Dezatron dismantled

I'm not as tough as everyone thinks.

One of my nicknames might be inspired by Transformers but I am far from anything the Autobots represent. Not bravery, courage, selflessness... maybe loyalty but that's about it.

I am not strong and I am not brave. I am weak in so many ways and I am scared of so many things. I'm not strong mentally and most definitely not emotionally. I let myself get dependant and lost in people too easily and the really sad part is that I know it. Is it really hypocritical of me to know all of this and yet not seem to be able to do anything about it? Sometimes I do feel like a hypocrite; I'm not sure if that's the right word to use. It's like, I know all this about myself but still I don't (or can't) do anything about it.

I tried once. I got so tired of always being the one to make the effort so I just gave up. I stopped arranging things with people, I stopped texting and calling people unless I really needed to, I stopped asking people for things, I tried to stop depending on people so much. And I pulled it off for a while. I suppose I still am trying although I have lightened up a bit on the "shunning" people part. I feel like I'm burdening people when I talk to them about what I'm going through so I just keep quite.

Anyone who knows me really well knows that I'm not one to just start talking about how I feel. It is extremely hard for me to talk about how I feel and what I'm going through which is why I tend to be very quite often. Heck, I can't even type about how I feel and have people read it - I have whole other blogs for that that no one reads. So it all just stays inside until suddenly the dam breaks and the water[works] just come flying out. And it always seems to happen at the most inconvenient of times in the most inconvenient of places.

It really doesn't help with how I handle things though. My friend once compared me to an egg. Hard on the outside, soft on the inside and when the shell cracks, everything just explodes and falls to pieces. It was extremely apt.

I suffered my first breakdown when I was 12. I don't know why or what caused it except that I was incredibly sad and depressed and that lead me to almost do some pretty dangerous stuff. And now you know something about me that most people don't. Since then, my emotions have been a very turbulent issue that I've had to deal with over the last six years. They can fluctuate with the help of anything - school, work, TV shows, music, relationships, friendships, boys, movies, books or just for no reason in particular.

Right, so back to the original point: I let my emotions control me a lot. This is a bad thing since my emotions are so unstable; and I don't just swap between happy and sad. Depressed, angry, hyper, bored and a whole spectrum of other moods and emotions come into play as well and they can change within a wink. So yes, my mood swings are dangerous.

People say feeling is part of being human but if so, I don't like to be human then. What separates humans from robots? Is it the ability to breathe or think independently? Some say it's the ability to feel, to have a heart and experience emotions. Well, if that's what separates us from them, then sometimes I wish I was a robot.

A robot who doesn't go through emotions and who doesn't possess the ability to feel scared.

Maybe then I won't be such a coward.

I'm scared of a lot of things - insects and bugs, clowns, relationships, forever being alone, growing fat, the future, being alone in a crowded room, talking about how I feel, having no money, never being happy, new experiences... the list goes on.

I am not brave or confidant. I actually cannot talk to new people (except maybe when I'm intoxicated) which means I cannot just talk to someone who I think is gorgeous (so all my friends can now stop telling me to "just go up and talk to him", thanks). I am a coward and it has left me in this rut. I will not go into an in depth post about said "him" because it is long and complicated and tiring. You can try to search out my other blog or ask me about it if you really want to know about it, although I may not tell you if you ask me.

Anyway, I am too scared and uncertain to talk to him; I am too scared and uncertain to face my problems; I'm too scared and uncertain to burden other people; I'm too scared and uncertain to let go.

What I am not uncertain about, though, is my loyalty to my friends. Sometimes I think I am too loyal and that leads me to getting hurt and disappointed a lot. The hurt and disappointment feeds into my emotional oscillating waves and so begins the horrid cycle of my emotional state. One big, vile circle of emotional turmoil.

I used to be pretty good at hiding it. I suppose that if I tried, I still would be but it's just that I'm too tired to do it now. It takes too much effort to smile and not look exhausted and burnt out, too much effort to try to hide the watery eyes, red nose, shaking hands. It's a build up of numerous factors - stress, school, work, lack of sleep, friends, boy, dance...

All it takes is just one person to unravel it. The worst part? They don't know that they're doing it. The even worst part? I only have myself to blame.

So here I am - Dezatron dismantled. Like a Transformer, I can be hard and [not so] shiny on the outside but when they transform, you see what's really inside. Except, instead of a fighter who's ready to defend the world, all you see is a scared and weak little girl. The egg has cracked again.