After all this time you've managed to slowly weasle your way back into my head. So slowly that I didn't even see it coming.
Do you know how annoying that is? Very.
Friday, March 25, 2011
List 2: Things I'm Grateful For This Week
- Yellowcard's new album When You're Through Thinking, Say Yes was released this week. YELLOWCARD IS BACK! Anyone who knows me well will know that Yellowcard is my favourite band of all time. They have gotten me through so much in the last eight years and I all but cried when they announced their indefinite hiatus. But now they're back and are as strong as ever!
- My uni study break (please don't end!)
- My family and friends who are alive
- My mum's Thermomix cookbook coming out
- Getting Epic Espresso coffee
It's the little things in life that count :).
Monday, March 21, 2011
a Heap of mellow jello
It's waaaay past midnight (the time of publishing is 3:42am) and I've been in one of those mellow big-sigh moods. I was really in the mood to listen to something chill but not sleepy but, having a great amount of stuff on my iPod, I couldn't quite pinpoint what exactly I felt like listening to off the top of my head. So, scrolling through all the artists I have, I came across Imogen Heap. Bingo.
Imogen Heap is brilliant. I always respected her as an amazing musician and singer. She was interesting and different and unique but never have I really listened to her words until tonight. She is such a good songwriter, in my opinion. I'm a sucker for good lyrics and I get sad sometimes when a song has nice lyrics or a really good meaning but is paired with a terrible singer or melody. Some examples include: Firework by Katy Perry (I actually really like this song and it's fun to sing but I really do not like Katy Perry. Really, really. At all) and The Climb by Miley Cyrus (okay, so maybe I have some Miley songs on my iPod but she is annoyingly catchy. I like The Climb but not necessarily Miss Cyrus) among others. There are some things about lyrics that can really impact me, among which are these main things - how much the song relates to me at that moment, the message and the imagery used to convey it. Some of the imagery Imogen Heap uses is wonderful. While, at this present moment, the songs might not exactly relate to me, the imagery she has is incredible.
Half Life was my favourite song off Ellipse. At first it was because it sounded nice and the chorus painted an interesting picture for me:
I'm not American and I don't really know much about gridiron football but from what I understand, a quarterback is one of the most important roles in the team; the one that has most of the responisbilities and the one that handles (most, if not all) the touches (scores the points. Pretty much who the team relies on). This juxtaposition between an unfulfilled life and the role of the quarterback was interesting to me. It's almost like she's saying she can't depend on him but yet has no choice but to do so (or no willpower to do so, rather). On the flip side though, a quarterback also has to depend on his team to have his back. That, with the rest of the song, makes it seem like he might rely on her but not in the same way she relies on him. It paints a really unhealthy relationship to me. She depends on him, she idolises him (are quarterbacks not always portrayed as being the guy all the girls want and all the guys want to be? In movies at least) but yet she's obviously not recieving the same, or at least adequet, attention. Not right now but once upon a time, there was someone who pretty much recieved that much of my attention but I never recieved any of it back. Not in the way I wanted at least and that took up two years of my emotional life. In other words - I relate. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I just wanted to show you that I liked Half Life and why but until tonight, I didn't realise the amazingness (yes, it's a word now) that it possessed.
[Note: the song (to me) is pretty much what I said above. A girl who has feelings for someone but who doesn't exactly return them and she knows that they never will yet she still waits and tries.]
"The perfect heart's length away". I love that image. It creates such a wonderful scene of wanting to be detached but yet not really being able to because your heart is still involved.
We are so dependent on technology. It's horrible. I should know. Trying to stay cool while waiting anxiously and uncertainly for that text or Facebook or chat reply, counting every single second it takes them to do so and over-analysing every single word, puncuation and emoticon used. We've all been there, we all know how it feels.
And now for my favourite lines in the whole song:
Wow. I can actually just picture her getting left behind as he continues on with his life, oblivious to what he's doing to her, oblivious to all her attempts at getting to him and everyone else watching on. "The universe contracts to a sigh" is my favouritest line. Contracts. What a word; what a movement. It's like a seizure, a collapse. But less severe, less important. She doesn't matter; what's one girl's sad love life to the universe? And the way Imogen Heap sings that line. It's a breath, literally a sigh. It sounds so defeated and accepted. She knows she's fighting a loosing battle with that relationship but yet she can't give up.
The song is gorgeous and while I said I didn't want to listen to a mellow-sleepy song, once you start listening to Imogen Heap, you can't stop.
Some other images and lines I found that really impacted me in some of her other songs include:
"You say, "too late to start, got your heart in a headlock" - Headlock. A headlock. The age-old battle between your heart and your head but without saying it.
"The dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet" - Hide and Seek. I don't know why but I like it. And I love this song too, not that Jason Derulo abomination. Sigh.
"The urge to feel your face and blood rushing to paint my handprint" - First Train Home. "Blood rushing to paint my handprint" is just amazing. Blood and handprints. Things that last in one way or another. And also just a great way to say that she's blushing and excited at the thought of seeing him and returning home.
"Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed" - Wait It Out. I'm not even going to touch this wonderful image with an analysis. Fun fact: Imogen Heap performed this song at the 2009 TED conference.
Another fun fact: Imogen Heap is now recording her fourth studio album with the help of her fans in a fan-collaboration project. I think that is mighty cool and a great way to show your appreciation for your fans :). Go to her official website http://www.imogenheap.com/ for more information.
Imogen Heap is brilliant. I always respected her as an amazing musician and singer. She was interesting and different and unique but never have I really listened to her words until tonight. She is such a good songwriter, in my opinion. I'm a sucker for good lyrics and I get sad sometimes when a song has nice lyrics or a really good meaning but is paired with a terrible singer or melody. Some examples include: Firework by Katy Perry (I actually really like this song and it's fun to sing but I really do not like Katy Perry. Really, really. At all) and The Climb by Miley Cyrus (okay, so maybe I have some Miley songs on my iPod but she is annoyingly catchy. I like The Climb but not necessarily Miss Cyrus) among others. There are some things about lyrics that can really impact me, among which are these main things - how much the song relates to me at that moment, the message and the imagery used to convey it. Some of the imagery Imogen Heap uses is wonderful. While, at this present moment, the songs might not exactly relate to me, the imagery she has is incredible.
Half Life was my favourite song off Ellipse. At first it was because it sounded nice and the chorus painted an interesting picture for me:
It's a half life
With you as my quarterback
A daft life
I'm not American and I don't really know much about gridiron football but from what I understand, a quarterback is one of the most important roles in the team; the one that has most of the responisbilities and the one that handles (most, if not all) the touches (scores the points. Pretty much who the team relies on). This juxtaposition between an unfulfilled life and the role of the quarterback was interesting to me. It's almost like she's saying she can't depend on him but yet has no choice but to do so (or no willpower to do so, rather). On the flip side though, a quarterback also has to depend on his team to have his back. That, with the rest of the song, makes it seem like he might rely on her but not in the same way she relies on him. It paints a really unhealthy relationship to me. She depends on him, she idolises him (are quarterbacks not always portrayed as being the guy all the girls want and all the guys want to be? In movies at least) but yet she's obviously not recieving the same, or at least adequet, attention. Not right now but once upon a time, there was someone who pretty much recieved that much of my attention but I never recieved any of it back. Not in the way I wanted at least and that took up two years of my emotional life. In other words - I relate. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I just wanted to show you that I liked Half Life and why but until tonight, I didn't realise the amazingness (yes, it's a word now) that it possessed.
[Note: the song (to me) is pretty much what I said above. A girl who has feelings for someone but who doesn't exactly return them and she knows that they never will yet she still waits and tries.]
Be a hundred percent when I'm with you and then
the perfect heart's length away
"The perfect heart's length away". I love that image. It creates such a wonderful scene of wanting to be detached but yet not really being able to because your heart is still involved.
My self-worth measured in text back tempo
it's been two days eight minutes too slow
We are so dependent on technology. It's horrible. I should know. Trying to stay cool while waiting anxiously and uncertainly for that text or Facebook or chat reply, counting every single second it takes them to do so and over-analysing every single word, puncuation and emoticon used. We've all been there, we all know how it feels.
And now for my favourite lines in the whole song:
Will you ever slow down? Will I ever come first?
The universe contracts to sigh.
Wow. I can actually just picture her getting left behind as he continues on with his life, oblivious to what he's doing to her, oblivious to all her attempts at getting to him and everyone else watching on. "The universe contracts to a sigh" is my favouritest line. Contracts. What a word; what a movement. It's like a seizure, a collapse. But less severe, less important. She doesn't matter; what's one girl's sad love life to the universe? And the way Imogen Heap sings that line. It's a breath, literally a sigh. It sounds so defeated and accepted. She knows she's fighting a loosing battle with that relationship but yet she can't give up.
The song is gorgeous and while I said I didn't want to listen to a mellow-sleepy song, once you start listening to Imogen Heap, you can't stop.
Some other images and lines I found that really impacted me in some of her other songs include:
"You say, "too late to start, got your heart in a headlock" - Headlock. A headlock. The age-old battle between your heart and your head but without saying it.
"The dust has only just begun to form crop circles in the carpet" - Hide and Seek. I don't know why but I like it. And I love this song too, not that Jason Derulo abomination. Sigh.
"The urge to feel your face and blood rushing to paint my handprint" - First Train Home. "Blood rushing to paint my handprint" is just amazing. Blood and handprints. Things that last in one way or another. And also just a great way to say that she's blushing and excited at the thought of seeing him and returning home.
"Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed" - Wait It Out. I'm not even going to touch this wonderful image with an analysis. Fun fact: Imogen Heap performed this song at the 2009 TED conference.
Another fun fact: Imogen Heap is now recording her fourth studio album with the help of her fans in a fan-collaboration project. I think that is mighty cool and a great way to show your appreciation for your fans :). Go to her official website http://www.imogenheap.com/ for more information.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
List 1: Things I Miss Doing
- Singing with my sisters
- Dancing with my dance family
- Losing myself in an awesome book
- Curling up in a warm bed when it's freezing outside (bring me winter!)
Monday, February 14, 2011
The Sun Never Says
Even
after
all this time
the sun never says to the earth,
“You owe me.”
Look
what happens
with a love like that–
it lights
the whole world.
– Hafiz
Friday, February 4, 2011
You don't get to pick your family...
Dear Family,
Thank you for calling me fat tonight. Twice.
Sincerely,
Yours Truly.
Thank you for calling me fat tonight. Twice.
Sincerely,
Yours Truly.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Friend Detox
I haven't blogged in a while.
I also haven't cried in a while.
[Just a warning and a sorry in advance - this is going a be a personal, emotional ramble. Good luck if you continue on.]
I feel like a need to cry but I can't.
I'm hating life right now and some friends too. For no apparent reason that I can think of.
I feel like just going on a friend detox. No contact with anyone, no texting, no calling, no Facebooking.
This is something that's been weighing down on me lately and I'm not one to talk about how I'm feeling so this is actually really hard for me.
Maybe I'm just being absolutely stupid but lately I've been having issues discerning if I have any "proper" friends (whatever that may mean). A while ago I sort of unofficially stopped being friends with one of my (I thought) best friends. A look back on our friendship made me realise that I was always the one initiating our communication. I was always the one who would suggest and organise that we catch up, I was always the one asking her to come along to places with me, I was the one who called her when I needed someone to talk to. I got so tired of always putting in the work to keep our friendship going that I eventually decided to stop. There were other reasons but I'm not going to talk about that; this was one of the major reasons that effected not only my friendship with this girl but also my relationship with other people. I realised that I was always the one who was making all the effort to catch up, stay in touch, keep the friendship going. I was always the one hanging on so tightly.
So I just decided to let go. And we haven't talked since unless circumstances have forced us to.
It was actually good for a while too. I just stopped caring and stopped talking to people unless they talked to me. I wasn't worried or upset when I wasn't invited to a certain thing or I wasn't included. I mean, I don't really blame people for not inviting me to some things because I'm a homebody. I don't really like going out clubbing or partying or drinking all the time. So I just stopped caring and stopped making the effort. I stopped hoping for a certain situation or outcome so I stopped being disappointed. I think I need to do that again.
Afriend people detox is what I need.
Maybe I'm needy, insecure, am too loyal to friends and expect too much and I have issues but having friends who I can't talk to, no matter how hard I want to, isn't helping. My friends can say that I can talk to them, but can I really? I just feel like I'm bothering them. I feel like I can't talk to anybody and I feel like I don't have anyone. I know what some of them will say.
One of them will call my silly, give me a huge hug, tell me she loves me, reassures me that I can always talk to her. And I'm grateful because lately she's been the only person I could really call a friend, you know? For some strange reason though, I just can't talk to her about how I feel about things. I might be able to talk about some things but not all. And the things that I do talk about just seem so stupid and inane when said out loud. Although, she is possibly the only one who when I'm with, I don't feel like I'm being judged.
Another one will laugh it off, tell me that I'm being silly and that she's my friend but when it comes to her, I can't tell if she's pretending or being genuine. That is if I do tell her things like this which I don't. Sometimes I feel like she just humours me and spends time with me because we've known each other since high school and we have to see each other every week at uni.
Someone else that I know told me that he considered me one of his best friends. Doesn't seem that way anymore. I haven't talked to him in the longest time and when we do (hardly) talk, it's like we have nothing to talk about anymore.
Is it horrible of me to want to go on my uni exchange program so badly so that I can get away from everyone here and try again somewhere else? Even if it's just for a year. Sometimes I feel like I want to die just so I can see who really cared.
I also realised something the other day - I push people away a lot. Especially guys. I don't really have much to say about that except for that I don't know why. I really don't.
I'm going to stop caring. I'm going to be this hardened being who doesn't give a shit about what people are doing with or without her. I'm going to stop feeling that little bit rejected and guilty when I see the people I know I've pushed away.
We'll see how long it lasts.
I also haven't cried in a while.
[Just a warning and a sorry in advance - this is going a be a personal, emotional ramble. Good luck if you continue on.]
I feel like a need to cry but I can't.
I'm hating life right now and some friends too. For no apparent reason that I can think of.
I feel like just going on a friend detox. No contact with anyone, no texting, no calling, no Facebooking.
This is something that's been weighing down on me lately and I'm not one to talk about how I'm feeling so this is actually really hard for me.
Maybe I'm just being absolutely stupid but lately I've been having issues discerning if I have any "proper" friends (whatever that may mean). A while ago I sort of unofficially stopped being friends with one of my (I thought) best friends. A look back on our friendship made me realise that I was always the one initiating our communication. I was always the one who would suggest and organise that we catch up, I was always the one asking her to come along to places with me, I was the one who called her when I needed someone to talk to. I got so tired of always putting in the work to keep our friendship going that I eventually decided to stop. There were other reasons but I'm not going to talk about that; this was one of the major reasons that effected not only my friendship with this girl but also my relationship with other people. I realised that I was always the one who was making all the effort to catch up, stay in touch, keep the friendship going. I was always the one hanging on so tightly.
So I just decided to let go. And we haven't talked since unless circumstances have forced us to.
It was actually good for a while too. I just stopped caring and stopped talking to people unless they talked to me. I wasn't worried or upset when I wasn't invited to a certain thing or I wasn't included. I mean, I don't really blame people for not inviting me to some things because I'm a homebody. I don't really like going out clubbing or partying or drinking all the time. So I just stopped caring and stopped making the effort. I stopped hoping for a certain situation or outcome so I stopped being disappointed. I think I need to do that again.
A
Maybe I'm needy, insecure, am too loyal to friends and expect too much and I have issues but having friends who I can't talk to, no matter how hard I want to, isn't helping. My friends can say that I can talk to them, but can I really? I just feel like I'm bothering them. I feel like I can't talk to anybody and I feel like I don't have anyone. I know what some of them will say.
One of them will call my silly, give me a huge hug, tell me she loves me, reassures me that I can always talk to her. And I'm grateful because lately she's been the only person I could really call a friend, you know? For some strange reason though, I just can't talk to her about how I feel about things. I might be able to talk about some things but not all. And the things that I do talk about just seem so stupid and inane when said out loud. Although, she is possibly the only one who when I'm with, I don't feel like I'm being judged.
Another one will laugh it off, tell me that I'm being silly and that she's my friend but when it comes to her, I can't tell if she's pretending or being genuine. That is if I do tell her things like this which I don't. Sometimes I feel like she just humours me and spends time with me because we've known each other since high school and we have to see each other every week at uni.
Someone else that I know told me that he considered me one of his best friends. Doesn't seem that way anymore. I haven't talked to him in the longest time and when we do (hardly) talk, it's like we have nothing to talk about anymore.
Is it horrible of me to want to go on my uni exchange program so badly so that I can get away from everyone here and try again somewhere else? Even if it's just for a year. Sometimes I feel like I want to die just so I can see who really cared.
I also realised something the other day - I push people away a lot. Especially guys. I don't really have much to say about that except for that I don't know why. I really don't.
I'm going to stop caring. I'm going to be this hardened being who doesn't give a shit about what people are doing with or without her. I'm going to stop feeling that little bit rejected and guilty when I see the people I know I've pushed away.
We'll see how long it lasts.
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