I also haven't cried in a while.
[Just a warning and a sorry in advance - this is going a be a personal, emotional ramble. Good luck if you continue on.]
I feel like a need to cry but I can't.
I'm hating life right now and some friends too. For no apparent reason that I can think of.
I feel like just going on a friend detox. No contact with anyone, no texting, no calling, no Facebooking.
This is something that's been weighing down on me lately and I'm not one to talk about how I'm feeling so this is actually really hard for me.
Maybe I'm just being absolutely stupid but lately I've been having issues discerning if I have any "proper" friends (whatever that may mean). A while ago I sort of unofficially stopped being friends with one of my (I thought) best friends. A look back on our friendship made me realise that I was always the one initiating our communication. I was always the one who would suggest and organise that we catch up, I was always the one asking her to come along to places with me, I was the one who called her when I needed someone to talk to. I got so tired of always putting in the work to keep our friendship going that I eventually decided to stop. There were other reasons but I'm not going to talk about that; this was one of the major reasons that effected not only my friendship with this girl but also my relationship with other people. I realised that I was always the one who was making all the effort to catch up, stay in touch, keep the friendship going. I was always the one hanging on so tightly.
So I just decided to let go. And we haven't talked since unless circumstances have forced us to.
It was actually good for a while too. I just stopped caring and stopped talking to people unless they talked to me. I wasn't worried or upset when I wasn't invited to a certain thing or I wasn't included. I mean, I don't really blame people for not inviting me to some things because I'm a homebody. I don't really like going out clubbing or partying or drinking all the time. So I just stopped caring and stopped making the effort. I stopped hoping for a certain situation or outcome so I stopped being disappointed. I think I need to do that again.
A
Maybe I'm needy, insecure, am too loyal to friends and expect too much and I have issues but having friends who I can't talk to, no matter how hard I want to, isn't helping. My friends can say that I can talk to them, but can I really? I just feel like I'm bothering them. I feel like I can't talk to anybody and I feel like I don't have anyone. I know what some of them will say.
One of them will call my silly, give me a huge hug, tell me she loves me, reassures me that I can always talk to her. And I'm grateful because lately she's been the only person I could really call a friend, you know? For some strange reason though, I just can't talk to her about how I feel about things. I might be able to talk about some things but not all. And the things that I do talk about just seem so stupid and inane when said out loud. Although, she is possibly the only one who when I'm with, I don't feel like I'm being judged.
Another one will laugh it off, tell me that I'm being silly and that she's my friend but when it comes to her, I can't tell if she's pretending or being genuine. That is if I do tell her things like this which I don't. Sometimes I feel like she just humours me and spends time with me because we've known each other since high school and we have to see each other every week at uni.
Someone else that I know told me that he considered me one of his best friends. Doesn't seem that way anymore. I haven't talked to him in the longest time and when we do (hardly) talk, it's like we have nothing to talk about anymore.
Is it horrible of me to want to go on my uni exchange program so badly so that I can get away from everyone here and try again somewhere else? Even if it's just for a year. Sometimes I feel like I want to die just so I can see who really cared.
I also realised something the other day - I push people away a lot. Especially guys. I don't really have much to say about that except for that I don't know why. I really don't.
I'm going to stop caring. I'm going to be this hardened being who doesn't give a shit about what people are doing with or without her. I'm going to stop feeling that little bit rejected and guilty when I see the people I know I've pushed away.
We'll see how long it lasts.
