I never thought Talib Kweli would be the one to remind me what I was doing with my life.

“You have to have hope for the future to be an artist.” – Talib Kweli

I took this winter class over my break, Watching Race in US Media (by Dr Paula Ioanide) and it had a very big impact on me. The winter class was a truncated version of Dr Paula's full semester course, but even in those two short weeks, I learned a lot. It unlocked another way of thinking and an ability to analyze that I had never really put much effort or thought into previously, but more than that it taught me a lot about things I hadn’t really thought about in depth before. Our class was focused on race in US media but through that it exposed me more to the social injustice that’s happened and still continues to happen in this country. And being a minority in this country, it definitely was applicable to me.

My mind, my eyes and my knowledge had been broadened and I questioned what I was doing with my life. We don’t really have gen eds at Murdoch University the same way we do here so I kind of jumped straight into my theatre degree, and as I’ve progressed through it, things inevitably got more and more specific to what we’re studying. Taking Dr Paula’s class made me think and feel like I had missed out on learning so much and made me question my decision to study performing arts. I guess one of my biggest goals in life is to help people and when I thought about why I was doing theatre and how it related to helping people, it didn’t quite match up in my head. I was doing dance and theatre because I loved it. It provided this outlet of expression with the things I had troubling saying; it made me feel less alone; and it brought me into this world where I didn’t really care what other people thought of me. Maybe I'm not the best dancer and maybe after, I do care about what people think of me, but in that exact moment when I’m dancing, when my body, the music, and my heart take over, I could not care less what anyone else thought of me. Even three days ago, I had this idea in my head of leaving school to take dance classes and auditions in LA or New York City. I’m not sorry that sounds so cliché. There is absolutely nothing wrong with those reasons, but I was very concerned that it seemed selfish and I wasn’t exactly sure what that said as a reflection of me or how it aligned with my goal of helping people.

I remember feeling really lost after our final Watching Race in US Media class and almost being in tears because I was feeling so conflicted.

But after participating in the staged reading of Dream Acts* and attending the Talib Kweli event tonight, I know that dance and theatre is definitely what I want to do. We'd had one rehearsal for our staged reading of Dream Acts and already at that level, it was impacting and the questions and discussions that followed after our performance was proof of that. People were learning things and asking questions – conversations were happening, knowledge was being gained and awareness was being raised. I sat at the Talib Kweli event tonight and I looked at all of these kids, students and community members that were there. A group of bros sat behind me and before the event started, all they were talking about was things like, “Yo, I wonder if he’ll rap for us”. I wasn’t sure if they really knew what he had come to Ithaca for. I wasn’t even exactly clear on what he was going to talk about, what he stood for. And I didn’t know how many other people in that room did. But one thing was really clear – they were all there to see Talib Kweli because they admired him. Maybe they didn't really know what he was there for, maybe they did; but they came and they listened, and they asked questions. As Macklemore raps in his song Otherside:  “Us as rappers underestimate the power and the effects that we have on these kids”. And it's true.

I guess I got lost for a moment, but once again, I’m seeing theatre, music, dance – performing arts – impacting and educating people, spreading knowledge, raising awareness, being voices for people who can’t speak up, beacons of hope for those who don’t know what to do.

This is what we’re here for. To start conversations, to enlighten and to make people ask questions. To be the voice to the voiceless, and the hope for the hopeless.

I feel very privileged to have been a part of Dream Acts and to have sat in the same room as Talib Kweli and listened to him speak about social justice and activism.

I never thought it’d be a rapper that would indirectly remind and reassure me that art, in its myriad of forms, is indeed what I want to do with my life and the medium through which I can help people.

------

Dream Acts is fictional play about five DREAM (Development, Relief and Education for Alien Minors) act eligible youths and the challenges they face trying to live ordinary lives while being undocumented. This bill has been in review in Congress since 2009. As of the end of 2012, 8 states have implemented their own versions of the DREAM act. Find out more information here and here.

Direction

Have you ever felt directionless? I've been feeling quite directionless lately. Not just in regards to my future but to everything. I'm not quite sure why.

People have been asking me what I plan to do after my degree or what I can do with it and to be honest, I'm not quite sure. I know what I want to do, what I want to be, but not what I'm going to do or end up being. I see my friends who are at WAAPA and I can't help but feel really sad whenever I do. Jealousy is probably partly there somewhere in the mix but I mostly just feel sad and disappointed in myself that I'm not there; that I wasn't good enough. I'm still dancing, which is great, but it's not quite the same.

What can you do with an English degree? What can you do with an English and Creative Arts degree? Don't say teaching, that's so obvious. And like they say: those who can't do, teach. I want to be able to do because I know I can. I think I can? I just don't want to be a failure and disappointment to myself.

Mix in a huge dose of loneliness and you've got yourself an unhealthy serving of self-loathing and hatred. Why is life so hard? Why am I so bitter to myself? I don't want to be. I want to be happy with myself and who I am. To not have to worry about what size I am or what my face shape is or how smooth and even my complexion is or what people think of me. I just want to be content. I feel like a hypocrite sometimes. I want to help people but I can't even help myself?

I just don't know where to go or what to do.

I found this band yesterday. They're called Adventure Land and they're from Brisbane, Australia. They're an awesome band and they have this one song called The Eastern Sky that I've been listening to all day (I found it yesterday and I pretty much know all the lyrics to that song already). It's an amazing song with amazing lyrics but probably the lines (of many in the song) that gets to me is the part that goes "this couldn't hold you down, you know you're stronger than you think. So get yourself off the floor and grab hold of all your dreams".

I wish I had more faith and trust. But I realised that I don't trust easily. I don't forgive easily and I never forget either.

I wish I knew what I was doing. I wish I knew what God was doing with me.

a Heap of mellow jello

It's waaaay past midnight (the time of publishing is 3:42am) and I've been in one of those mellow big-sigh moods. I was really in the mood to listen to something chill but not sleepy but, having a great amount of stuff on my iPod, I couldn't quite pinpoint what exactly I felt like listening to off the top of my head. So, scrolling through all the artists I have, I came across Imogen Heap. Bingo.

Imogen Heap is brilliant. I always respected her as an amazing musician and singer. She was interesting and different and unique but never have I really listened to her words until tonight. She is such a good songwriter, in my opinion. I'm a sucker for good lyrics and I get sad sometimes when a song has nice lyrics or a really good meaning but is paired with a terrible singer or melody. Some examples include: Firework by Katy Perry (I actually really like this song and it's fun to sing but I really do not like Katy Perry. Really, really. At all) and The Climb by Miley Cyrus (okay, so maybe I have some Miley songs on my iPod but she is annoyingly catchy. I like The Climb but not necessarily Miss Cyrus) among others. There are some things about lyrics that can really impact me, among which are these main things - how much the song relates to me at that moment, the message and the imagery used to convey it. Some of the imagery Imogen Heap uses is wonderful. While, at this present moment, the songs might not exactly relate to me, the imagery she has is incredible.



Half Life was my favourite song off Ellipse. At first it was because it sounded nice and the chorus painted an interesting picture for me:

It's a half life

With you as my quarterback

A daft life

I'm not American and I don't really know much about gridiron football but from what I understand, a quarterback is one of the most important roles in the team; the one that has most of the responisbilities and the one that handles (most, if not all) the touches (scores the points. Pretty much who the team relies on). This juxtaposition between an unfulfilled life and the role of the quarterback was interesting to me. It's almost like she's saying she can't depend on him but yet has no choice but to do so (or no willpower to do so, rather). On the flip side though, a quarterback also has to depend on his team to have his back. That, with the rest of the song, makes it seem like he might rely on her but not in the same way she relies on him. It paints a really unhealthy relationship to me. She depends on him, she idolises him (are quarterbacks not always portrayed as being the guy all the girls want and all the guys want to be? In movies at least) but yet she's obviously not recieving the same, or at least adequet, attention. Not right now but once upon a time, there was someone who pretty much recieved that much of my attention but I never recieved any of it back. Not in the way I wanted at least and that took up two years of my emotional life. In other words - I relate. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I just wanted to show you that I liked Half Life and why but until tonight, I didn't realise the amazingness (yes, it's a word now) that it possessed.

[Note: the song (to me) is pretty much what I said above. A girl who has feelings for someone but who doesn't exactly return them and she knows that they never will yet she still waits and tries.]

Be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then

the perfect heart's length away

"The perfect heart's length away". I love that image. It creates such a wonderful scene of wanting to be detached but yet not really being able to because your heart is still involved.

My self-worth measured in text back tempo

it's been two days eight minutes too slow

We are so dependent on technology. It's horrible. I should know. Trying to stay cool while waiting anxiously and uncertainly for that text or Facebook or chat reply, counting every single second it takes them to do so and over-analysing every single word, puncuation and emoticon used. We've all been there, we all know how it feels.

And now for my favourite lines in the whole song:

Will you ever slow down? Will I ever come first?

The universe contracts to sigh.

Wow. I can actually just picture her getting left behind as he continues on with his life, oblivious to what he's doing to her, oblivious to all her attempts at getting to him and everyone else watching on. "The universe contracts to a sigh" is my favouritest line. Contracts. What a word; what a movement. It's like a seizure, a collapse. But less severe, less important. She doesn't matter; what's one girl's sad love life to the universe? And the way Imogen Heap sings that line. It's a breath, literally a sigh. It sounds so defeated and accepted. She knows she's fighting a loosing battle with that relationship but yet she can't give up.

The song is gorgeous and while I said I didn't want to listen to a mellow-sleepy song, once you start listening to Imogen Heap, you can't stop.

Some other images and lines I found that really impacted me in some of her other songs include:

"You say, "too late to start, got your heart in a headlock" - Headlock. A headlock. The age-old battle between your heart and your head but without saying it.

"The dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet" - Hide and Seek. I don't know why but I like it. And I love this song too, not that Jason Derulo abomination. Sigh.

"The urge to feel your face and blood rushing to paint my handprint" - First Train Home. "Blood rushing to paint my handprint" is just amazing. Blood and handprints. Things that last in one way or another. And also just a great way to say that she's blushing and excited at the thought of seeing him and returning home.

"Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed" - Wait It Out. I'm not even going to touch this wonderful image with an analysis. Fun fact: Imogen Heap performed this song at the 2009 TED conference.

Another fun fact: Imogen Heap is now recording her fourth studio album with the help of her fans in a fan-collaboration project. I think that is mighty cool and a great way to show your appreciation for your fans :). Go to her official website http://www.imogenheap.com/ for more information.

"...and like I can't force the sun to rise
or hasten summer's start,
neither should I rush my way into your heart.

I'll be waiting for you baby,
I'll be holding back the darknest night.
Love is waiting till we're ready, til it's right."

I don't think I need to say much about it :).

Things I'd Rather Be Doing

Things I'd rather be doing than going uni:

1. Dance
2. Musical Theatre
3. Make Up
4. Reading
5. Writing
6. Singing
7. Designing
8. Dance
9. Drinking coffee
10. Dance
11. Reading
12. Performing
13. Musical Theatre
14. Learning the piano again
15. Dance
16. Singing
17. Make Up
18. Learning the guitar
19. Dance
20. Travelling
21. Musical Theatre
22. Singing
23. Dance

...

I think you get the picture.

I know I'm on holidays at the moment but I was talking to some friends last night about uni and doing what you love versus doing what to need to to survive and it just got me thinking (again) about my future and where I'm going to go with an English degree. Sigh.

Also, I went to my old high school's annual Choreography Night last night and it was a fantastic show. Skye (the head of dance and my dance mummy; I love her) has just done an absolutely amazing job. I was also reunited with my beautiful dance family who I have been separated from for faaaaaaaar too long. I miss dancing and spending time with them. I love you all!

Anyway, I'm itching to write something again but I haven't really had much inspiration lately. I'll start to write something but then decide after the first paragraph that I don't like it and stop. Boo.