Walk Away

Here I stand.

With my heart and everything that I am

In my hands.

In front of you,

Bare.

Shadows and scars for you to judge. And I’ll just leave it all

At your feet, all that’s left of me.

A bag of bones and an aching heart,

And I’ll leave that too because what use is it to me now.

And I’ll walk away, walk away.        

With nothing left of me

I’ll walk away, walk away now and I won’t

Look back at what I used to be.

What you have of me.

You have all of me.

I won’t call, won’t ask how you’re doing.

And I hope you won’t too.

Because I already know if you do,

I won’t lie like I used to.

You have all of me now. I won’t ask for it back.

I’ll just pray that you’ll be gentle with it as I walk away.

I'll just pray that you'll know how sorry I am as I walk away.

I’ll walk away, leave you be, and I’ll try not to look back.

Clearing and boxing up my room is good. Purging the crap in my room is like getting rid of the shit in my life. How symbolic.

Just leaving, on the other hand, is more blantant and blunt.

And I'm doing both.

Doing What You Love

Tonight was the Stu Larsen: Ryeford gig. It was organised by Hopeful Productions and I volunteer with them.

I got asked a couple of times tonight if I worked for Hopeful Productions to which I replied with no, I was just volunteering. Later on, I was talking to one half of one of the support acts (see Alex and Ross Conradie) and I, again, got asked if I worked for Hopeful Productions. I said no and mentioned how the things I do for free are the things I love doing and the things I get paid to do are the things I find meh.

Examples: Graphic design work for Skye and volunteering for Hopeful. Previously, all the design work I'd done for Skye had been free of charge and I had absolutely no problem with that (only this year did she pay me for the work I did for PLC, after she'd left WBC). I was totally fine with working on the designs instead of studying for my exams and only getting a boquet of flowers in return (if even). My sister asked me how I liked what I did for Hopeful and honestly, I love it. I really, really enjoy helping them and it doesn't matter that I do it for free. I could not care less about that.

I think part of the reason that I like doing what I mentioned above is because I'm helping them. I realised a long time ago that I just want to help people. I want to intern at To Write Love On Her Arms because I want to help people when they most need someone, I want to be able to give them the support and comfort that I never got. I want to go on mission trips and help those in need. I remember when the Haiti earthquakes happened, all I wanted to do was go over and help. They showed all those images of those poor children who had been abandoned (not just specifically with the Haiti earthquakes but anything - Hurricane Katrina, Japan and New Zealand earthquakes) and all I can think of is how those poor children shouldn't have to be in that position. They're children and they shouldn't have to go through that. I just wanted to help them and hug them. But I digress majorly. My brain isn't functioning properly right now.

Find me a job where I can help others and I will be happy with it. That's what I love doing - helping others. Whether it's just being there when someone needs somebody to listen or helping run an event or going over choreography with someone; I just want to give to the community. It's not even a "give back" to the community, it's just a give. I don't want to do something in return, I just want to do something. Change the world, make it better.

I'm so sorry if this post makes zilch sense (I'm reading it back and it makes hardly any sense to me), I've just been thinking about it since I said it and I had to get it off my chest. I have gotten little to no sleep in the last few days (try 2 and 4am on consecutive nights and it's also currently 2:30am), I guess I'm back to being a partial insomniac again.

Bottom line: I want to help people. I am happy when I help people. I want to make others happy by helping them. I feel useful and worthy when I help people. I feel like I'm making a difference, even if it's just a small one. I want to change the world and make it better place for others.

Please check out Hopeful Productions at http://hopefulproductions.tumblr.com/ and support them.

Thanks and goodnight.

It has finally hit me...

So today on the way back from my pre-departure session, I cried for the first time about going on exchange. Talking to people and discussing going away and what we're expecting and excited/afraid of just made everything more real. And then I was listening to Ben Folds as I was driving back and Still Fighting It came on and everything was fine until the part that goes "one day you'll fly away from me" and boom, turn on the waterworks.

This is the first time I'll be away from my family and, besides from one week last month, the first time I'll be living by myself. And I'm going away for a year. Yeah, you can bet I'm scared.

I hadn't cried about going away until today. Everything just became so heightened and it finally dawned on me that I was leaving my parents for the first time. For one whole year.

Time for me to grow up. Wish me all the best.

I Heart My Old Teachers

So apparently this week is Teacher Appreciation Week and in honor of Teacher Appreciation Week, I just wanted to give a shout out to some of the most awesome teachers I've had (I know I've already done a post like this but let's just have another run through of the list seeing as it fits the week).

Skye (Miss Hegarty) - Oh Skye, what would I have done without Skye? She was one of the best teachers I have ever had. Inspiring, encouraging, understanding and more like a big sister than a teacher. She brought a group of girls who had hardly talked to each other (some of us barely liked each other) before year 12 together and now we're this little dance family unit. Granted, I haven't seen a lot of the girls in a long time but without her, we would not even have talked. Now I love my dance family and I miss dancing with them so much. I could go on and on about Skye but it would take forever. She is amazing.

Mr Altraide - My school dad! He always managed to make me smile and laugh every day and he was so committed to helping his students do their best, even if that included sacrificing his free time to tutor us, spending money on providing food and drink for us during tutoring sessions, getting maccas for his mentorees and just always supporting us. I remember once when I was so stressed about WAAPA and I went to talk to him (because he was my mentor) and he was so cute about it. He was so awkward because I'd started crying and he was trying to calm me down with tissues, food and advice. And he was all, "can I pray for you? Trust God. It's okay". So sweet. Not to mention the NUMEROUS times I bitched to him about how much I hated physics and was so bad at it. He was my physics teacher. Now I kind of miss doing physics. Haha.

Mrs Gostelow - Brilliance. I probably would not be doing half of what I'm doing at uni or doing it as well as I am (I got a HD+ for an essay in a unit that I hate and hardly put any work in). I loved my lit classes with her and my lit family. Eating cake and biscuits and drinking tea while talking about poetry and plays and novels was pretty much the best. Studying lit at uni just isn't the same when I don't have my lit family with me. Probably one of the best things happened after I'd graduated. I took an Intro to Lit unit last year and when our first essay came around, my tutor told us to forget about everything we learned in high school because it wasn't right for uni or something (I don't quite remember right now). Anyway, for our second essay I decided to do the question on poetry (TS Eliot's 'The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock'). Pretty much all of the notes I had was from when I'd studied 'Prufrock' in year 12. So basically everything for that essay was stuff from year 12 (I didn't really change the style in which I wrote my essays and my notes were as I mentioned earlier) and what did I get for that essay? A HD :). Thank you, Gosty, for equipping me with such skills. I miss our ponies!

Madam Henri - Ma mere de francais! Tiny and adorable! She was the one teacher who taught me all through my high school years and we spent so many awesome times together with our French family. She was so supportive and I miss French so much. She's one of the teachers I go to see first whenever I visit my old high school.

[Dr] Crombie - Where do I even start with Crombie? I've done a post on him too but he was such a story and testimony, such an inspiration. He was taken too early but I know he's in a better place and that I'll see him in good time. Rest in Paradise, Crombie. I miss him. We miss him. You can read the post about Crombie here.

Of course there are many other teachers that have made me smile, laugh, cheered me up and encouraged me. Too many to list but I hope they know who and how great they are. Take a moment this week to appreciate your teachers. Be nice to them, be thankful and grateful for them. They just want you learn, grow and for you to do your best, even if sometimes they seem like the worst teachers. And sometimes they are (trust me - I've had my fair share of horrid teachers, some of which I haven't been the nicest too either) but they're people too and everyone has feelings. Just smile at them this week, maybe.

On a side note - Happy International Star Wars Day! May the Fourth be with you :P.

Direction

Have you ever felt directionless? I've been feeling quite directionless lately. Not just in regards to my future but to everything. I'm not quite sure why.

People have been asking me what I plan to do after my degree or what I can do with it and to be honest, I'm not quite sure. I know what I want to do, what I want to be, but not what I'm going to do or end up being. I see my friends who are at WAAPA and I can't help but feel really sad whenever I do. Jealousy is probably partly there somewhere in the mix but I mostly just feel sad and disappointed in myself that I'm not there; that I wasn't good enough. I'm still dancing, which is great, but it's not quite the same.

What can you do with an English degree? What can you do with an English and Creative Arts degree? Don't say teaching, that's so obvious. And like they say: those who can't do, teach. I want to be able to do because I know I can. I think I can? I just don't want to be a failure and disappointment to myself.

Mix in a huge dose of loneliness and you've got yourself an unhealthy serving of self-loathing and hatred. Why is life so hard? Why am I so bitter to myself? I don't want to be. I want to be happy with myself and who I am. To not have to worry about what size I am or what my face shape is or how smooth and even my complexion is or what people think of me. I just want to be content. I feel like a hypocrite sometimes. I want to help people but I can't even help myself?

I just don't know where to go or what to do.

I found this band yesterday. They're called Adventure Land and they're from Brisbane, Australia. They're an awesome band and they have this one song called The Eastern Sky that I've been listening to all day (I found it yesterday and I pretty much know all the lyrics to that song already). It's an amazing song with amazing lyrics but probably the lines (of many in the song) that gets to me is the part that goes "this couldn't hold you down, you know you're stronger than you think. So get yourself off the floor and grab hold of all your dreams".

I wish I had more faith and trust. But I realised that I don't trust easily. I don't forgive easily and I never forget either.

I wish I knew what I was doing. I wish I knew what God was doing with me.

a Heap of mellow jello

It's waaaay past midnight (the time of publishing is 3:42am) and I've been in one of those mellow big-sigh moods. I was really in the mood to listen to something chill but not sleepy but, having a great amount of stuff on my iPod, I couldn't quite pinpoint what exactly I felt like listening to off the top of my head. So, scrolling through all the artists I have, I came across Imogen Heap. Bingo.

Imogen Heap is brilliant. I always respected her as an amazing musician and singer. She was interesting and different and unique but never have I really listened to her words until tonight. She is such a good songwriter, in my opinion. I'm a sucker for good lyrics and I get sad sometimes when a song has nice lyrics or a really good meaning but is paired with a terrible singer or melody. Some examples include: Firework by Katy Perry (I actually really like this song and it's fun to sing but I really do not like Katy Perry. Really, really. At all) and The Climb by Miley Cyrus (okay, so maybe I have some Miley songs on my iPod but she is annoyingly catchy. I like The Climb but not necessarily Miss Cyrus) among others. There are some things about lyrics that can really impact me, among which are these main things - how much the song relates to me at that moment, the message and the imagery used to convey it. Some of the imagery Imogen Heap uses is wonderful. While, at this present moment, the songs might not exactly relate to me, the imagery she has is incredible.



Half Life was my favourite song off Ellipse. At first it was because it sounded nice and the chorus painted an interesting picture for me:

It's a half life

With you as my quarterback

A daft life

I'm not American and I don't really know much about gridiron football but from what I understand, a quarterback is one of the most important roles in the team; the one that has most of the responisbilities and the one that handles (most, if not all) the touches (scores the points. Pretty much who the team relies on). This juxtaposition between an unfulfilled life and the role of the quarterback was interesting to me. It's almost like she's saying she can't depend on him but yet has no choice but to do so (or no willpower to do so, rather). On the flip side though, a quarterback also has to depend on his team to have his back. That, with the rest of the song, makes it seem like he might rely on her but not in the same way she relies on him. It paints a really unhealthy relationship to me. She depends on him, she idolises him (are quarterbacks not always portrayed as being the guy all the girls want and all the guys want to be? In movies at least) but yet she's obviously not recieving the same, or at least adequet, attention. Not right now but once upon a time, there was someone who pretty much recieved that much of my attention but I never recieved any of it back. Not in the way I wanted at least and that took up two years of my emotional life. In other words - I relate. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I just wanted to show you that I liked Half Life and why but until tonight, I didn't realise the amazingness (yes, it's a word now) that it possessed.

[Note: the song (to me) is pretty much what I said above. A girl who has feelings for someone but who doesn't exactly return them and she knows that they never will yet she still waits and tries.]

Be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then

the perfect heart's length away

"The perfect heart's length away". I love that image. It creates such a wonderful scene of wanting to be detached but yet not really being able to because your heart is still involved.

My self-worth measured in text back tempo

it's been two days eight minutes too slow

We are so dependent on technology. It's horrible. I should know. Trying to stay cool while waiting anxiously and uncertainly for that text or Facebook or chat reply, counting every single second it takes them to do so and over-analysing every single word, puncuation and emoticon used. We've all been there, we all know how it feels.

And now for my favourite lines in the whole song:

Will you ever slow down? Will I ever come first?

The universe contracts to sigh.

Wow. I can actually just picture her getting left behind as he continues on with his life, oblivious to what he's doing to her, oblivious to all her attempts at getting to him and everyone else watching on. "The universe contracts to a sigh" is my favouritest line. Contracts. What a word; what a movement. It's like a seizure, a collapse. But less severe, less important. She doesn't matter; what's one girl's sad love life to the universe? And the way Imogen Heap sings that line. It's a breath, literally a sigh. It sounds so defeated and accepted. She knows she's fighting a loosing battle with that relationship but yet she can't give up.

The song is gorgeous and while I said I didn't want to listen to a mellow-sleepy song, once you start listening to Imogen Heap, you can't stop.

Some other images and lines I found that really impacted me in some of her other songs include:

"You say, "too late to start, got your heart in a headlock" - Headlock. A headlock. The age-old battle between your heart and your head but without saying it.

"The dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet" - Hide and Seek. I don't know why but I like it. And I love this song too, not that Jason Derulo abomination. Sigh.

"The urge to feel your face and blood rushing to paint my handprint" - First Train Home. "Blood rushing to paint my handprint" is just amazing. Blood and handprints. Things that last in one way or another. And also just a great way to say that she's blushing and excited at the thought of seeing him and returning home.

"Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed" - Wait It Out. I'm not even going to touch this wonderful image with an analysis. Fun fact: Imogen Heap performed this song at the 2009 TED conference.

Another fun fact: Imogen Heap is now recording her fourth studio album with the help of her fans in a fan-collaboration project. I think that is mighty cool and a great way to show your appreciation for your fans :). Go to her official website http://www.imogenheap.com/ for more information.

Friend Detox

I haven't blogged in a while.
I also haven't cried in a while.

[Just a warning and a sorry in advance - this is going a be a personal, emotional ramble. Good luck if you continue on.]

I feel like a need to cry but I can't.
I'm hating life right now and some friends too. For no apparent reason that I can think of.
I feel like just going on a friend detox. No contact with anyone, no texting, no calling, no Facebooking.

This is something that's been weighing down on me lately and I'm not one to talk about how I'm feeling so this is actually really hard for me.

Maybe I'm just being absolutely stupid but lately I've been having issues discerning if I have any "proper" friends (whatever that may mean). A while ago I sort of unofficially stopped being friends with one of my (I thought) best friends. A look back on our friendship made me realise that I was always the one initiating our communication. I was always the one who would suggest and organise that we catch up, I was always the one asking her to come along to places with me, I was the one who called her when I needed someone to talk to. I got so tired of always putting in the work to keep our friendship going that I eventually decided to stop. There were other reasons but I'm not going to talk about that; this was one of the major reasons that effected not only my friendship with this girl but also my relationship with other people. I realised that I was always the one who was making all the effort to catch up, stay in touch, keep the friendship going. I was always the one hanging on so tightly.

So I just decided to let go. And we haven't talked since unless circumstances have forced us to.

It was actually good for a while too. I just stopped caring and stopped talking to people unless they talked to me. I wasn't worried or upset when I wasn't invited to a certain thing or I wasn't included. I mean, I don't really blame people for not inviting me to some things because I'm a homebody. I don't really like going out clubbing or partying or drinking all the time. So I just stopped caring and stopped making the effort. I stopped hoping for a certain situation or outcome so I stopped being disappointed. I think I need to do that again.

A friend people detox is what I need.

Maybe I'm needy, insecure, am too loyal to friends and expect too much and I have issues but having friends who I can't talk to, no matter how hard I want to, isn't helping. My friends can say that I can talk to them, but can I really? I just feel like I'm bothering them. I feel like I can't talk to anybody and I feel like I don't have anyone. I know what some of them will say.

One of them will call my silly, give me a huge hug, tell me she loves me, reassures me that I can always talk to her. And I'm grateful because lately she's been the only person I could really call a friend, you know? For some strange reason though, I just can't talk to her about how I feel about things. I might be able to talk about some things but not all. And the things that I do talk about just seem so stupid and inane when said out loud. Although, she is possibly the only one who when I'm with, I don't feel like I'm being judged.

Another one will laugh it off, tell me that I'm being silly and that she's my friend but when it comes to her, I can't tell if she's pretending or being genuine. That is if I do tell her things like this which I don't. Sometimes I feel like she just humours me and spends time with me because we've known each other since high school and we have to see each other every week at uni.

Someone else that I know told me that he considered me one of his best friends. Doesn't seem that way anymore. I haven't talked to him in the longest time and when we do (hardly) talk, it's like we have nothing to talk about anymore.

Is it horrible of me to want to go on my uni exchange program so badly so that I can get away from everyone here and try again somewhere else? Even if it's just for a year. Sometimes I feel like I want to die just so I can see who really cared.

I also realised something the other day - I push people away a lot. Especially guys. I don't really have much to say about that except for that I don't know why. I really don't.

I'm going to stop caring. I'm going to be this hardened being who doesn't give a shit about what people are doing with or without her. I'm going to stop feeling that little bit rejected and guilty when I see the people I know I've pushed away.

We'll see how long it lasts.

Home is where the heart is and my heart is not here.

I love and miss my family but Singapore is most definitely not my home anymore. I don't think it ever was. I've only been here for a couple of days but I already miss Perth and my friends and my Perth family and my bed and my church and my car and my ballet class (even though it's over for the year).

I can't wait to get home; my friend needs me and I want to be able to help her and calm her down but for now, Facebook messaging will have to suffice.

I missed my church's Christmas carol service. That made me really sad; I really enjoy them and I actually hate Christmas carols (barring maybe one or two). I think it's the people I spend it with and the whole atmosphere and vibe of the event.

My cousin's wedding was on last Sunday and it was really great. It was really relaxed and it was just so great to be able to spend time with my family, especially my cousins. I get on along with all of them A LOT more than I used to; I think it's because I'm older now and I've started spending more time with them whenever I come back (we have gatherings all the time). I was the youngest of the whole group for the longest time (there's another younger one now but she's like, 5, then there's me who's 18 and the rest are above 20) so there was a rather large age gap but now I'm older so it's not as bad or awkward. My cousin's wedding dinner was wild :D. There was dancing, singing, photo-taking, mantou eating, teasing, (a little bit of) drinking, cheering and it was only all from us. As Chris said, ''you know when you go to a wedding and there's that really obnoxious table? I think we're that table tonight." :D But congratulations to Hui Hui and David though!

Expect more of these innane life/day update blog posts now that I'm in Singapore for the next four weeks. I get bored so I blog but I have nothing to blog about so I blog about what I do. Even I get a bit lame about them but I need to have something to do. Sorry in advance.

"...and like I can't force the sun to rise
or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart.

I'll be waiting for you baby,
I'll be holding back the darknest night.
Love is waiting till we're ready, til it's right."

I don't think I need to say much about it :).

Look A Likes

I freeze. The hand holding my cookie is halfway to my mouth and I’m hungry but I cannot move. I cannot blink, I cannot breathe. Standing in my line of vision is one of the best looking men I have ever seen. He reminds me of someone; someone I don’t want to think about but yet cannot avoid doing so because he looks just like him.

Him who broke my heart without trying. Him who was amazing and everything I wanted. Until now. A new start, a fresh break. The hair, the mannerisms, the eyes, the nose; a doppelganger but not. This one is older, more mature, experienced, different (at least I hope so). Not him. Him who I still see, still talk to, still smile with. Stop thinking about him.

I see him in my lectures sometimes, sitting there and I’m tempted to sit next to him but no. We’ve been down that road before; we don’t want to push anything. But he’s gorgeous and he just smiled and I think I’m dead. I’m brought back down to Earth by a friend’s distracting buzzing in my ear but with only half of my listening attention lingering on her and all of my visual attention focused on him. He puts on his reading glasses and oh my god I really am dead now. I don’t care about the stupid smile on my face or the fact that my friend knows I’m not listening anymore. All I can see is him who isn’t him.

I see him everywhere. Lecture halls, food hall, library, grass field and wait, what – church?

I most definitely just died and went to Heaven. He is not him and he is now everything that I want. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t play an instrument or doesn’t listen to the same music or if he might not read books (although I know he does – thank you literature lecture). He goes to church.

No, I don’t like him. Not yet. Or at least I tell myself. I just have to know him.

I think I’m going to explode.
________________________________________________________________

Just a short fluffy piece I did in like, 20 minutes because I felt like writing and (I know it's not the greatest piece [coughunderstatementcough] but) I was bored.
Yeah, I blog when I'm bored.

Things I'd Rather Be Doing

Things I'd rather be doing than going uni:

1. Dance
2. Musical Theatre
3. Make Up
4. Reading
5. Writing
6. Singing
7. Designing
8. Dance
9. Drinking coffee
10. Dance
11. Reading
12. Performing
13. Musical Theatre
14. Learning the piano again
15. Dance
16. Singing
17. Make Up
18. Learning the guitar
19. Dance
20. Travelling
21. Musical Theatre
22. Singing
23. Dance

...

I think you get the picture.

I know I'm on holidays at the moment but I was talking to some friends last night about uni and doing what you love versus doing what to need to to survive and it just got me thinking (again) about my future and where I'm going to go with an English degree. Sigh.

Also, I went to my old high school's annual Choreography Night last night and it was a fantastic show. Skye (the head of dance and my dance mummy; I love her) has just done an absolutely amazing job. I was also reunited with my beautiful dance family who I have been separated from for faaaaaaaar too long. I miss dancing and spending time with them. I love you all!

Anyway, I'm itching to write something again but I haven't really had much inspiration lately. I'll start to write something but then decide after the first paragraph that I don't like it and stop. Boo.

Dezatron dismantled

I'm not as tough as everyone thinks.

One of my nicknames might be inspired by Transformers but I am far from anything the Autobots represent. Not bravery, courage, selflessness... maybe loyalty but that's about it.

I am not strong and I am not brave. I am weak in so many ways and I am scared of so many things. I'm not strong mentally and most definitely not emotionally. I let myself get dependant and lost in people too easily and the really sad part is that I know it. Is it really hypocritical of me to know all of this and yet not seem to be able to do anything about it? Sometimes I do feel like a hypocrite; I'm not sure if that's the right word to use. It's like, I know all this about myself but still I don't (or can't) do anything about it.

I tried once. I got so tired of always being the one to make the effort so I just gave up. I stopped arranging things with people, I stopped texting and calling people unless I really needed to, I stopped asking people for things, I tried to stop depending on people so much. And I pulled it off for a while. I suppose I still am trying although I have lightened up a bit on the "shunning" people part. I feel like I'm burdening people when I talk to them about what I'm going through so I just keep quite.

Anyone who knows me really well knows that I'm not one to just start talking about how I feel. It is extremely hard for me to talk about how I feel and what I'm going through which is why I tend to be very quite often. Heck, I can't even type about how I feel and have people read it - I have whole other blogs for that that no one reads. So it all just stays inside until suddenly the dam breaks and the water[works] just come flying out. And it always seems to happen at the most inconvenient of times in the most inconvenient of places.

It really doesn't help with how I handle things though. My friend once compared me to an egg. Hard on the outside, soft on the inside and when the shell cracks, everything just explodes and falls to pieces. It was extremely apt.

I suffered my first breakdown when I was 12. I don't know why or what caused it except that I was incredibly sad and depressed and that lead me to almost do some pretty dangerous stuff. And now you know something about me that most people don't. Since then, my emotions have been a very turbulent issue that I've had to deal with over the last six years. They can fluctuate with the help of anything - school, work, TV shows, music, relationships, friendships, boys, movies, books or just for no reason in particular.

Right, so back to the original point: I let my emotions control me a lot. This is a bad thing since my emotions are so unstable; and I don't just swap between happy and sad. Depressed, angry, hyper, bored and a whole spectrum of other moods and emotions come into play as well and they can change within a wink. So yes, my mood swings are dangerous.

People say feeling is part of being human but if so, I don't like to be human then. What separates humans from robots? Is it the ability to breathe or think independently? Some say it's the ability to feel, to have a heart and experience emotions. Well, if that's what separates us from them, then sometimes I wish I was a robot.

A robot who doesn't go through emotions and who doesn't possess the ability to feel scared.

Maybe then I won't be such a coward.

I'm scared of a lot of things - insects and bugs, clowns, relationships, forever being alone, growing fat, the future, being alone in a crowded room, talking about how I feel, having no money, never being happy, new experiences... the list goes on.

I am not brave or confidant. I actually cannot talk to new people (except maybe when I'm intoxicated) which means I cannot just talk to someone who I think is gorgeous (so all my friends can now stop telling me to "just go up and talk to him", thanks). I am a coward and it has left me in this rut. I will not go into an in depth post about said "him" because it is long and complicated and tiring. You can try to search out my other blog or ask me about it if you really want to know about it, although I may not tell you if you ask me.

Anyway, I am too scared and uncertain to talk to him; I am too scared and uncertain to face my problems; I'm too scared and uncertain to burden other people; I'm too scared and uncertain to let go.

What I am not uncertain about, though, is my loyalty to my friends. Sometimes I think I am too loyal and that leads me to getting hurt and disappointed a lot. The hurt and disappointment feeds into my emotional oscillating waves and so begins the horrid cycle of my emotional state. One big, vile circle of emotional turmoil.

I used to be pretty good at hiding it. I suppose that if I tried, I still would be but it's just that I'm too tired to do it now. It takes too much effort to smile and not look exhausted and burnt out, too much effort to try to hide the watery eyes, red nose, shaking hands. It's a build up of numerous factors - stress, school, work, lack of sleep, friends, boy, dance...

All it takes is just one person to unravel it. The worst part? They don't know that they're doing it. The even worst part? I only have myself to blame.

So here I am - Dezatron dismantled. Like a Transformer, I can be hard and [not so] shiny on the outside but when they transform, you see what's really inside. Except, instead of a fighter who's ready to defend the world, all you see is a scared and weak little girl. The egg has cracked again.

The BBC believes most people would have read only 6 out of 100 of these books listed

So I know this is a Facebook thing but I'm not one of those people who posts notes. Still, it's interesting and I wanted to see how I ranked so I decided to put this here.

Instructions: Copy this into your NOTES. Bold those books you've read in their entirety, italicize the ones you started but didn't finish or read an excerpt. Tag other book nerds.

1 Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series – JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee

6 The Bible

7 Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens

11 Little Women – Louisa M Alcott [abridged version]

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 – Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare

15 Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks

18 Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveller’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch – George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald

23 Bleak House – Charles Dickens

24 War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams

26 Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll [abridged version]

30 The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis

34 Emma – Jane Austen

35 Persuasion – Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis

37 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Berniere

39 Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne

41 Animal Farm – George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving

45 The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy

48 The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding

50 Atonement – Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi – Yann Martel

52 Dune – Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth

56 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World – Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck

62 Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History – Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road – Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens

72 Dracula – Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses – James Joyce
[I've read The Odyssey by Homer, does that count since it's sort of in it?]

76 The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath

77 Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal – Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession – AS Byatt

81 A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple – Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web – EB White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery

93 The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks

94 Watership Down – Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas [abridged version]

98 Hamlet – William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

----------------

10 bold, 9 italics.

I am actually really ashamed of myself.

Don't do drunk blogs.

Note to self: Don't ever blog when angry and drunk.

I saw The Social Network last night and it was really interesting. I'm sure you probably know what it is but if you don't, it's about Facebook and follows the events surrounding its invention and the legal and social issues that its creator, Mark Zuckerberg, faced. This is by no means a review, I just wanted to post something up. This isn't really a spoiler but if you don't like knowing about a movie at all before you've watch it, don't read on.

The movie begins with Zuckerberg's girlfriend breaking up with him and as a result, he goes back to his dorm, angry and begins to blog on is Livejournal (ancient, I know :P), all the while downing beer. Not only is be drunk blogging but he's also programming Facemash, an online hotness voting website that allowed students from Harvard to rate the female Harvard students against each other. All in one night. Incredible. I was really impressed with that (nerd, much? I revel in my geekiness though).

The Social Network was really interesting (although I question how much of it was actually true), especially if you're a Facebook user. And even if you're not a Facebook user, it's still cool to see how it developed and just how talented a programmer Mark Zuckerberg is.

Since we're [kinda] on the topic of drunk blogs, this pretty ladeh is hilarious and this is her drunk blog post. Lolness ahead of you if you read it. Now go!

On a side note, I watched The Loved Ones tonight. It's this Australian horror-ish movie (I'm actually not sure what to classify it under) and I think it's the scariest movie I've ever paid money for to watch. I don't do scary movies. Ever. Ever, ever, ever! I went to watch it because it looked kind of interesting but mostly because Xavier Samuel was in it. I know, I know, silly. But he's so cute (even with long hair. I had to get used to that). Unfortunately, that didn't detract from the horrificness (that is now a word) of his torture. But you should go watch and support the Australian film industry!

Right, back to the point of this random drabble post.
Moral of the story is: never blog when you're drunk and angry.

Why do I bother with a blog when I'm pretty sure no one actually reads it?
Hmmmmmmm.

I just finished a story today (for an assignment). I guess I'll put it up soon.

Making Lists

I have decided that I'm going to [try to] start/do a bunch of things next year:

1) Get a job
- So I was supposed to get a job this year but uni started and I'm not the best at time management. I got really stressed during first semester whenever assignments and exams rolled around and couldn't really handle it. If I couldn't even handle that, how was I suppose to juggle that and a job? So I didn't get one in first semester.

Then I was supposed to get a job during the semester break but I went away for almost a month...

I actually started looking for jobs when uni started again in semester 2 but all that was available were full or part time positions or managerial positions when I needed a casual position. I suppose I'm a little bit fussy too...but just quietly :P. So anyway, I'm going to get a job next year when I get back from Singapore because I a) need the money and b) actually sort of miss working and c) need to stop mooching off people :P.

2) STOP PROCRASTINATING
- This is an important one. A very important one. Less procrastination = less unnecessary assignment cramming the night before = less stress = happier Des = better world!

3) Work harder
- I say this every year but next year I really do want to at least -try- to work harder. And I also know I say that every year too. Next year is quite important that I do try to work harder though. I'm off to America in the second half of next year for uni exchange but in order to go to the college that I've put as my first preference, I need a better GPA (grade point average). I could swap my preferences around and be dandy with the grades I currently have but I really do want to go Binghampton (mainly because it's the closest school to NYC :D) which means I need a better grade. Boo :(.

4) Be healthier
- This is also important and involves a number of things.

Firstly, I want to be getting more exercise so that means on top of doing ballet, I want to start running (we have a treadmill at home), take walks around my neighbourhood, go to Zumba (I'm dying to go to a class!).

Secondly, I want to be eating better. More veggies, more fruits, less sugar and unncessary carbs, less snacking. Things like that.

And thirdly, I want to be more flexible! Being flexible doesn't always mean you're healthy but under my other catagories for "being healthier", it kind of fits. I used to be uber flexible in year 12 because I was dancing everyday and I stretched because I was aiming for things (super flat splits, penches, higher arabesque, good strong lines, etc) but this year it just kind of died. Not that I'm not aiming for splits or high arabesques because I really am, it's just that I didn't have time to do a full stretch routine that I need to get my further and my muscles kind of shrank I suppose. It sucks. I want to be flexible again :(.

5) Help out more
- So most people don't know this about me but I really like helping people. Volunteering and doing community work actually makes me happy (when I'm not being forced to do it) and I feel good helping people. Even if it's tutoring a friend in something, helping out backstage, doing make up for friends for free, talking to a friend about an issue or problem and helping them through it - it just makes me feel good and happy and I feel like I need to do this more.

To Write Love On Her Arms holds internships for people over the age of 18 and I really want to go. It's a bit of a story to why I support TWLOHA so much but they're an overall amazing organisation and it would be such a priviledge to be able to intern with them, learn and help people.

6) Smile more
- Try to be happier in general, really.

7) Make lists!
- I was inspired by this to make lists. I think it's cute and a good way to keep track of the things I've been thinking, especially if I'm going to be in America by myself next year.

There are probably way more things to do but that's all I can think of right now. This was just supposed to be a quick post about nothing. Now I'm off to take a shower :).

I Loved School

And by school I mean high school. Not uni. Uni's okay. It's only ever okay. But more about that another time maybe, I want to talk about my old high school!

I haven't talked about myself on this blog (it did start out as a place for me to just post my creative writing pieces) but my mind can't stop running (unfortunately for me...) and my itching fingers can't stop typing (unfortunately for you...) so today we're going to take a little trip down memory lane.

I went back to Winthrop today for their open day. My parents were running a stall and I went along to visit and hang out. I would've gone anyway even if they weren't helping out. Going back was fun, I got to see all my old high school teachers and some of my friends which was really good because I haven't seen some of them in a while.

First up, I went to visit my dance mummy, Skye. She was one of the most supportive people in my high school life and she's still there for me. I love her to bits. Dance has been such a lighthouse in my life, especially in high school where I really needed something solid to hang on to. In dance, I found my heart and passion, I found my family and I found a reason to wake up every day. It didn't matter that Skye only taught me for one year, what mattered was the impact she made and still does make on me. She showed me the sort of dancer I could be and she brought the other dance girls and I together as a family. Never did I think that I would be such good friends with the girls I had dance with but by the end of year 12 we were such a close knit bunch. We had come from such different social groups but through dance we created our own little family and world. She just invests so much time and effort into us and our talents.

Skye has inspired me so much (oh gosh, I'm tearing up...) and I can honestly say that I would not be the person I am today if I hadn't had met her. She encouraged me and supported me and loved me and laughed with me and cried with me and understood me. I wouldn't have given WAAPA a shot if she hadn't encouraged me, that's for sure. I'm not even sure if I would still be dancing if she hadn't inspired me. Year 11 dance had been awful. She had had a tough job when she took over. I remember thinking that no matter how much I enjoyed dance, if we had another terrible teacher, I would drop the subject. I'm so grateful that she came along to pick the pieces of our once fairly strong dance department up and weld it back together like new. She's an amazing and talented person with such a big heart.

Before I found Skye though, I ran into Madam Henri. Now, Madam has pretty much seen me grow up through high school. She's the only teacher who has taught me every single year of high school. Madam Henri is my original school mummy. She was my French teacher. She's so cute and I also love her to little itty bitty bits. Our French class was also very close. Wellllllll for me at least but that's something that I won't get into. By the time we got to year 12, there was only five of us and I got along very well with everyone (except one person which I will also not go into).

Madam is adorable. She is small, has big eyes, the LONGEST lashes, the curliest hair and is just the cutest. She probably won't like me saying that about her but I think she is. Teaching me for five years straight is an accomplishment. No other teacher has done that and as a result, we have grown very close. That and the small group of people we had in our class all contributed to the really supportive atmosphere our class had. I love her so much.

I also had to go looking for my school dad, Mr Altraide. Mr Altraide is one of the best teachers you will ever have and if he's ever taught you, you'll agree with me. He is a fantastic teacher and such a supportive one too. Most teachers just teach you what the syllabus says but Mr Altraide does that and so much more. He invests so much time and effort into helping his students and making school an enjoyable learning place for them. I have first hand experience with this. I did physics in high school and when I started in year 11, I absolutely hated it. I was pretty much failing it and no matter how much I complained and cried and whined about how much I disliked it, Mr Altraide's support and help didn't falter one bit. He would help me as best as he could, explaining the same things over and over again and telling me that it was okay if I didn't pass, I could always try again next time.

Year 12 was no different (although my hatred of physics wasn't as strong). I would be almost in tears telling him how stressed I was because I didn't understand it and I didn't want to be doing it but yet, he never told me to just drop it. He would come over and give me tutoring, stay back at school and give me tutoring, give up his lunch time to give me tutoring, always be on call if I needed help, he would pray for me when I did and didn't need it and so much more. All for free.

(On a side note - I don't know why I kept with physics. Now that I've gone through it though, I don't regret it. It's actually so helpful especially with dance.)

Mr Altraide was also my school dad because he was my year 12 mentor. At Winthrop, when you're in year 12, some of the teachers pick a number of students to be mentors for so that all the students have one. They just basically watch over you in the stress hole that is year 12. They were more than just teachers and mentors though, they were friends. I'll always remember walking into his science lab whenever (lunch time, after school, school holidays) for a chat or single or group tutoring and him always being ready with some food and drinks. The beginning of my conversation with him today when I saw him pretty much went like this:

Mr Altraide: Hey Des!
Me: MR ALTRAIDE! *big bear hug*
Mr Altraide: How are you?
Me: Good! How are you?
Mr Altraide: Me? I'm great! Want some ice cream?

And off he went to get ice cream from his freezer in his office.

He's not only is he like a dad to me, he's also pretty much a friend to my family. He taught my older sister when she went to Winthrop as well and my parents love him. It's not hard to though.

I should probably also mention what he looks like. He looks like a black santa, no joke. Round, jolly, ALWAYS laughing and smiling (as the Facebook groups go: you know shits about to go down when Mr Altraide doesn't laugh or smile), always with presents (food) and always ready with his massive heart of gold. He also has one heck of a life story and testimony. Even with the really sad parts, he still manages to tell them with a laugh. I've learned from Mr Altraide that when something really bad happens, you can either take it with a positive attitude or a negative attitude and the outcomes can depend on how you take it. So take it with a positive attitude and if things don't work out, then at least you can say you tried. I'm trying to do that but sometimes it's hard. All the same, Mr Altraide is adorable.

Special mentions also go out to these people:
Miss Talbot, who was a really great support in year 11. Year 11 was probably my hardest year (yeah, harder than year 12) and she was just a really great friend and support for me to have.
Miss Haydock, who I get along with like two peas in a pod! It's always a pleasure seeing her and chatting to her.
THE DON! Mr Hart is just champion. 'Nuff said.
Burto, who I can't believe is leaving WBC! And who I also cannot believe actually likes durian?! Ewww.

Going back to Winthrop not only gave me a chance to catch up with teachers and friends but I also got to realise just how much I loved that place. This isn't a new revelation for me, I knew when I was going to WBC that I loved it, but now that I'm not there anymore, I really do miss it. Maybe not so much the school work but most definitely the people and atmosphere. High school was hard for me, really hard at some points but I actually wouldn't change it for anything. Going through all the highs and lows and abysses (whether it be by myself or with the support of the people around me) has shaped me to be who I am and while I might not like some aspects, I wouldn't change any of it.

Thanks Winthrop, I really do love you :).

Sorry about the lengthy emotional rambling post but I thought it'd be nice to thank my old high school and teachers. MWAH!

Reasons Why I Don't Like Summer

1. Insects. I really hate insects and bugs and creepy crawlies so summer is just the worst time for me. All the flies are out attacking my food and the mosquitoes are out attacking me. Spiders are hanging around creeping me out and crickets don't shut up at night. I saw a huge Daddy Longlegs in my bathroom this morning and boy, did it wake me up from my half-asleep state. I screamed and it sort of came out as a really weird strangled scale of notes because of my sleep-voice.


2. The sun sets later. This means that there are longer days and anyone who knows me knows that I like my night time. It also means that the sun's at a really horrid angle when I drive to ballet. It doesn't help that I'm too short for the flappy thing the car has to block out the sun.


3. The sun rises earlier. Sunlight filtering through the blinds might sound nice as a descriptive text in a narrative but in real life (IRL cause imma geek like that), it's actually really annoying.


4. THE HEAT.

Oh gosh, there are SO many reasons why I hate the heat. I've never liked the heat (one of the many reasons why I hated living in Singapore) and, being an autumn baby (I'm not sure how it's relevant), I've always preferred my cold days and rainy nights. In no particular order, I present to you the main reasons why I don't enjoy the heat of summer.

Firstly, there's the issue of food and drinks. Ice cream isn't half as fun to eat when you're feeling hot than when the weather is cold. Sure, if might be a good relief and it might sound practical (cold ice cream on a hot day?) but is it fun? Not as fun as eating it on a cold day! And isn't that what summer's said to be? FUN? I also really like my hot drinks and coffees and teas. I pretty much live off it during the cold seasons (which might be why I get a little pudgy...) but it wouldn't be too practical to always be drinking a hot drink on a hot day. Because the heat around you isn't bad enough or anything, you gotta go warm up your insides. Smart.

Secondly, clothing. Summer signals the dusting off of sun dresses and shorts and skirts. What do these mean? Exposure of the legs and appendages. I have some real issues with my legs and I hate the way they are. Well actually, I love and hate them. I love that they're firm and toned(ish) and strong but I hate that they're so chunky and muscly. My calves are just basically one solid piece of muscle when I tense. It's actually a really freaky sight. Anyway, sun dresses, shorts and skirts means that exposure of the limbs is necessary if you want to survive the heat. This annoys me because I've always been really self-conscious about my legs and for the longest time I HATED showing them off so I always wore jeans. Like, always. Ballet's sort of helped me get over that issue a little bit which is a good thing even though I'm still not quite over it so exposing my legs isn't such a big deal anymore even though I still don't like it. I feel like that didn't really make sense but hopefully you got what I was trying to put across. Also, there's only so many layers of clothing you can take off before it becomes socially obscene. In the colder seasons though, you can layer up to your heart's warm and fuzzy content. *smiley face*

Along with that, I also love my jackets and jeans. I am most comfortable in jeans (besides dance attire) so you can aspect me to feel a little lost and exposed without them. Jackets, I feel, have the ability to change the look of an entire outfit. Depending on what type/style/design of jacket you wear, you can change a look from look really casual to a more evening-y/night out look. You can't do this in summer because it's impractical to wear a jacket when it's blistering. Boo.

Sleeping is next. I LOVE my sleep but hardly get enough of it. I hate being in bed at night not being able to sleep and just lying there lost in my own thoughts and imaginations. Depending on what mood I'm in, my mind will linger on different things, most of the time either on depressing stuff or some story I've got going on in my head that will never come true or be written. Either way, it generally leaves me feeling pretty bleugh. I don't like that feeling and lying in bed at night awake and alone with my mind leads me to that feeling. This brings us back to the heat of summer. My dislike for the summer heat stems from the fact that it leaves me awake at night. I get uncomfortable in the heat which means I can't get comfortable (...duh) enough to fall asleep. So I end up lying there, lost in my thoughts. And as I said earlier, I don't like that.

Next, exercise is more of a chore when it's hot. I love dance and I'll do it whenever and wherever but it's always slightly harder to actually do it when it's sweltering. Walking from the car park to the lecture theatre at uni is already tiring enough when it's not blistering but when it is.... ewwwww. Imagine what it's like when I'm actually putting effort into physical exertion. I don't have a problem with it when it's cold because it warms me up but I don't need to be warmed up when I'm already feeling hot.

Finally, I love my snow and rain and curling up in a blanket in front of a heater or fireplace with a massive cup of mocha and a movie or book.

So there you go. I'm sure there are other reasons why I don't like summer but those are the main ones. You can tell I'm totally looking forward to summer...

two years

It's the day after the two year anniversary since Thailand and you were struck by lightning.
I was okay for the whole day until I said out loud what day it was and then I cried. I miss you.
Thank you for everything you did. For teaching me, guiding me, making fun of me, sharing with me, inspiring me. You were such a special light in all of our lives and I know that I wouldn't be the same if you hadn't had walked into my life.

I still remember your testimony, I still remember you telling me my school jumper was on fire and I thought you were kidding when you weren't, I still remember you teasing me about my height (constantly), I still remember you offering to help me with opportunities in my future.

I remember so clearly what I was doing when I found out what had happened. It was the last night of ballet concert and we were just about to go on for the finale/curtain call. Kirsty was waiting outside the senior's dressing room and when I walked past heading to the wings she called out that she needed to talk to me after the show.

After the show I went to the senior's dressing room to see that she wanted to talk about and she was crying. I thought at first it was because it was her last concert with SDA but then she showed me her phone. And I read the message on the screen and I didn't know what to think. I actually couldn't believe it and at first I couldn't cry. I had tears but I was just feeling so numb that I wasn't sure if they were forced or not. People I didn't know were hugging me, Kirsty and I were hugging each other. I just wanted to go home and curl up into a ball.

Megan came in looking for me (Erica was taking me home) and she didn't know what had happened. Erica did though (Kelly had sent her a message and told Erica not to tell me until after the show) and she took me home immediately, Megan holding my hand the entire time. Erica walked me to the door and hugged me, then passed me to my parents and sister who had already heard.

I got rid of my make up, took out my hair, took a shower and cried the entire time. I cried myself to sleep. I didn't go to church the next morning and I cried when I woke up. Michelle called me from Thailand later that day in tears and I felt so bad that I couldn't hug one of my best friends.

We had your memorial service about a week later. Kirsty and I went to Cottesloe after and we just sat and talked. We went and bought some of your favourite things - tea and chilli among other things - and when the sun was setting, we threw them into the ocean because that was another thing you loved - fishing and the outdoors. There were other people there but we kept to ourselves. We were all there to celebrate you. You were such a strong man of God and inspired every single one of us - we wouldn't have been there otherwise.

I don't know why God chose to send you home then but I'm just so grateful that he sent you into mine and other peoples' lives. I will never forget you nor what you taught me and how you inspired me. Thank you. I know you're in a way better place with infinitely cooler people and that I'll be seeing you again. So until then, I'll be trying to live life the way you did.