Dear Family,
Thank you for calling me fat tonight. Twice.
Sincerely,
Yours Truly.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Friend Detox
I haven't blogged in a while.
I also haven't cried in a while.
[Just a warning and a sorry in advance - this is going a be a personal, emotional ramble. Good luck if you continue on.]
I feel like a need to cry but I can't.
I'm hating life right now and some friends too. For no apparent reason that I can think of.
I feel like just going on a friend detox. No contact with anyone, no texting, no calling, no Facebooking.
This is something that's been weighing down on me lately and I'm not one to talk about how I'm feeling so this is actually really hard for me.
Maybe I'm just being absolutely stupid but lately I've been having issues discerning if I have any "proper" friends (whatever that may mean). A while ago I sort of unofficially stopped being friends with one of my (I thought) best friends. A look back on our friendship made me realise that I was always the one initiating our communication. I was always the one who would suggest and organise that we catch up, I was always the one asking her to come along to places with me, I was the one who called her when I needed someone to talk to. I got so tired of always putting in the work to keep our friendship going that I eventually decided to stop. There were other reasons but I'm not going to talk about that; this was one of the major reasons that effected not only my friendship with this girl but also my relationship with other people. I realised that I was always the one who was making all the effort to catch up, stay in touch, keep the friendship going. I was always the one hanging on so tightly.
So I just decided to let go. And we haven't talked since unless circumstances have forced us to.
It was actually good for a while too. I just stopped caring and stopped talking to people unless they talked to me. I wasn't worried or upset when I wasn't invited to a certain thing or I wasn't included. I mean, I don't really blame people for not inviting me to some things because I'm a homebody. I don't really like going out clubbing or partying or drinking all the time. So I just stopped caring and stopped making the effort. I stopped hoping for a certain situation or outcome so I stopped being disappointed. I think I need to do that again.
Afriend people detox is what I need.
Maybe I'm needy, insecure, am too loyal to friends and expect too much and I have issues but having friends who I can't talk to, no matter how hard I want to, isn't helping. My friends can say that I can talk to them, but can I really? I just feel like I'm bothering them. I feel like I can't talk to anybody and I feel like I don't have anyone. I know what some of them will say.
One of them will call my silly, give me a huge hug, tell me she loves me, reassures me that I can always talk to her. And I'm grateful because lately she's been the only person I could really call a friend, you know? For some strange reason though, I just can't talk to her about how I feel about things. I might be able to talk about some things but not all. And the things that I do talk about just seem so stupid and inane when said out loud. Although, she is possibly the only one who when I'm with, I don't feel like I'm being judged.
Another one will laugh it off, tell me that I'm being silly and that she's my friend but when it comes to her, I can't tell if she's pretending or being genuine. That is if I do tell her things like this which I don't. Sometimes I feel like she just humours me and spends time with me because we've known each other since high school and we have to see each other every week at uni.
Someone else that I know told me that he considered me one of his best friends. Doesn't seem that way anymore. I haven't talked to him in the longest time and when we do (hardly) talk, it's like we have nothing to talk about anymore.
Is it horrible of me to want to go on my uni exchange program so badly so that I can get away from everyone here and try again somewhere else? Even if it's just for a year. Sometimes I feel like I want to die just so I can see who really cared.
I also realised something the other day - I push people away a lot. Especially guys. I don't really have much to say about that except for that I don't know why. I really don't.
I'm going to stop caring. I'm going to be this hardened being who doesn't give a shit about what people are doing with or without her. I'm going to stop feeling that little bit rejected and guilty when I see the people I know I've pushed away.
We'll see how long it lasts.
I also haven't cried in a while.
[Just a warning and a sorry in advance - this is going a be a personal, emotional ramble. Good luck if you continue on.]
I feel like a need to cry but I can't.
I'm hating life right now and some friends too. For no apparent reason that I can think of.
I feel like just going on a friend detox. No contact with anyone, no texting, no calling, no Facebooking.
This is something that's been weighing down on me lately and I'm not one to talk about how I'm feeling so this is actually really hard for me.
Maybe I'm just being absolutely stupid but lately I've been having issues discerning if I have any "proper" friends (whatever that may mean). A while ago I sort of unofficially stopped being friends with one of my (I thought) best friends. A look back on our friendship made me realise that I was always the one initiating our communication. I was always the one who would suggest and organise that we catch up, I was always the one asking her to come along to places with me, I was the one who called her when I needed someone to talk to. I got so tired of always putting in the work to keep our friendship going that I eventually decided to stop. There were other reasons but I'm not going to talk about that; this was one of the major reasons that effected not only my friendship with this girl but also my relationship with other people. I realised that I was always the one who was making all the effort to catch up, stay in touch, keep the friendship going. I was always the one hanging on so tightly.
So I just decided to let go. And we haven't talked since unless circumstances have forced us to.
It was actually good for a while too. I just stopped caring and stopped talking to people unless they talked to me. I wasn't worried or upset when I wasn't invited to a certain thing or I wasn't included. I mean, I don't really blame people for not inviting me to some things because I'm a homebody. I don't really like going out clubbing or partying or drinking all the time. So I just stopped caring and stopped making the effort. I stopped hoping for a certain situation or outcome so I stopped being disappointed. I think I need to do that again.
A
Maybe I'm needy, insecure, am too loyal to friends and expect too much and I have issues but having friends who I can't talk to, no matter how hard I want to, isn't helping. My friends can say that I can talk to them, but can I really? I just feel like I'm bothering them. I feel like I can't talk to anybody and I feel like I don't have anyone. I know what some of them will say.
One of them will call my silly, give me a huge hug, tell me she loves me, reassures me that I can always talk to her. And I'm grateful because lately she's been the only person I could really call a friend, you know? For some strange reason though, I just can't talk to her about how I feel about things. I might be able to talk about some things but not all. And the things that I do talk about just seem so stupid and inane when said out loud. Although, she is possibly the only one who when I'm with, I don't feel like I'm being judged.
Another one will laugh it off, tell me that I'm being silly and that she's my friend but when it comes to her, I can't tell if she's pretending or being genuine. That is if I do tell her things like this which I don't. Sometimes I feel like she just humours me and spends time with me because we've known each other since high school and we have to see each other every week at uni.
Someone else that I know told me that he considered me one of his best friends. Doesn't seem that way anymore. I haven't talked to him in the longest time and when we do (hardly) talk, it's like we have nothing to talk about anymore.
Is it horrible of me to want to go on my uni exchange program so badly so that I can get away from everyone here and try again somewhere else? Even if it's just for a year. Sometimes I feel like I want to die just so I can see who really cared.
I also realised something the other day - I push people away a lot. Especially guys. I don't really have much to say about that except for that I don't know why. I really don't.
I'm going to stop caring. I'm going to be this hardened being who doesn't give a shit about what people are doing with or without her. I'm going to stop feeling that little bit rejected and guilty when I see the people I know I've pushed away.
We'll see how long it lasts.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Home is where the heart is and my heart is not here.
I love and miss my family but Singapore is most definitely not my home anymore. I don't think it ever was. I've only been here for a couple of days but I already miss Perth and my friends and my Perth family and my bed and my church and my car and my ballet class (even though it's over for the year).
I can't wait to get home; my friend needs me and I want to be able to help her and calm her down but for now, Facebook messaging will have to suffice.
I missed my church's Christmas carol service. That made me really sad; I really enjoy them and I actually hate Christmas carols (barring maybe one or two). I think it's the people I spend it with and the whole atmosphere and vibe of the event.
My cousin's wedding was on last Sunday and it was really great. It was really relaxed and it was just so great to be able to spend time with my family, especially my cousins. I get on along with all of them A LOT more than I used to; I think it's because I'm older now and I've started spending more time with them whenever I come back (we have gatherings all the time). I was the youngest of the whole group for the longest time (there's another younger one now but she's like, 5, then there's me who's 18 and the rest are above 20) so there was a rather large age gap but now I'm older so it's not as bad or awkward. My cousin's wedding dinner was wild :D. There was dancing, singing, photo-taking, mantou eating, teasing, (a little bit of) drinking, cheering and it was only all from us. As Chris said, ''you know when you go to a wedding and there's that really obnoxious table? I think we're that table tonight." :D But congratulations to Hui Hui and David though!
Expect more of these innane life/day update blog posts now that I'm in Singapore for the next four weeks. I get bored so I blog but I have nothing to blog about so I blog about what I do. Even I get a bit lame about them but I need to have something to do. Sorry in advance.
I love and miss my family but Singapore is most definitely not my home anymore. I don't think it ever was. I've only been here for a couple of days but I already miss Perth and my friends and my Perth family and my bed and my church and my car and my ballet class (even though it's over for the year).
I can't wait to get home; my friend needs me and I want to be able to help her and calm her down but for now, Facebook messaging will have to suffice.
I missed my church's Christmas carol service. That made me really sad; I really enjoy them and I actually hate Christmas carols (barring maybe one or two). I think it's the people I spend it with and the whole atmosphere and vibe of the event.
My cousin's wedding was on last Sunday and it was really great. It was really relaxed and it was just so great to be able to spend time with my family, especially my cousins. I get on along with all of them A LOT more than I used to; I think it's because I'm older now and I've started spending more time with them whenever I come back (we have gatherings all the time). I was the youngest of the whole group for the longest time (there's another younger one now but she's like, 5, then there's me who's 18 and the rest are above 20) so there was a rather large age gap but now I'm older so it's not as bad or awkward. My cousin's wedding dinner was wild :D. There was dancing, singing, photo-taking, mantou eating, teasing, (a little bit of) drinking, cheering and it was only all from us. As Chris said, ''you know when you go to a wedding and there's that really obnoxious table? I think we're that table tonight." :D But congratulations to Hui Hui and David though!
Expect more of these innane life/day update blog posts now that I'm in Singapore for the next four weeks. I get bored so I blog but I have nothing to blog about so I blog about what I do. Even I get a bit lame about them but I need to have something to do. Sorry in advance.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Everything's going to be okay.
Today as I was sitting in the back seat going down the freeway in a friend's car, I realised something - things are okay. It's okay for me to live in the now. It's okay for me to relax sometimes.
As you may or may not know, I've been a bit confused over some guy that I've seen around the place (yeah, yeah, I know - everything revolves around a guy) and because I'm leaving to visit my family overseas soon, I'll be missing two Sunday church services plus our Christmas carols service. I've been quite bummed out about this because it means that I don't get to see his face (church is the only place I see him currently since uni is now over) and I felt like this meant I could be loosing precious time in getting to know him.
I've realised now that that's okay. It's okay to not have things always go your way, it's okay to sit back and relax sometimes, it's okay to not always have control over everything.
There have been times where I've wished I had ultimate control. Control over what I study, what I do with my future, the sort of job I have and the income I get, the friendships I have, the relationships I want, control over my body, the way I feel... the list goes on. Looking over it all now though, I'm realising that everything's actually turned out okay. Not exactly the way I had hoped but still fine. Even though I'm not doing what I really want to be, the course I'm taking at uni isn't that bad and I'm still young and I'm still dancing. Even though I don't have a proper job, my parents have been gracious enough to give me an allowance and I've managed to get some babysitting and editing work here and there - enough to get me by. This year's been a bit of a rocky year friendship-wise but even then, I've made some awesome new friends and some of my friendships with other people have just gotten stronger.
While my relationships, body and emotions are still things that I'm having to deal with, I'm slowly realising and learning that it's okay. If a relationship (even a friendship) is meant to happen, it'll happen. What we do or don't do just affects the timing of it all. In regards to my body, all I can do is try to eat well and be healthy and with my emotions, well I'm a girl. Enough said :). I tried turning to stone once but it didn't really work out the way I had hoped so instead of fighting it, why not embrace it? I'm not saying I'm going to give in to all my petty emotions but instead of trying to fight off everything, I'll just be as strong as I can and not be proud.
I believe that we're made to go through things for a reason. To make us stronger, wiser, help us learn from our mistakes, impact some one's life. Sometimes it's hard or impossible to understand but that's life and there's not much we can do about it. Life isn't all candy and sunshine and rainbows; it's also storms and lightning and mud. But how would a rose grow from a tiny little blind bud into a beautiful flower without the help of sun AND rain? It's all for a higher purpose.
I know sometimes I think, "why do I have to go through this?" and I just feel like giving up but really, there's nothing anyone can do about the situation itself. You can either just give up completely and entirely or soldier through. I often think to myself that I'd like to just give up entirely but deep down, I know what I'd pick because I'm still here, aren't I? "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" they say. I think maybe it's not really about making you stronger but it's about making you wiser. We grow and we learn through people and experiences and no matter what happens, we come away from it knowing something new about ourselves. With that said though, it doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to complain sometimes :P.
I've been called a perfectionist and even then, it's okay for everything to not be perfect sometimes.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that things don't always have to be amazing and wonderful and incredible. They can be shitty, awful and pointless or they can be average, all right and okay. All of that is totally fine. Don't feel like it's the end of the world just because some guy or girl didn't look your way or some top didn't suit you or you didn't do as well as you were hoping on an exam or assignment or you didn't get the job you wanted, the scholarship you dreamed of or because someone else is better at something than you. I mean, sure, go ahead and feel crappy for a while but don't give up. It's not the end of the world. If you love something enough, you'll go after it. It doesn't matter what it is, what other people think or what happens in the end. Just go for it if you love it and if it means something to you.
For that second while cruising down the freeway, I felt okay. Not exactly happy but I felt okay and that was all right. I felt okay about not knowing him, not liking him, I was okay about not seeing his face and not knowing him now. Most importantly I think - I was okay with who I was. Even if it was just for that second, I was filled with this feeling of relaxation and calmness that I don't often (try ever) feel. Often, I don't like being left alone with my thoughts (I sleep with music on so I can focus on that rather than my thoughts) but in that moment, I was feeling all good with driving around and watching the scenery go by, not paying attention to the conversation going on in the front and just thinking.
Everything's going to be okay.
"And I think to myself
It's a beautiful night
And I know everything is gonna be alright
Yes, now I know it'll be alright ." - Josh Radin - Everything'll Be Alright
As you may or may not know, I've been a bit confused over some guy that I've seen around the place (yeah, yeah, I know - everything revolves around a guy) and because I'm leaving to visit my family overseas soon, I'll be missing two Sunday church services plus our Christmas carols service. I've been quite bummed out about this because it means that I don't get to see his face (church is the only place I see him currently since uni is now over) and I felt like this meant I could be loosing precious time in getting to know him.
I've realised now that that's okay. It's okay to not have things always go your way, it's okay to sit back and relax sometimes, it's okay to not always have control over everything.
There have been times where I've wished I had ultimate control. Control over what I study, what I do with my future, the sort of job I have and the income I get, the friendships I have, the relationships I want, control over my body, the way I feel... the list goes on. Looking over it all now though, I'm realising that everything's actually turned out okay. Not exactly the way I had hoped but still fine. Even though I'm not doing what I really want to be, the course I'm taking at uni isn't that bad and I'm still young and I'm still dancing. Even though I don't have a proper job, my parents have been gracious enough to give me an allowance and I've managed to get some babysitting and editing work here and there - enough to get me by. This year's been a bit of a rocky year friendship-wise but even then, I've made some awesome new friends and some of my friendships with other people have just gotten stronger.
While my relationships, body and emotions are still things that I'm having to deal with, I'm slowly realising and learning that it's okay. If a relationship (even a friendship) is meant to happen, it'll happen. What we do or don't do just affects the timing of it all. In regards to my body, all I can do is try to eat well and be healthy and with my emotions, well I'm a girl. Enough said :). I tried turning to stone once but it didn't really work out the way I had hoped so instead of fighting it, why not embrace it? I'm not saying I'm going to give in to all my petty emotions but instead of trying to fight off everything, I'll just be as strong as I can and not be proud.
I believe that we're made to go through things for a reason. To make us stronger, wiser, help us learn from our mistakes, impact some one's life. Sometimes it's hard or impossible to understand but that's life and there's not much we can do about it. Life isn't all candy and sunshine and rainbows; it's also storms and lightning and mud. But how would a rose grow from a tiny little blind bud into a beautiful flower without the help of sun AND rain? It's all for a higher purpose.
I know sometimes I think, "why do I have to go through this?" and I just feel like giving up but really, there's nothing anyone can do about the situation itself. You can either just give up completely and entirely or soldier through. I often think to myself that I'd like to just give up entirely but deep down, I know what I'd pick because I'm still here, aren't I? "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" they say. I think maybe it's not really about making you stronger but it's about making you wiser. We grow and we learn through people and experiences and no matter what happens, we come away from it knowing something new about ourselves. With that said though, it doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to complain sometimes :P.
I've been called a perfectionist and even then, it's okay for everything to not be perfect sometimes.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that things don't always have to be amazing and wonderful and incredible. They can be shitty, awful and pointless or they can be average, all right and okay. All of that is totally fine. Don't feel like it's the end of the world just because some guy or girl didn't look your way or some top didn't suit you or you didn't do as well as you were hoping on an exam or assignment or you didn't get the job you wanted, the scholarship you dreamed of or because someone else is better at something than you. I mean, sure, go ahead and feel crappy for a while but don't give up. It's not the end of the world. If you love something enough, you'll go after it. It doesn't matter what it is, what other people think or what happens in the end. Just go for it if you love it and if it means something to you.
For that second while cruising down the freeway, I felt okay. Not exactly happy but I felt okay and that was all right. I felt okay about not knowing him, not liking him, I was okay about not seeing his face and not knowing him now. Most importantly I think - I was okay with who I was. Even if it was just for that second, I was filled with this feeling of relaxation and calmness that I don't often (try ever) feel. Often, I don't like being left alone with my thoughts (I sleep with music on so I can focus on that rather than my thoughts) but in that moment, I was feeling all good with driving around and watching the scenery go by, not paying attention to the conversation going on in the front and just thinking.
Everything's going to be okay.
"And I think to myself
It's a beautiful night
And I know everything is gonna be alright
Yes, now I know it'll be alright ." - Josh Radin - Everything'll Be Alright
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Look A Likes
I freeze. The hand holding my cookie is halfway to my mouth and I’m hungry but I cannot move. I cannot blink, I cannot breathe. Standing in my line of vision is one of the best looking men I have ever seen. He reminds me of someone; someone I don’t want to think about but yet cannot avoid doing so because he looks just like him.
Him who broke my heart without trying. Him who was amazing and everything I wanted. Until now. A new start, a fresh break. The hair, the mannerisms, the eyes, the nose; a doppelganger but not. This one is older, more mature, experienced, different (at least I hope so). Not him. Him who I still see, still talk to, still smile with. Stop thinking about him.
I see him in my lectures sometimes, sitting there and I’m tempted to sit next to him but no. We’ve been down that road before; we don’t want to push anything. But he’s gorgeous and he just smiled and I think I’m dead. I’m brought back down to Earth by a friend’s distracting buzzing in my ear but with only half of my listening attention lingering on her and all of my visual attention focused on him. He puts on his reading glasses and oh my god I really am dead now. I don’t care about the stupid smile on my face or the fact that my friend knows I’m not listening anymore. All I can see is him who isn’t him.
I see him everywhere. Lecture halls, food hall, library, grass field and wait, what – church?
I most definitely just died and went to Heaven. He is not him and he is now everything that I want. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t play an instrument or doesn’t listen to the same music or if he might not read books (although I know he does – thank you literature lecture). He goes to church.
No, I don’t like him. Not yet. Or at least I tell myself. I just have to know him.
I think I’m going to explode.
________________________________________________________________
Just a short fluffy piece I did in like, 20 minutes because I felt like writing and (I know it's not the greatest piece [coughunderstatementcough] but) I was bored.
Yeah, I blog when I'm bored.
Him who broke my heart without trying. Him who was amazing and everything I wanted. Until now. A new start, a fresh break. The hair, the mannerisms, the eyes, the nose; a doppelganger but not. This one is older, more mature, experienced, different (at least I hope so). Not him. Him who I still see, still talk to, still smile with. Stop thinking about him.
I see him in my lectures sometimes, sitting there and I’m tempted to sit next to him but no. We’ve been down that road before; we don’t want to push anything. But he’s gorgeous and he just smiled and I think I’m dead. I’m brought back down to Earth by a friend’s distracting buzzing in my ear but with only half of my listening attention lingering on her and all of my visual attention focused on him. He puts on his reading glasses and oh my god I really am dead now. I don’t care about the stupid smile on my face or the fact that my friend knows I’m not listening anymore. All I can see is him who isn’t him.
I see him everywhere. Lecture halls, food hall, library, grass field and wait, what – church?
I most definitely just died and went to Heaven. He is not him and he is now everything that I want. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t play an instrument or doesn’t listen to the same music or if he might not read books (although I know he does – thank you literature lecture). He goes to church.
No, I don’t like him. Not yet. Or at least I tell myself. I just have to know him.
I think I’m going to explode.
________________________________________________________________
Just a short fluffy piece I did in like, 20 minutes because I felt like writing and (I know it's not the greatest piece [coughunderstatementcough] but) I was bored.
Yeah, I blog when I'm bored.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Things I'd Rather Be Doing
Things I'd rather be doing than going uni:
- Dance
- Musical Theatre
- Make Up
- Reading
- Writing
- Singing
- Designing
- Dance
- Drinking coffee
- Dance
- Reading
- Performing
- Musical Theatre
- Learning the piano again
- Dance
- Singing
- Make Up
- Learning the guitar
- Dance
- Travelling
- Musical Theatre
- Singing
- Dance
...
I think you get the picture.
I know I'm on holidays at the moment but I was talking to some friends last night about uni and doing what you love versus doing what to need to to survive and it just got me thinking (again) about my future and where I'm going to go with an English degree. Sigh.
Also, I went to my old high school's annual Choreography Night last night and it was a fantastic show. Skye (the head of dance and my dance mummy; I love her) has just done an absolutely amazing job. I was also reunited with my beautiful dance family who I have been separated from for faaaaaaaar too long. I miss dancing and spending time with them. I love you all!
Anyway, I'm itching to write something again but I haven't really had much inspiration lately. I'll start to write something but then decide after the first paragraph that I don't like it and stop. Boo.
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