Home is where the heart is and my heart is not here.
I love and miss my family but Singapore is most definitely not my home anymore. I don't think it ever was. I've only been here for a couple of days but I already miss Perth and my friends and my Perth family and my bed and my church and my car and my ballet class (even though it's over for the year).
I can't wait to get home; my friend needs me and I want to be able to help her and calm her down but for now, Facebook messaging will have to suffice.
I missed my church's Christmas carol service. That made me really sad; I really enjoy them and I actually hate Christmas carols (barring maybe one or two). I think it's the people I spend it with and the whole atmosphere and vibe of the event.
My cousin's wedding was on last Sunday and it was really great. It was really relaxed and it was just so great to be able to spend time with my family, especially my cousins. I get on along with all of them A LOT more than I used to; I think it's because I'm older now and I've started spending more time with them whenever I come back (we have gatherings all the time). I was the youngest of the whole group for the longest time (there's another younger one now but she's like, 5, then there's me who's 18 and the rest are above 20) so there was a rather large age gap but now I'm older so it's not as bad or awkward. My cousin's wedding dinner was wild :D. There was dancing, singing, photo-taking, mantou eating, teasing, (a little bit of) drinking, cheering and it was only all from us. As Chris said, ''you know when you go to a wedding and there's that really obnoxious table? I think we're that table tonight." :D But congratulations to Hui Hui and David though!
Expect more of these innane life/day update blog posts now that I'm in Singapore for the next four weeks. I get bored so I blog but I have nothing to blog about so I blog about what I do. Even I get a bit lame about them but I need to have something to do. Sorry in advance.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Everything's going to be okay.
Today as I was sitting in the back seat going down the freeway in a friend's car, I realised something - things are okay. It's okay for me to live in the now. It's okay for me to relax sometimes.
As you may or may not know, I've been a bit confused over some guy that I've seen around the place (yeah, yeah, I know - everything revolves around a guy) and because I'm leaving to visit my family overseas soon, I'll be missing two Sunday church services plus our Christmas carols service. I've been quite bummed out about this because it means that I don't get to see his face (church is the only place I see him currently since uni is now over) and I felt like this meant I could be loosing precious time in getting to know him.
I've realised now that that's okay. It's okay to not have things always go your way, it's okay to sit back and relax sometimes, it's okay to not always have control over everything.
There have been times where I've wished I had ultimate control. Control over what I study, what I do with my future, the sort of job I have and the income I get, the friendships I have, the relationships I want, control over my body, the way I feel... the list goes on. Looking over it all now though, I'm realising that everything's actually turned out okay. Not exactly the way I had hoped but still fine. Even though I'm not doing what I really want to be, the course I'm taking at uni isn't that bad and I'm still young and I'm still dancing. Even though I don't have a proper job, my parents have been gracious enough to give me an allowance and I've managed to get some babysitting and editing work here and there - enough to get me by. This year's been a bit of a rocky year friendship-wise but even then, I've made some awesome new friends and some of my friendships with other people have just gotten stronger.
While my relationships, body and emotions are still things that I'm having to deal with, I'm slowly realising and learning that it's okay. If a relationship (even a friendship) is meant to happen, it'll happen. What we do or don't do just affects the timing of it all. In regards to my body, all I can do is try to eat well and be healthy and with my emotions, well I'm a girl. Enough said :). I tried turning to stone once but it didn't really work out the way I had hoped so instead of fighting it, why not embrace it? I'm not saying I'm going to give in to all my petty emotions but instead of trying to fight off everything, I'll just be as strong as I can and not be proud.
I believe that we're made to go through things for a reason. To make us stronger, wiser, help us learn from our mistakes, impact some one's life. Sometimes it's hard or impossible to understand but that's life and there's not much we can do about it. Life isn't all candy and sunshine and rainbows; it's also storms and lightning and mud. But how would a rose grow from a tiny little blind bud into a beautiful flower without the help of sun AND rain? It's all for a higher purpose.
I know sometimes I think, "why do I have to go through this?" and I just feel like giving up but really, there's nothing anyone can do about the situation itself. You can either just give up completely and entirely or soldier through. I often think to myself that I'd like to just give up entirely but deep down, I know what I'd pick because I'm still here, aren't I? "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" they say. I think maybe it's not really about making you stronger but it's about making you wiser. We grow and we learn through people and experiences and no matter what happens, we come away from it knowing something new about ourselves. With that said though, it doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to complain sometimes :P.
I've been called a perfectionist and even then, it's okay for everything to not be perfect sometimes.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that things don't always have to be amazing and wonderful and incredible. They can be shitty, awful and pointless or they can be average, all right and okay. All of that is totally fine. Don't feel like it's the end of the world just because some guy or girl didn't look your way or some top didn't suit you or you didn't do as well as you were hoping on an exam or assignment or you didn't get the job you wanted, the scholarship you dreamed of or because someone else is better at something than you. I mean, sure, go ahead and feel crappy for a while but don't give up. It's not the end of the world. If you love something enough, you'll go after it. It doesn't matter what it is, what other people think or what happens in the end. Just go for it if you love it and if it means something to you.
For that second while cruising down the freeway, I felt okay. Not exactly happy but I felt okay and that was all right. I felt okay about not knowing him, not liking him, I was okay about not seeing his face and not knowing him now. Most importantly I think - I was okay with who I was. Even if it was just for that second, I was filled with this feeling of relaxation and calmness that I don't often (try ever) feel. Often, I don't like being left alone with my thoughts (I sleep with music on so I can focus on that rather than my thoughts) but in that moment, I was feeling all good with driving around and watching the scenery go by, not paying attention to the conversation going on in the front and just thinking.
Everything's going to be okay.
"And I think to myself
It's a beautiful night
And I know everything is gonna be alright
Yes, now I know it'll be alright ." - Josh Radin - Everything'll Be Alright
As you may or may not know, I've been a bit confused over some guy that I've seen around the place (yeah, yeah, I know - everything revolves around a guy) and because I'm leaving to visit my family overseas soon, I'll be missing two Sunday church services plus our Christmas carols service. I've been quite bummed out about this because it means that I don't get to see his face (church is the only place I see him currently since uni is now over) and I felt like this meant I could be loosing precious time in getting to know him.
I've realised now that that's okay. It's okay to not have things always go your way, it's okay to sit back and relax sometimes, it's okay to not always have control over everything.
There have been times where I've wished I had ultimate control. Control over what I study, what I do with my future, the sort of job I have and the income I get, the friendships I have, the relationships I want, control over my body, the way I feel... the list goes on. Looking over it all now though, I'm realising that everything's actually turned out okay. Not exactly the way I had hoped but still fine. Even though I'm not doing what I really want to be, the course I'm taking at uni isn't that bad and I'm still young and I'm still dancing. Even though I don't have a proper job, my parents have been gracious enough to give me an allowance and I've managed to get some babysitting and editing work here and there - enough to get me by. This year's been a bit of a rocky year friendship-wise but even then, I've made some awesome new friends and some of my friendships with other people have just gotten stronger.
While my relationships, body and emotions are still things that I'm having to deal with, I'm slowly realising and learning that it's okay. If a relationship (even a friendship) is meant to happen, it'll happen. What we do or don't do just affects the timing of it all. In regards to my body, all I can do is try to eat well and be healthy and with my emotions, well I'm a girl. Enough said :). I tried turning to stone once but it didn't really work out the way I had hoped so instead of fighting it, why not embrace it? I'm not saying I'm going to give in to all my petty emotions but instead of trying to fight off everything, I'll just be as strong as I can and not be proud.
I believe that we're made to go through things for a reason. To make us stronger, wiser, help us learn from our mistakes, impact some one's life. Sometimes it's hard or impossible to understand but that's life and there's not much we can do about it. Life isn't all candy and sunshine and rainbows; it's also storms and lightning and mud. But how would a rose grow from a tiny little blind bud into a beautiful flower without the help of sun AND rain? It's all for a higher purpose.
I know sometimes I think, "why do I have to go through this?" and I just feel like giving up but really, there's nothing anyone can do about the situation itself. You can either just give up completely and entirely or soldier through. I often think to myself that I'd like to just give up entirely but deep down, I know what I'd pick because I'm still here, aren't I? "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" they say. I think maybe it's not really about making you stronger but it's about making you wiser. We grow and we learn through people and experiences and no matter what happens, we come away from it knowing something new about ourselves. With that said though, it doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to complain sometimes :P.
I've been called a perfectionist and even then, it's okay for everything to not be perfect sometimes.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that things don't always have to be amazing and wonderful and incredible. They can be shitty, awful and pointless or they can be average, all right and okay. All of that is totally fine. Don't feel like it's the end of the world just because some guy or girl didn't look your way or some top didn't suit you or you didn't do as well as you were hoping on an exam or assignment or you didn't get the job you wanted, the scholarship you dreamed of or because someone else is better at something than you. I mean, sure, go ahead and feel crappy for a while but don't give up. It's not the end of the world. If you love something enough, you'll go after it. It doesn't matter what it is, what other people think or what happens in the end. Just go for it if you love it and if it means something to you.
For that second while cruising down the freeway, I felt okay. Not exactly happy but I felt okay and that was all right. I felt okay about not knowing him, not liking him, I was okay about not seeing his face and not knowing him now. Most importantly I think - I was okay with who I was. Even if it was just for that second, I was filled with this feeling of relaxation and calmness that I don't often (try ever) feel. Often, I don't like being left alone with my thoughts (I sleep with music on so I can focus on that rather than my thoughts) but in that moment, I was feeling all good with driving around and watching the scenery go by, not paying attention to the conversation going on in the front and just thinking.
Everything's going to be okay.
"And I think to myself
It's a beautiful night
And I know everything is gonna be alright
Yes, now I know it'll be alright ." - Josh Radin - Everything'll Be Alright
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Look A Likes
I freeze. The hand holding my cookie is halfway to my mouth and I’m hungry but I cannot move. I cannot blink, I cannot breathe. Standing in my line of vision is one of the best looking men I have ever seen. He reminds me of someone; someone I don’t want to think about but yet cannot avoid doing so because he looks just like him.
Him who broke my heart without trying. Him who was amazing and everything I wanted. Until now. A new start, a fresh break. The hair, the mannerisms, the eyes, the nose; a doppelganger but not. This one is older, more mature, experienced, different (at least I hope so). Not him. Him who I still see, still talk to, still smile with. Stop thinking about him.
I see him in my lectures sometimes, sitting there and I’m tempted to sit next to him but no. We’ve been down that road before; we don’t want to push anything. But he’s gorgeous and he just smiled and I think I’m dead. I’m brought back down to Earth by a friend’s distracting buzzing in my ear but with only half of my listening attention lingering on her and all of my visual attention focused on him. He puts on his reading glasses and oh my god I really am dead now. I don’t care about the stupid smile on my face or the fact that my friend knows I’m not listening anymore. All I can see is him who isn’t him.
I see him everywhere. Lecture halls, food hall, library, grass field and wait, what – church?
I most definitely just died and went to Heaven. He is not him and he is now everything that I want. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t play an instrument or doesn’t listen to the same music or if he might not read books (although I know he does – thank you literature lecture). He goes to church.
No, I don’t like him. Not yet. Or at least I tell myself. I just have to know him.
I think I’m going to explode.
________________________________________________________________
Just a short fluffy piece I did in like, 20 minutes because I felt like writing and (I know it's not the greatest piece [coughunderstatementcough] but) I was bored.
Yeah, I blog when I'm bored.
Him who broke my heart without trying. Him who was amazing and everything I wanted. Until now. A new start, a fresh break. The hair, the mannerisms, the eyes, the nose; a doppelganger but not. This one is older, more mature, experienced, different (at least I hope so). Not him. Him who I still see, still talk to, still smile with. Stop thinking about him.
I see him in my lectures sometimes, sitting there and I’m tempted to sit next to him but no. We’ve been down that road before; we don’t want to push anything. But he’s gorgeous and he just smiled and I think I’m dead. I’m brought back down to Earth by a friend’s distracting buzzing in my ear but with only half of my listening attention lingering on her and all of my visual attention focused on him. He puts on his reading glasses and oh my god I really am dead now. I don’t care about the stupid smile on my face or the fact that my friend knows I’m not listening anymore. All I can see is him who isn’t him.
I see him everywhere. Lecture halls, food hall, library, grass field and wait, what – church?
I most definitely just died and went to Heaven. He is not him and he is now everything that I want. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t play an instrument or doesn’t listen to the same music or if he might not read books (although I know he does – thank you literature lecture). He goes to church.
No, I don’t like him. Not yet. Or at least I tell myself. I just have to know him.
I think I’m going to explode.
________________________________________________________________
Just a short fluffy piece I did in like, 20 minutes because I felt like writing and (I know it's not the greatest piece [coughunderstatementcough] but) I was bored.
Yeah, I blog when I'm bored.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Things I'd Rather Be Doing
Things I'd rather be doing than going uni:
- Dance
- Musical Theatre
- Make Up
- Reading
- Writing
- Singing
- Designing
- Dance
- Drinking coffee
- Dance
- Reading
- Performing
- Musical Theatre
- Learning the piano again
- Dance
- Singing
- Make Up
- Learning the guitar
- Dance
- Travelling
- Musical Theatre
- Singing
- Dance
...
I think you get the picture.
I know I'm on holidays at the moment but I was talking to some friends last night about uni and doing what you love versus doing what to need to to survive and it just got me thinking (again) about my future and where I'm going to go with an English degree. Sigh.
Also, I went to my old high school's annual Choreography Night last night and it was a fantastic show. Skye (the head of dance and my dance mummy; I love her) has just done an absolutely amazing job. I was also reunited with my beautiful dance family who I have been separated from for faaaaaaaar too long. I miss dancing and spending time with them. I love you all!
Anyway, I'm itching to write something again but I haven't really had much inspiration lately. I'll start to write something but then decide after the first paragraph that I don't like it and stop. Boo.
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