Welcome to Midnight

Photo courtesy of To Write Love On Her Arms

10

The countdown begins. From months to weeks to days to hours to minutes and, finally, to seconds.

9

2012 was a year. Big decisions were made; lives were relocated, new members of the family were welcomed; multiple goodbyes to multiple people were said; many laughs were shared; a lot more tears were shed; growing up and wising up was done.

8

I never really understood the need for all of the celebrations and fireworks, but then again I’ve never been a New Year’s person; never really celebrated it much. To me, it was just another day. The clock striking midnight has never been a moment of significance or change for me. It was just the transition from another day that I had lasted through into another day that I would hopefully survive.

7

I never make resolutions because I know I’ll never keep them. I’m never able to hold the promises that I make to myself.

6

New Year’s has always come with a sense of poignancy and nostalgia for me. Midnight comes with remembrance for everything that has happened in the year just passed, and relief with the fact that I’ve survived it once more. Midnight comes with the uncertainty of what the next year will bring, and a vague sense of hope that maybe it will be better, if only just a little bit.

5

I am not going to make any resolutions or promises of improvement for next year. I already know that it will be challenging in many ways. And why should one day be dedicated to making the decision to change and be healthier, happier, wealthier, better…

4

Maybe it’s in that one moment. A moment of thrill, excitement, adrenaline, anticipation, trepidation… The expectation and hope for something else. Something better. The moment when an old year becomes a new year. When an old you can maybe become a new you. I know it’s not easy. Change is scary and it takes time. Acceptance, healing, recovery, forgiveness… Wounds heal but scars stay and is it all worth it?

3

I am scared – no, terrified – of what 2013 will bring. But right now, if only for a moment, I will welcome midnight.

2

Happy New Year.

1

#welcometomidnight

The Realness of TWLOHA.

Dear Blog,

Today I met Jamie Tworkowski! He was so nice and dreamy and he called me Beth by accident and now it's a big joke between us and we're biffles now!

- as dictated by Meg Rindfleisch

Fangirlness aside, it was a really amazing night. Jamie Tworkowski is the founder of To Write Love On Her Arms and he spoke at Cornell University on the 22nd of February. I would never have gotten such an opportunity like this back home (at least not for a long time) and I am so grateful to be alive and to be here in Ithaca to experience it.

I didn't know what to expect for tonight except honesty and conversation. Music is an important part of TWLOHA and so as usual, Jamie had a support act. He had Anthony Raneri from Bayside with him on tour this time and it was great. Jamie just shared the story of Renee and the beginning of TWLOHA and what they've been doing lately. It wasn't really anything that I didn't already know but that's not what made the night and the whole experience so wonderful and worthwhile. For me, it was being able to spend time with the other TWLOHA-ICers that I don't usually spend time with in the meetings, to talk to them and get to know them and to spend more time with the ones that I did. Community and conversation is such an integral part of TWLOHA and I was so glad to be able to just spend time with them; members old and new, and now friends.

It wasn't even just about me spending time with the other people in the group. It was about the bigger community coming together with the common goal to reach out to people struggling and to let them know that they're not alone. Apart from us and the people from Cornell, there were kids from one of the local high schools and even someone from Cortland who had driven in. Some people hadn't even heard of TWLOHA before but they understood how it feels to hurt and to be alone or how important having a community and support is.

And yes, we did get to meet Jamie after the event. We got to talk to him and take pictures and thank him for everything he's done for us through TWLOHA. And yes, he did rename me Beth after I had said I was from Perth (how he ended up at Beth from Perth is beyond me).

Tonight was unbelievable. It was honest, open, comforting and loving. So thank you to Renee, Jamie, To Write Love On Her Arms and my TWLOHA-Ithaca College family for existing. I haven't been so honestly and truly happy in almost ten years as I have been here and as cheesy as it sounds (and hey, we love our cheese!), for the first time, I feel like I have people I can actually turn to and talk to without feeling like a burden.

Photo courtesy of Karalyn Mark.

St Valentine's Day

Today is the 13th of February. I went to my classes, did my work, saw my friends; nothing out of the ordinary.

Tomorrow is the 14th of February. I will go to my classes and meetings, do my work, see my friends, and do nothing out of the ordinary.

Except for a lot of people, tomorrow the 14th of February is one that they'd rather not face. Tomorrow might remind them of broken relationships, lost loved ones. It might make them feel even more alone in a sea of people than they already do. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day wasn't always what it is now - a day that's become primarily about Hallmark cards and letting other people and material gifts determine your place and value in the world. It was originally St Valentine's Day, a day honoring the Christian martyrs, Saint Valentine (there were at least three of them), at least one of which had been martyred on the 14th. It wasn't until poet Geoffrey Chaucer penned:

For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.

["For this was Saint Valentine's Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate."]

that the romantic traditions started occurring. The day had originally started out as a day to honor a saint and his good works. Years later, it was removed from the General Roman Calendar but yet it still continues as a day where one would send letters, cards, flowers, chocolates, candy and stuffed toys (often in varying shades of pink and red) to loved ones. Or potential loved ones. And what happens when you don't receive any letters, cards, flowers, chocolates, candy or stuffed toys?

It took one poet and his one line to turn St Valentine's Day into what it is now, and somewhere along the way, we've just accepted what we've been fed. We've bought into this idea of Valentine's Day - that you're not loved if you're alone on this day. That you're not cared for if you don't get anything. That you're not worth it if you've been left behind.

But it's not true. Love isn't something you can materialise. It's not something tangible that can be represented through chocolates and flowers and cute teddy bears. I've never been in love, but I understand what it's like to feel alone. It's not a flaw to be lonely, and it's not wrong either. It's natural and it's inevitable when you open your heart up to someone. Love and loneliness, we cannot have one without the other.

I have every reason to hate Valentine's Day this year. Broken hearts and promises, stomped on feelings and confusing mind games in the last year have given me every reason to despise it this year. But I don't. Because I'm really not alone on this day, and neither are you. I have friends and family and I'm not about to let one day in the year and the absence of a person decide how I see myself. I hope you don't either.

This year, don't let Valentine's Day be entirely about someone else. Let it be about learning to appreciate yourself first before being able to appreciate others. I know it's difficult and even I'm learning as I go, but I know that the end will be much more fulfilling and purposeful.

And anyway, we shouldn't need a designated day to show the people we love that we care about them and appreciate them. We should always show them that.

To Write Love On Hejr Arms is holding their annual Valentine's Day Doesn't Have to Suck chat on absolutepunk.net. If you're feeling alone this year, I encourage you to join in. You're not the only one.

Happy Valentine's Day :).

Source: thenotebookdoodles.com via Desiree on Pinterest

Crazy and Not Crazy

Today in our To Write Love On Her Arms IC meeting we shared a couple of stories and experiences. One of the stories that was shared was how one of the members of our group got called crazy in her freshman year by her roommate because she was dealing with issues like anxiety, depression and self-abuse. Her roommate didn't understand and just couldn't grasp (or maybe didn't want to) what it meant to hurt and suffer that way and so just lumped it down to her being "crazy". The gasp and shocked expressions that took over all of our faces when we heard that was incredible. I don't think there was a single one of us who hadn't heard that story before who felt shocked, enraged and maybe even a little pitiful for the person who had said that.

Just because you deal with issues like that doesn't make you crazy. It means you're normal (whatever that means!). You're human, you feel, you think. We all go through different lengths and depths of "craziness" but that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

We were discussing deconstruction last week in my one of my English classes and one of the things that we talked about was how Derrida argues that we tend to think and express our thoughts in terms of opposites. For example, something is tall and so not short, masculine and therefore not feminine, conscious and therefore not unconscious, and so on.

In that sense then, what is "crazy"? After some super pro Googling, I found on good ol' thesaurus.com that some antonyms for "crazy" are "realistic", "sane" and "sensible". Someone answered this same question on answers.com, saying that: "A word meaning the opposite of crazy is sane. Some people might equate "sane" with being mellow, indifferent, or not easily rattled" (the bold is an addition). And, this is my favourite, the "best answer" to the opposite word of crazy on Yahoo! Answers is "boring and closed minded". (I know that answers.com and Yahoo! Answers aren't exactly credible sources but I put them in for lols. Everyone needs some lolness in their life)

Do these "opposite" meanings of "crazy" not seem... dull to you? Yes, being realistic is good, it keeps you grounded. But having dreams are even better. They give you something to reach towards and something to focus on.

If, according the above person's definition, "sane" can equate to "indifferent", well then I definitely don't want to be sane. Being indifferent and not caring about anything is such a waste of a life. We were put on this planet for a reason. If we were put on this planet and given this life to be indifferent, why were we put here at all? What would you wake up in the morning for?

And of course, no one wants to be boring and closed minded. That's not fun for anyone.

So if those are the opposites of being crazy, why is it such a bad thing to be crazy? Being crazy sounds a lot more fun than being not crazy, but maybe that's just me. And I guess that makes me crazy.

As the Cheshire Cat says to Alice, "We're all mad here."

But if being crazy scares you, don't worry. You're gonna get better soon. Not not-crazy but something that transcends the awesomeness of being crazy. You're going to be incredible :).


Matchbox Twenty - by Warner-Music

Fears vs Dreams: Thoughts from Applefest

The weekend just gone was Ithaca's annual Applefest, which is the town's apple harvest festival. The Ithaca College To Write Love On Her Arms UChapter (University Chapter) had a table there and I was helping out. Despite the freezing cold and dismal rain, it was one of the happiest days I'd had in a very long time.

So for those who have never heard of To Write Love On Her Arms, TWLOHA is a non-profit movement devoted to reaching out and helping people suffering from depression, addiction and self-injury, and investing directly into treatment and recovery. We believe in conversation and community. We believe - no, we know that you're not alone in your hurt and fear. We believe that your best and brightest days are ahead. We believe that you are loved more than you can ever comprehend, even if it's sometimes hard to believe.

I started the day not knowing any of the people I was going to be spending the day with but I didn't care. The whole weekend was scheduled to be freezing, windy and rainy but I didn't care. I had an 8-10 page assignment due on Monday and three plays to read but I didn't care. I was involved with TWLOHA and I was spreading the word. That's all that mattered.

We had a bunch of stuff available at our TWLOHA table; we were doing henna 'love' tattoos in different languages, selling TWLOHA merch, we had contact information for local and national hotlines, selling silver ribbons but what I was most excited about was the Fears vs Dreams project that we decided to take part in.

The Fears vs Dreams project started as a road trip where TWLOHA founder Jamie Tworkowski and photographer Jeremy Cowart travelled around collecting people's fears and dreams. They would get people to write down a fear and a dream and take a photo of it. You might think it sounds silly and pointless - "I'm not afraid of anything." - but it's not. Sometimes it's easier to admit these things in forms that aren't verbal, I know it's like that for me, and some times you need to admit these things, to voice them. What you might find is that you're not alone in your fears and insecurities or your dreams and ambitions.

I sure thought I was in mine. I spent about half an hour trying to work up the courage to write down one of my fears and dreams and when I finally managed to pen "Fear: To be alone and unloved. Dream: To be genuinely happy with who I am", the girl next to me read it and went, "that's my fear and dream too". I thought I was the only one who had those insecurities. It's so easy to look at someone surrounded by people and think that they don't have to worry about having no one. But that's not what it means to not be alone. You can be in a room filled with people you've known your whole life and still feel alone.

What I discovered at Applefest was that so many of us share the same fears and dreams. We fear living a life alone and unfulfilled and dream of making an impact and living a life filled with love and happiness. But yet, we don't talk about it.

People are scared to admit their fears, and even their dreams. They're afraid others will laugh at them, look down on them, think less of them. Well, they probably share the some of the fears and dreams you have and maybe they react that way because they're scared to admit it to themselves.

You don't have to be. To have fear is absolutely normal. It's so human, it's boring. But that's what makes it great. Maybe we don't all share the exact same fears but some of us do and it's a comfort to know that you're not alone. Fearing doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're alive. It means you feel. It means that when you get past what you're afraid of (and you will), you're going to be wiser and stronger than you were before.

And dreams. Dreams give us something to wake up for everyday. They give us hope and motivation in a life that's so short and uncertain. They give us a future.

Maybe your dreams are what your fear. That's totally okay. That's more than okay, it's good. Get past those fears and shoot for your goals. Take that uncertainty and turn it in to motivation. It might take some time and it might be slow but when you get there, it'll be all the more worth it.


Photo courtesy of Karalyn Marks.

If you'd like, share some of your fears and dreams with me.

Learn more about To Write Love On Her Arms here.

Learn more about Fears vs Dreams here.

See more photos from Applefest here and here.