TED

I love TED.
I love The LXD.
The LXD + TED = happiness, excitement, epicness, inspiration

Everyone should watch this and be awe-inspired. TED does some amazing things, watch a few of their other presenters and guest speakers doing their thang.

a Heap of mellow jello

It's waaaay past midnight (the time of publishing is 3:42am) and I've been in one of those mellow big-sigh moods. I was really in the mood to listen to something chill but not sleepy but, having a great amount of stuff on my iPod, I couldn't quite pinpoint what exactly I felt like listening to off the top of my head. So, scrolling through all the artists I have, I came across Imogen Heap. Bingo.

Imogen Heap is brilliant. I always respected her as an amazing musician and singer. She was interesting and different and unique but never have I really listened to her words until tonight. She is such a good songwriter, in my opinion. I'm a sucker for good lyrics and I get sad sometimes when a song has nice lyrics or a really good meaning but is paired with a terrible singer or melody. Some examples include: Firework by Katy Perry (I actually really like this song and it's fun to sing but I really do not like Katy Perry. Really, really. At all) and The Climb by Miley Cyrus (okay, so maybe I have some Miley songs on my iPod but she is annoyingly catchy. I like The Climb but not necessarily Miss Cyrus) among others. There are some things about lyrics that can really impact me, among which are these main things - how much the song relates to me at that moment, the message and the imagery used to convey it. Some of the imagery Imogen Heap uses is wonderful. While, at this present moment, the songs might not exactly relate to me, the imagery she has is incredible.



Half Life was my favourite song off Ellipse. At first it was because it sounded nice and the chorus painted an interesting picture for me:

It's a half life

With you as my quarterback

A daft life

I'm not American and I don't really know much about gridiron football but from what I understand, a quarterback is one of the most important roles in the team; the one that has most of the responisbilities and the one that handles (most, if not all) the touches (scores the points. Pretty much who the team relies on). This juxtaposition between an unfulfilled life and the role of the quarterback was interesting to me. It's almost like she's saying she can't depend on him but yet has no choice but to do so (or no willpower to do so, rather). On the flip side though, a quarterback also has to depend on his team to have his back. That, with the rest of the song, makes it seem like he might rely on her but not in the same way she relies on him. It paints a really unhealthy relationship to me. She depends on him, she idolises him (are quarterbacks not always portrayed as being the guy all the girls want and all the guys want to be? In movies at least) but yet she's obviously not recieving the same, or at least adequet, attention. Not right now but once upon a time, there was someone who pretty much recieved that much of my attention but I never recieved any of it back. Not in the way I wanted at least and that took up two years of my emotional life. In other words - I relate. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I just wanted to show you that I liked Half Life and why but until tonight, I didn't realise the amazingness (yes, it's a word now) that it possessed.

[Note: the song (to me) is pretty much what I said above. A girl who has feelings for someone but who doesn't exactly return them and she knows that they never will yet she still waits and tries.]

Be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then

the perfect heart's length away

"The perfect heart's length away". I love that image. It creates such a wonderful scene of wanting to be detached but yet not really being able to because your heart is still involved.

My self-worth measured in text back tempo

it's been two days eight minutes too slow

We are so dependent on technology. It's horrible. I should know. Trying to stay cool while waiting anxiously and uncertainly for that text or Facebook or chat reply, counting every single second it takes them to do so and over-analysing every single word, puncuation and emoticon used. We've all been there, we all know how it feels.

And now for my favourite lines in the whole song:

Will you ever slow down? Will I ever come first?

The universe contracts to sigh.

Wow. I can actually just picture her getting left behind as he continues on with his life, oblivious to what he's doing to her, oblivious to all her attempts at getting to him and everyone else watching on. "The universe contracts to a sigh" is my favouritest line. Contracts. What a word; what a movement. It's like a seizure, a collapse. But less severe, less important. She doesn't matter; what's one girl's sad love life to the universe? And the way Imogen Heap sings that line. It's a breath, literally a sigh. It sounds so defeated and accepted. She knows she's fighting a loosing battle with that relationship but yet she can't give up.

The song is gorgeous and while I said I didn't want to listen to a mellow-sleepy song, once you start listening to Imogen Heap, you can't stop.

Some other images and lines I found that really impacted me in some of her other songs include:

"You say, "too late to start, got your heart in a headlock" - Headlock. A headlock. The age-old battle between your heart and your head but without saying it.

"The dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet" - Hide and Seek. I don't know why but I like it. And I love this song too, not that Jason Derulo abomination. Sigh.

"The urge to feel your face and blood rushing to paint my handprint" - First Train Home. "Blood rushing to paint my handprint" is just amazing. Blood and handprints. Things that last in one way or another. And also just a great way to say that she's blushing and excited at the thought of seeing him and returning home.

"Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed" - Wait It Out. I'm not even going to touch this wonderful image with an analysis. Fun fact: Imogen Heap performed this song at the 2009 TED conference.

Another fun fact: Imogen Heap is now recording her fourth studio album with the help of her fans in a fan-collaboration project. I think that is mighty cool and a great way to show your appreciation for your fans :). Go to her official website http://www.imogenheap.com/ for more information.