Welcome to Midnight

Photo courtesy of To Write Love On Her Arms

10

The countdown begins. From months to weeks to days to hours to minutes and, finally, to seconds.

9

2012 was a year. Big decisions were made; lives were relocated, new members of the family were welcomed; multiple goodbyes to multiple people were said; many laughs were shared; a lot more tears were shed; growing up and wising up was done.

8

I never really understood the need for all of the celebrations and fireworks, but then again I’ve never been a New Year’s person; never really celebrated it much. To me, it was just another day. The clock striking midnight has never been a moment of significance or change for me. It was just the transition from another day that I had lasted through into another day that I would hopefully survive.

7

I never make resolutions because I know I’ll never keep them. I’m never able to hold the promises that I make to myself.

6

New Year’s has always come with a sense of poignancy and nostalgia for me. Midnight comes with remembrance for everything that has happened in the year just passed, and relief with the fact that I’ve survived it once more. Midnight comes with the uncertainty of what the next year will bring, and a vague sense of hope that maybe it will be better, if only just a little bit.

5

I am not going to make any resolutions or promises of improvement for next year. I already know that it will be challenging in many ways. And why should one day be dedicated to making the decision to change and be healthier, happier, wealthier, better…

4

Maybe it’s in that one moment. A moment of thrill, excitement, adrenaline, anticipation, trepidation… The expectation and hope for something else. Something better. The moment when an old year becomes a new year. When an old you can maybe become a new you. I know it’s not easy. Change is scary and it takes time. Acceptance, healing, recovery, forgiveness… Wounds heal but scars stay and is it all worth it?

3

I am scared – no, terrified – of what 2013 will bring. But right now, if only for a moment, I will welcome midnight.

2

Happy New Year.

1

#welcometomidnight

Walk Away

Here I stand.

With my heart and everything that I am

In my hands.

In front of you,

Bare.

Shadows and scars for you to judge. And I’ll just leave it all

At your feet, all that’s left of me.

A bag of bones and an aching heart,

And I’ll leave that too because what use is it to me now.

And I’ll walk away, walk away.        

With nothing left of me

I’ll walk away, walk away now and I won’t

Look back at what I used to be.

What you have of me.

You have all of me.

I won’t call, won’t ask how you’re doing.

And I hope you won’t too.

Because I already know if you do,

I won’t lie like I used to.

You have all of me now. I won’t ask for it back.

I’ll just pray that you’ll be gentle with it as I walk away.

I'll just pray that you'll know how sorry I am as I walk away.

I’ll walk away, leave you be, and I’ll try not to look back.

Goodbye, Murdoch: An Explanation and Retrospective Walkthrough

This post is probably more for my benefit, but maybe yours too.

It’s hard to start when saying goodbye to someone, and it’s no different when you say goodbye to something. I always forget that the week before the semester starts is O Week (Orientation Week), so as I walked into Murdoch University today for the last time as a Murdoch student, other kids were walking into Murdoch for the first time as a Murdoch student. I thought it was kind of poetic. “Every end is a new beginning”, is that not the proverb? Well, today marked the end of my Murdoch student life and the beginning for someone else’s.

Goodbye, Murdoch :(.

It only occurred to me today when I posted the above picture with that caption on Instagram and Facebook and received some comments that not every one knows what’s going on (I know, arrogant of me to assume that everyone is just waiting on the edges of their seats to find out what’s going on in my life. My apologies). I also have a bad habit of moving countries without telling anyone. I wanted to tell people in person but it was taking too long to meet up with everyone and I was getting tired repeating myself over and over again, so consider this my explanation.

Yes, today I sent in my application of withdrawal to Murdoch University. “Why?” I’m transferring to Ithaca College (please don’t hate me, guys). I had an amazing time and experience there and I learned so much more in one semester than I did in a year and half at Murdoch. And being there was the first time I could say that I was properly happy in a decade. I thought about this decision to transfer for a long time, even after I’d been accepted by Ithaca College. There were a lot of things to consider; money, time, family, friends… But at the end of the day, Ithaca won out.

I was (am) happy in Ithaca. To those who know me well, you know that that means a lot to me, and isn't something I can say and mean often. I was happy with what I was learning, what I was doing, what I could potentially do, where I was in life, what I was experiencing (the good and the bad), I was comfortable with the people I was surrounded by. I was worked harder than I’d ever been worked in my life (even harder than year 12) and stressed beyond belief at times, but I actually felt like I was learning and growing. My sister said she had never seen me work so hard and enjoy it before. But apart from that, studying in IC would give me the education, training, conditioning, credentials and contacts that I would never have gotten at Murdoch or in Perth.

But with saying that, without Murdoch I would never have gone to Ithaca. So thank you for everything, Murdoch. I might not have learnt much, but I did meet some incredibly awesome people.

My last time on Bush Court as a Murdoch student.

What I do remember of Murdoch is lying on Bush Court eating hot chips and drinking coffee (or often sleeping, too), trying to avoid the crows and magpies, eating Chinese (“noodles and honey chicken, please!”), laughs at the Tav, the MASSIVE hike up the stairs from carpark 7, class picnics, and countless moments spent with (and making fun of) friends. I guess I remember going to class too, but honestly, there aren’t that many classes to attend or remember when you only go to uni three days a week, for an average of an hour and a half to two hours each day, like I did in my last semester there.

Good ol' Murdoch Tav.

Walking through Murdoch for the last time as a student there was bittersweet. I’ll miss it but I know bigger things are waiting for me at Ithaca.

This might be a goodbye to Murdoch, but it's not a goodbye to Perth. I didn't realise the friends I had here until I went away and I'm so grateful that they're still around. Don't worry, I'll be back. You can't get rid of me that easily :).

The Realness of TWLOHA.

Dear Blog,

Today I met Jamie Tworkowski! He was so nice and dreamy and he called me Beth by accident and now it's a big joke between us and we're biffles now!

- as dictated by Meg Rindfleisch

Fangirlness aside, it was a really amazing night. Jamie Tworkowski is the founder of To Write Love On Her Arms and he spoke at Cornell University on the 22nd of February. I would never have gotten such an opportunity like this back home (at least not for a long time) and I am so grateful to be alive and to be here in Ithaca to experience it.

I didn't know what to expect for tonight except honesty and conversation. Music is an important part of TWLOHA and so as usual, Jamie had a support act. He had Anthony Raneri from Bayside with him on tour this time and it was great. Jamie just shared the story of Renee and the beginning of TWLOHA and what they've been doing lately. It wasn't really anything that I didn't already know but that's not what made the night and the whole experience so wonderful and worthwhile. For me, it was being able to spend time with the other TWLOHA-ICers that I don't usually spend time with in the meetings, to talk to them and get to know them and to spend more time with the ones that I did. Community and conversation is such an integral part of TWLOHA and I was so glad to be able to just spend time with them; members old and new, and now friends.

It wasn't even just about me spending time with the other people in the group. It was about the bigger community coming together with the common goal to reach out to people struggling and to let them know that they're not alone. Apart from us and the people from Cornell, there were kids from one of the local high schools and even someone from Cortland who had driven in. Some people hadn't even heard of TWLOHA before but they understood how it feels to hurt and to be alone or how important having a community and support is.

And yes, we did get to meet Jamie after the event. We got to talk to him and take pictures and thank him for everything he's done for us through TWLOHA. And yes, he did rename me Beth after I had said I was from Perth (how he ended up at Beth from Perth is beyond me).

Tonight was unbelievable. It was honest, open, comforting and loving. So thank you to Renee, Jamie, To Write Love On Her Arms and my TWLOHA-Ithaca College family for existing. I haven't been so honestly and truly happy in almost ten years as I have been here and as cheesy as it sounds (and hey, we love our cheese!), for the first time, I feel like I have people I can actually turn to and talk to without feeling like a burden.

Photo courtesy of Karalyn Mark.

St Valentine's Day

Today is the 13th of February. I went to my classes, did my work, saw my friends; nothing out of the ordinary.

Tomorrow is the 14th of February. I will go to my classes and meetings, do my work, see my friends, and do nothing out of the ordinary.

Except for a lot of people, tomorrow the 14th of February is one that they'd rather not face. Tomorrow might remind them of broken relationships, lost loved ones. It might make them feel even more alone in a sea of people than they already do. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day wasn't always what it is now - a day that's become primarily about Hallmark cards and letting other people and material gifts determine your place and value in the world. It was originally St Valentine's Day, a day honoring the Christian martyrs, Saint Valentine (there were at least three of them), at least one of which had been martyred on the 14th. It wasn't until poet Geoffrey Chaucer penned:

For this was on seynt Volantynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.

["For this was Saint Valentine's Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate."]

that the romantic traditions started occurring. The day had originally started out as a day to honor a saint and his good works. Years later, it was removed from the General Roman Calendar but yet it still continues as a day where one would send letters, cards, flowers, chocolates, candy and stuffed toys (often in varying shades of pink and red) to loved ones. Or potential loved ones. And what happens when you don't receive any letters, cards, flowers, chocolates, candy or stuffed toys?

It took one poet and his one line to turn St Valentine's Day into what it is now, and somewhere along the way, we've just accepted what we've been fed. We've bought into this idea of Valentine's Day - that you're not loved if you're alone on this day. That you're not cared for if you don't get anything. That you're not worth it if you've been left behind.

But it's not true. Love isn't something you can materialise. It's not something tangible that can be represented through chocolates and flowers and cute teddy bears. I've never been in love, but I understand what it's like to feel alone. It's not a flaw to be lonely, and it's not wrong either. It's natural and it's inevitable when you open your heart up to someone. Love and loneliness, we cannot have one without the other.

I have every reason to hate Valentine's Day this year. Broken hearts and promises, stomped on feelings and confusing mind games in the last year have given me every reason to despise it this year. But I don't. Because I'm really not alone on this day, and neither are you. I have friends and family and I'm not about to let one day in the year and the absence of a person decide how I see myself. I hope you don't either.

This year, don't let Valentine's Day be entirely about someone else. Let it be about learning to appreciate yourself first before being able to appreciate others. I know it's difficult and even I'm learning as I go, but I know that the end will be much more fulfilling and purposeful.

And anyway, we shouldn't need a designated day to show the people we love that we care about them and appreciate them. We should always show them that.

To Write Love On Hejr Arms is holding their annual Valentine's Day Doesn't Have to Suck chat on absolutepunk.net. If you're feeling alone this year, I encourage you to join in. You're not the only one.

Happy Valentine's Day :).

Source: thenotebookdoodles.com via Desiree on Pinterest